My Little Mister

Welcome to the world little mister. My heart belongs to you. Thank you for making me a mommy 12-4-12.

Little Mister's Nature Themed Nursery

Since I'm on bed rest, and the Brain has been so busy keeping the house maintained, and going to school, I was worrying a lot about the nursery. I wanted nothing more than to go into the nursery and organize the boxes and bags of nursery items piled up. It's been very difficult ignoring the urge to nest. So, Friday we went into the nursery and I reclined in the nursery chair while the Brain put the bedding onto the crib, and put some things away into drawers. The next morning two of my best friends came over and again I was in my chair. The Brain and my friends organized the nursery, put up the decals and picture I'd purchased. The Brain hung a hook into the ceiling and then hung the bird mobile I'd made. It took about an hour to put together a way of hanging the birdhouse I painted from a branch on the wall. They helped to find a sheer curtain and rod and hung them. We put our baby pictures on the top shelf with some of our childhood stuffed animals. I'm so excited about the nursery, and feel so much more prepared for little mister to come. Which is really good, because I'm due in 30 days!

Here are several photos of the nursery. You can't see all the animals we have up, but it gives a pretty good sense of what we've put together.

Falling at 33w 6d

Today I'm 34 weeks and ecstatic! We've made it to the goal we were given by the NICU doctor. He and the antipartum nurse told us about this magic number. At 34 weeks there are less complications with the lungs and brains. There is less chance of brain bleeds occurring after 34 weeks. I'd been feeling especially optimistic since our OB appointment on Monday. My doctor checked my cervix, and it was CLOSED!! How it went from 2 cm to closed is beyond me, but I'll take it! I was feeling even more relaxed because he was submitting a request to have me go into the perinatal center for biweekly NST with AFI.

Then came yesterday. I ventured outside to quickly take the dogs out, something I have only done a couple of times. Some guy the condo association apparently hired to do some work on the wood below the roof came around the corner. Of course he starts freaking out because an 80 pound dog and a 9 pound dog came running up on him barking. Why should he know they bark a lot, but are the biggest lovers ever. So I take off after them without thinking. That didn't work very well. I just couldn't keep my balance and I kept trying to regain it. Finally I went down slowly onto my hands and wrists and then rolled like a log. I was able to keep my arms out around my belly to protect it, and rolled on my arms instead. The man looked at me and asked if I was ok once he saw me sit up and my big belly stick out. He then told me my dogs were nice and asked me the big one's name. I told him and then asked if I could help him with anything. He told me what he was there to do. He stayed in the same place the whole time, and never even came over to help me up to my feet. Seriously? You see a pregnant woman fall and you don't even try and help her? I struggled to my feet, grabbed the little dog and went inside.

The OB had me come in 2 hours after the fall, and the nurse practitioner ordered a formal STAT ultrasound. This STAT ultrasound happened 7 hours after I fell. I felt the baby moving often, didn't have any bleeding, leaking, or cramping. His heart rate was normal. So I was able to remain calm the whole day. I had joked with the Brain while I was admitted to the hospital last month that if the baby came at 34 weeks that he would be her birthday present. But yesterday, I was thinking since it really was her birthday that I better not have hurt him, because I really didn't want him to be her birthday present. In any case, little mister is doing just fine, and his little home is undamaged. He's bouncing around this morning like normal. I'm in bed with NO plans of letting the dogs out again until after the baby is born.

Fur Babies, Our Baby & Tempers

The fur babies came home to us last night after staying at my parent's house since I was admitted to the hospital. They had all the dogs, but we brought the big scary 80 pound dog home a while back so that I had a little protection while alone. The girls love being at grandma and grandpa's house because they have a yard and get played with more. They snuggle with my mom in her bed in the mornings after my dad wakes up, lets them out and feeds them. It's actually his way of trying to get my mom out of bed, but it never works. The last time they spent the weekend with my parents they tried to run back to the front door while we were getting them into the car. And when they came home last night, they didn't even "say hi" to us like we'd expected.

But we had to bring them home. Tuesday my mother tells me that Monday my dad had completely lost it. He was screaming, yelling and banging things around. She was afraid enough that she considered grabbing the girls and heading to my house. Tessa had been whining during his rage and it was irritating him more so he put them in the kennel. That part seems fine. I've done the same thing when I'm upset about something and they are in my face and interfering with my ability to just calm down. But the part of my mom's story that scared me was that (per my mom) he stood there yelling at them "the world doesn't revolve around you!" and then she was afraid he might throw one across the room. Since he's been yelling at my mom a lot recently, angry all the time, and a little unpredictable, we decided for safety reasons to have the girls return home.

It just reminded me of my childhood too much, and how I don't want my baby's childhood to be. And, while my dad never hit me (beyond being spanked when I was young until I laughed at him for doing it) my parents have left some deep emotional scars. And I know that he was yelling at the dogs, but I immediately thought about the possibility of him yelling at my son like that. What was going to happen if he was babysitting my son and got upset about something, and the baby started crying? Was he going to yell and scream at him? If he did, it would be the last time he was alone with my son.

I'm laying here on bed rest, trying to protect my unborn baby from entering the world too early, and the thought of him being caught up in a situation like that makes me sick inside in a way I've never experiences. I have a feeling that protective instinct will be even stronger once my baby is actually here.

I'm trying to get my mom to talk to my dad about his temper and the deep seeded fear behind it. My dad needs help. Professional help, therapy. He's gone a few times and then decides he's said everything he wanted to and didn't need it anymore. Obviously this is not how it works, but my dad is pig headed and doesn't listen to anyone, and my mom is too timid to push the issue. Which is where we are now. She doesn't want to talk to him about his anger because she's afraid of making him angry. I'll talk to him, but I'm trying to avoid stress right now, and this situation isn't helping reduce my contractions (I've been having them all week). My brother is willing to talk to my dad about it even though he lived in Maryland. All I know is that it needs to be resolved and I feel stuck in the middle. My mom had a great opportunity to tell my dad why the dogs were coming home after he told her he was crushed to see them leaving, and she didn't take it.

This really sucks!

Dreams

This began many months ago when a coworker said that anything you see in a dream while your pregnant about your baby will come true. While I'm educated enough to understand this is totally absurd, the part of my brain saturated with pregnancy hormones totally fell for it. I've been fighting the hormonal part of my brain with logic, which doesn't work very well because you can't reason with hormones. This was made worse by a dream a few months back where I was visiting my baby in the NICU. Even though he was hooked up to all sorts of machines, I felt a sense of optimism and knew he was going to be okay. But, even in this dream I didn't SEE him. It continued to bother me that I was never seeing him as an infant. I've had dreams of interacting with older children who somehow I knew were my children. I would wake up wondering if these were adopted kids. My mind would wander into dark places, led there by the PTSD left behind by IF. Our original goal was to have a baby. Then it became to get pregnant. Then it became to get pregnant and stay pregnant. And then when all that happened it transitioned into having a healthy baby, but the staying pregnant part was always in the forefront. Hormonal me became terrified that if I didn't have a dream about holding my baby boy, that it was because I would never hold him alive. And thus, I'm afraid that he won't come into this world healthy, screaming, pink...alive.

Then last night I dreamed that I was looking into the bathroom mirror at my big pregnant belly. I kept sucking it in so that it looked flat and little like before the pregnancy. It would be completely gone, and then I'd let it out and there it was again, big and round. Earlier in the week I also dreamed I was pregnant and was refusing to put myself in danger because of it. This morning I realized that those were the first times I had dreams about being pregnant, and saw my belly. I never had a dream before getting pregnant about being pregnant, and it's taken until 32 weeks to see my belly in a dream. Though the lack of dreams, I'm still pregnant with a healthy baby boy.

The logical side took over, and the hormonal side has more or less agreed that if I was able to get this far without having a dream that incorporated my pregnant belly, that I can also have a healthy, living baby without dreaming about it first. I'm really hoping this logical side remains dominant, because I want to fantasize about life here with my baby instead of worrying that I'll come home empty handed. And of course, in the end, I just want to come home with my little mister in my arms, happy and healthy.

31w1d

Tuesday late afternoon I was sent home, much to my surprise. I wasn't against going home. I was just against going home without the Procardia or even a minute of my OB's time. I had waited all day for the perinatologist to consult and ended up never seeing him. He came, looked at my chart and then spoke to my OB. My OB decided to discharge me and went on with his day. I felt ripped off. What about all my questions and concerns? What about the conversation we're supposed to have so that I can be an active part of my treatment? They took those away from me without even giving a thought to how I would feel. It made me think of all the times doctors have handed me admission orders without even so much as glancing beyond the chart to the patient. I always tried my hardest to get them to enter the patient room, forget about numbers, and pay attention to the patient. And now, here I was, on the other end of things...the patient and not the nurse.

The Brain took me home slowly in the car and set me up in bed. I kept track of my contractions until going to sleep. And then when I woke up the next morning, I kept track of my contractions some more. And today, that's what I'm doing again. Very relaxing, and not stressful in the least. The more distracted I am, the better. I was very upset today and I just wanted the Brain to get away from me so that I could relax and slow the contractions. But, she is infuriatingly persistent sometimes in her desire to talk about things when sometimes I just need to be left alone to process my thoughts and feelings.

It's not easy feeling like a burden and the cause of stress to everyone. I'm trying to still enjoy my pregnancy, which is not easy considering that it's become a very physically difficult pregnancy. I'm trying not to ask much of anyone, especially the Brain so that she can focus on school. The moment we were back from the hospital she started to stress about me being home, needing to get me food, medicating the cats, cleaning the litter boxes, emptying the trash. I tried to get her to go to school while we were in the hospital and even had her attend lecture through Skype. Today she got upset because she didn't remember something from last year. That doesn't have anything to do with missing two days of school this week because it wasn't something that she missed learning. Yet, I'm the source of her stress and worry and she's working herself up to the point that I think she's going to be unable to pass. And not because she can't, but because she's dug herself into such a pit of anxiety that she's not capable of getting out of or seeing past.

So while I should be excited to have made it to 31w1 days, I'm not feeling excited at all. I'm just feeling like I'm in the way.

30w4d And New Complications

We went to L&D last night giggling like idiots saying that we were sure everything was fine but just wanted to get checked out, and personally feeling dumb for even coming. Who knew we'd have a BIG surprise in store for us. They saw the contractions, checked the cervix and announced it was a little dilated. Further clarification revealed "a little" meant 2 cm, which lets face it, isn't bad considering. They told me I'd be staying, would probably not be heading back to work, and would more than likely not make it full term. Last night my nurse kept telling me to take it day by day, which is something I already do. They transfered me to a new room and my poor nurse was SO busy administering medication to me though just about every rout. Yay for NO suppositories! I was privy to enjoy the flush personal summer of mag accompanied with it's dopy daze, headache and decreased respirations. I'll say this from the heart....I'll do anything to keep this little man inside me until he's further along.

I remember saying last night that this was not ok every time the Brain said it's ok. I told her no, this is NOT ok. Nothing about this is ok. This is not what is supposed to be happening. I am SCARED for my baby. Not because they did anything wrong. They didn't and are spot on as far with their treatments as far as I can tell. They answer all my questions and have been wonderful. I'm scared because although I understand the advances in modern medicine, I understand more than 95% chance of survival means 5% of mortality. And more importantly, understand that no artificial environment is nearly ask good as the one inside of me.

At this point contractions are no longer every 5 minutes. They are irregular for the most part. I'm calm, taking in the reality. Knowing we won't know what the future brings and that yes, we'll take one day at a time, one hour at a time, and one moment at a time if needed. I'll enjoy every beat of his heart I hear over the monitors and every little movement (although they can irritate the uterus). I'll continue praying our little boy makes it into this world alive and well I can't think right now about if he doesn't. It's too much and not the right state of mind for now.

How Do People Afford A Baby?

I was totally fine with the financials of having a baby. I'd come to terms with the fact that everything we've saved for the last five years has gone towards making the baby, and therefore we didn't have any savings for the baby. It's just part of IF and there wasn't anything I could do about it. But then, I read the contract that our useless union is trying to get us to settle for. Panic set it.

Let me break it down with a touch of background. As a county nurse, you expect to bring home less money than other nurses. We work hard, sometimes I think maybe harder than in other hospitals because we have less to work with and more patients. So why work for county? Because you know that while today you're taking home less, your retirement benefits are supposed to make up for it. Yes, I'm talking about a pension. The county pays a 7% contribution to my retirement. Now, they are proposing to take that away. We voted to strike, we moved forward with paperwork, and then the county gave us another proposal. Now, the union is encouraging us not to strike. Why strike over 7%? I looked at my paycheck and loosing that 7% is essentially a 7% pay cut. I will now be responsible for paying the $420 per month instead of the county. To make this up, They will give me $350 bonus in 6 months, and another $350 bonus 6 months from then. I will get $0.25 raise in 6 months, and another $0.25 raise in one year. Over 6 months I will loose $2,520 from my take home pay. They give me $350 in 6 months and that reduces it to $2,170. At that point I get my raise, which adds up to $20 more per pay period. In 6 months that raise only nets me $240. These raises and bonuses are designed to make up for our losses. Now, I'm not very good with math, but it seems to me that I'll still be loosing out on a lot of my take home pay.

This comes at a time when a new baby is going to be added to my family. This amazing miracle will add cost to our living expenses. I don't yet know how much since he's not here yet. There will be the diaper service ($20 per month more than disposable CostCo brand), his health insurance, childcare (an in home nanny for 25 hours per week), clothing, toiletries, and a million other things I don't yet know that I'll need.

So what about the Brain? Why can't she work? Well, because she's in school studying very diligently, and following her dream to become a veterinarian. It is 100% unfair to ask her to work knowing how much time she spends studying or in class. She barely has time for me. If she works, she won't see me or the baby, and then will be freaking out about how she needs to study but doesn't have time. If she works during the summer, it won't really be cost effective. It would make more sense for her to stay home with the baby over the summer, eliminating the need for a nanny for a few months, and getting to have some quality time with our little mister.

So what about me? Well, I could get another job where I made more money, but wouldn't necessarily be happier. I know many many many people who have left to other hospitals for more money just to return to my hospital. Some leave and stay gone, but aren't happy there. They admittedly stay for the money. And, it's not that easy to get another job. There are a lot of nurses looking for jobs. It's not like you just say I want to work at hospital x in the y department and it's yours. I could work registry, and never be home to see the baby or the Brain.

All this leaves me with one question. How the heck am I supposed to afford to be a mom?

28 Weeks!

It's here! I'm here! We've arrived to the third trimester! Thank you G-d for getting me here, for keeping my baby safe, for keeping my body strong. I wonder if these last 12 weeks are going to feel like they go by fast or slow?

Things I look forward to this trimester:
-My mother in law is coming to the ultrasound with me this Friday.
-We start prepared childbirth classes this Saturday.
-Our baby shower!
-Finishing the nursery.
-Seeing the OB more frequently. I like my OB and it always makes me reassured to air my worries and hear that they are all "normal".
-Breast feeding class.
-Our photo shoot at the end of this month.
-Meeting our son!

Mini Freak Out

Today I made it my goal to contact a list of potential photographers for a maternity and newborn photo sessions. Simple task, right? I'd already looked at their online portfolios and narrowed it down to a select few. I realized nobody was going to have everything I wanted. Basically, for a less expensive session I was going to expect to only walk away with a few photos because they were expensive. Those who charged more per session had less expensive photos. Each photographer had something about them that I liked. And, the one I like the most really approaches his work as art, which is something I can appreciate and am looking for. At first I was looking only for newborn sessions, but I really do want to capture this time. He does some nude maternity photos that look like they belong in a gallery. I'd like to do some of those for the Brain, because they are intimate and if there is one thing we discovered during our pregnancy, is intimacy. So, I checked that off my list and moved on.

Item two, mohels. Researching men who I have never met, who I am going to hire to perform a sacred ritual on my tiny infant son. He has to be willing to work with not only a lesbian couple, but also an interfaith one. This means that there will be people there who have never been to a bris. He has to convey how special the moment is to people who think of a circumcision as something a doctor does to remove the foreskin, when in fact, it is so much more. And yes, I have to choose the man who will take a scalpel to my baby's penis. I read one profile of a pediatrician/mohel who approaches it the same way it is done in the hospital. Local anesthetic injected into the penis and the baby is strapped down. I've witnessed this done on the second day of life and found it cold. In a bris, the baby is held on a pillow by an honored guest. It is warm and full of love. It is not a medical procedure, but a mitzvah. And with this, the freak out began.

I couldn't compose my list of questions for the mohel even though I basically just have to copy them out of The New Jewish Baby Book. It just seemed like too much. And because it seemed like too much I worried that I was putting it off. And because I was putting it off, I wasn't going to have enough time to do everything that needs to be done. And this all stems from the fact that we're running out of time. Wednesday will be the first day of my third trimester. Which means we're 2/3 there. Which means there is only three brief months left. And I still haven't folded any of the baby clothes I washed!! Do you see where I'm going here?

I decided to calm down by taking a nice relaxing shower. My little dog insisted on not leaving my side so I brought her into the bathroom to lay in there while I showered. That wasn't good enough because she insisted on sitting on the edge of the bath. But then she jumped into the shower and stood on her hind legs for uppies. This is how the Brain found me, freaking out in the shower holding my dog. She dried her off and joined me. This extended the shower time, and the water was too warm, and I was freaking out. So by this time my heart was racing and I was dizzy, but not fully showered. I finished washing up and was nauseated. I vomited all my breakfast, although I had eaten it almost three hours prior.

And this is how a to do list of two things ends with your head in the toilet.

Reflections

The other day, one of my patients asked me what I thought about the Duggars. It was an interesting question coming from someone waking up from anesthesia. I paused, and really thought about it because my opinion has changed. I told this patient that her children are all well educated, clothed, fed, have good morals and values, are well behaved, respectful, supportive of each other and love their parents. They are not on government assistance, and have found successful ways to make money and live debt free. You can tell that they aren't putting on a show for the camera, because even the smallest of children behave, and little ones just aren't good at lying. (Just ask balloon boy's parents). The main problem I have with the Duggars is that I think Michelle Duggar's body is trying to tell her not to have children, and I'm worried that she's not listening and this will effect her mental and physical health. The last baby she gave birth was premature. If I remember correctly, she had her baby around 25 weeks due to pre-eclampsia. She then became pregnant again and miscarried. But, it wasn't long ago that I would think about the Duggars and feel nothing but jealousy and anger. I thought, how selfish that they have so many children when there are those of us who would give anything to have just one child. I despised their happy homes because it just wasn't fair. What a difference coming to terms with my own anger, and becoming pregnant has made.

Today we saw the reverend who preformed our wedding ceremony for the first time in five years. We have some infrequent contact through facebook. Mostly, we read what the other person is up to and don't comment. She's been doing amazing charity work in Nepal, elevating the status and education of women, bringing equality to the casts, and using goats as a means of women making money for themselves. Please check out this link, it really is an amazing charity. http://rstarfoundation.org/ She was surprised to see that I was pregnant, and thought she must have missed it on facebook. I informed her that I still have several friends who were struggling with infertility and was trying to be respectful of their feelings, and therefor trying not to post too much about the pregnancy. I see it all the time on the resolve boards, women who have not yet conceived complaining about people posting pregnancy announcements on facebook, talking about their pregnancy, posting belly pictures and other such pregnancy related posts. They are so hurt by these postings, and while I was still trying, I remember feeling jealous, but not personally offended. I never considered canceling my account over it, but many women do. And now that I'm the pregnant person, I understand why people post so much about it on facebook. Pregnancy is a life altering experience. It effects every part of your life from brushing your teeth to walking to the mailbox and everything in between. Even when you're not trying to think about it, you end up thinking about it because the baby will kick you in the cervix, or will kick you right where you've laid your book, sending the book bouncing. It's joyous, scary, overwhelming, awe inspiring and miraculous. How do you not share about that? It's difficult. I know because I have to try and figure out ways to be vague enough when I post. I have other friends who have asked for belly pictures and I haven't posted a single one. There are however a few photos of me that show my belly because others posted them after we hung out. But, I wonder if it's really reasonable to become so angry and hurt over pregnancy posts while you're struggling with infertility, and experiencing jealousy. I mean, we post photos of our dinners, of our pets, of the sunset, of a new outfit or a room we just decorated. We talk about new jobs, current jobs, old jobs, looking for a job, getting fired from a job. We don't cancel our facebook accounts because we're unemployed and a friend keeps going on and on about how wonderful her new job is. If friends post a picture of a drink they order at a bar, why not post a photo related to the life I'm carrying inside me? Am I denying myself an experience for fear of hurting a few people's feelings as opposed to celebrating with the majority?

It's amazing how my views have changed. And not just because my perspective has been effected by pregnancy. If you go back through my blog, I was overcoming my anger prior to pregnancy. I had come to realize jealousy and anger had no place in my life anymore. But, I'll admit, seeing the world from a different angle, the other side of the coin, in retrospect makes me stop and think about how far in this journey I've come. And for this, I am thankful.

Aches and Pains Weeks 24-27

When I got pregnant, I didn't think of all the pains that are associated with pregnancy. Morning sickness didn't surprise me. The aching uterus didn't surprise me because I knew it was now housing my baby and needed to make room. But as this pregnancy has progressed, I've experienced some things that literally take my breath away. Some things don't hurt, but worry the heck out of me. I've turned to Dr Google, which sometimes helps, but always end up with a long list of questions at my appointments. I thought I'd share some of my concerns and the PA's responses.

Sometimes it feels like the baby is scratching my abdomen or my cervix with a very sharp nail. It takes my breath away, and I fully expect to see blood when I got to the bathroom, but don't. I wouldn't be surprised if he's born with a shank.
-This is normal. Other women complain of this too. There isn't really an explanation of what causes this.

Sometime it feels like someone is scraping the inside of my vagina.
-Same answer as above.

I get frequent braxton hicks, especially when I'm super busy at work. I can't stop, drink water and lay down when I'm in the middle of hanging blood and fluids, contacting anesthesiologist and surgeons because my patient is unstable.
-It's ok to have braxton hicks. Even though the books all say to contact your doctor if you have more than 4 in an hour, it's ok as long as they aren't strong. You could have one per minute as long as they aren't strong.

Is it normal for the baby to have quieter days. Days where I don't feel him move much at all?
-As long as you feel him move 10 times in two hours than it's ok. If you don't feel him move 10 times in two hours, go to the hospital.

Sometimes it burns before I urinate, but not when I urinate or after. There is no blood in my urine.
-It is probably just the pressure of the baby on your full bladder. It's ok as long as you don't have painful urination, which would indicate a UTI.

I've been getting floaters in my vision for the last week. I took my blood pressure at work and it was normal.
-Monitor the floaters. If I have a headache with it, or high blood pressure notify the doctor.

Love Taps

The aching of my hips usually wakes me up between 8:30 and 9:30 in the morning. I usually try and reposition myself to find a comfortable position so that I can continue laying down. I don't like to get up, not even to pee if I can help it because little mister wakes up and starts moving around. It's those little love taps that I enjoy the most because they are the first ones of the day. When they slow I get up for breakfast and then put my feet up on the couch. He starts kicking again and I can just sit back and enjoy it. This little morning routine that is my favorite part of the day. Later I know that I'll be at work and my back will ache, I'll be busy and it will be difficult to feel him kick, His favorite place to kick while I'm at work is in my cervix, and besides being uncomfortable, it puts a lot of pressure in a place that I'd rather not be feeling pressure. I worry about incompetent cervix, so I'd like him to lay off it as he gets bigger. I asked him to kick me higher during our nightly conversation, and the next day (yesterday) he listened and kicked me high up in my abdomen. I still use my doppler when he's having quiet days, and it's reassuring and cute. He often pushes the doppler away or turns away from it. Back to my morning routine!

Riding the Hormonal Roller Coaster

It happened somewhere after 20 weeks. Suddenly, and without any warning, anything could make me cry. The Brain would just have to have an intonation in her voice and I'd be convinced she was mad at me and then there came the tears. It's my number one trigger these days. Last weekend when I was so upset that something might go wrong that I burst into tears because I'd realized I'd become crazy. Last night I watched the movie "A Little Bit of Heaven" and burst out into full on uncontrollable sobbing. We're talking crying like the protagonist was my close and personal friend. I even got a nosebleed from it. Why I thought watching a movie about a young woman (around my age) being diagnosed with terminal cancer and then finding love was a good idea..I have no clue. Then last night we tried perineal massage for the first time (as advised by my doctor). I felt vulnerable and uncomfortable, so the flood gates opened. This morning over breakfast I told the Brain about last nights strange dream. She told me she had a bad dream about us. I couldn't leave it at that so pried further until she told me that I had told her that I was leaving and taking our son with me. I burst into tears and sobs and told her I would never do that. And then lastly, I became overwhelmed looking through slow cooker recipes in order to pick out easy meals since I'm going back to work. I was looking through five ingredient recipes, it doesn't get much more simple yet I threw body dramatically on the table and declared it was too much. Yep... pregnancy hormones have taken over and gotten the best of me. Poor Brain...she hates to see me upset and always wants to make it better and she just keeps asking "What can I do to make you feel better? What do you need?" And the answer is always "I dunno." And...we have 17 more weeks of riding this hormonal roller coaster followed by the postpartum hormones.

Fighting Anxiety

I spent yesterday mostly in bed or on the couch laying down. I plan on pretty much doing the same thing today. I've been feeling anxious...again. I've been having sharp shooting pains in my cervix and surrounding areas. They only last a moment and then are gone, but they make me incredibly nervous. The baby is kicking me all the time, really low, so I'm assuming that he's laying really low. Maybe that's why I'm hurting below. But, then I've been having Braxton Hicks that take my breath away. Not frequent, but several during the day. I even had one when I bent down and picked up my 8 pound dog. Then I had a "my belly looks smaller moment" last night...yet again. So, like always I measured my belly. And unlike always...it's smaller. Yes! It was 35 inches, and now it's 34.5 inches. Great, now I just have more reasons to believe that something is going wrong and that my cervix is not holding my little baby boy in. Dr Google says that your belly becomes smaller when your baby drops into position. Well, that shouldn't be happening for at least another 15 weeks. I have a doctor's appointment on Wednesday, and if I don't crack and call on Monday, I'm going to have a long list of questions/anxieties to discuss with the PA. I haven't seen her before, so I hope she'll be nice enough to listen and talk to me about my concerns. Why can't I accept that my body is doing something normal. I have to be convinced that something is going wrong, or will go wrong.

I Love My Mommies

Today I was looking around at onesies and jumpers online. I kept finding shirts about "my mom" "my dad" "my aunt" "my grandma". I always feel a little sad when I see the cute daddy onesies because in essence it's just talking about the other very significant parent who didn't carry the baby for nine months, or the other parent in general since families are made in SO many ways. That person is the Brain and she's not a daddy. I want to be able to honor her like other parents who put their children in these types of clothes. We've had discussions before about father's day and how she wants to celebrate fathers day because she feels like a father. I'm uncomfortable with this idea for more than just the blaring fact that she doesn't have a penis (because that's not the only thing that makes a man). She does not identify as a man, she uses the women's restroom, she's my wife and therefore should be proud to be a mother. Back to the onesies. So eventually I searched for "I Love My Mommies" onesies and found some cute ones. When I scrolled down google looking for different sites that carry them, I came across a forum where a lady was saying she would never put such a statement on her baby and therefore subject her baby to ridicule. In my personal opinion, if our child is to be ridiculed for having two moms, it will happen with or without a onesie because anyone with their eyes open will see that we're two women and a baby. It's as much a statement of pride of parenthood as putting on a "I love my mommy and daddy" onesie. But, there were people who had a problem with it.

What do you think? Am I selfish if I put such a onesie on our baby?

20 Weeks

We've made it half way!!!! 20 weeks down, and please G-d, please, another 20 weeks to go. According to my nifty iphone app, our little mister is the size of a banana. I think he's the size of an extra large banana, because he's been measuring a week ahead consistently. The occasional popcorn "is that gas or the baby" feelings went away and were replaced by internal thumps, bumps and rolls. Some take me by surprise and I have to stop for a second because I feel as if I might fall down. The Brain asked me how they feel, and I said "you know those balls that glide? That have the clear plastic outside with the oil and another ball on the inside that wobble around as the ball glides forward? It feels like that." I used up my zofran today and had to have it refilled. 20 weeks, not really throwing up, but still having nausea. The spotting is gone! I'm still finding bits of black crinone that have been hiding up my vag for the last 10 weeks. An occasional reminder of those scary times. I've become obsessed with being afraid of incompetent cervix, leaking amniotic fluid and other irrational fears, but only on bad days. In a moment of weakness I invited my mother to the anatomy scan with me this coming Friday. I thought she might enjoy it, and I'm trying to give her every chance to be involved and enthusiastic. Her complete lack of interest and emotional support is driving me crazy. I'm trying to be the bigger adult and continue to reach out to her and provide her with opportunities, but I'm pretty close to throwing my hands in the air and writing her off. That's another post, that I didn't bother writing because to bitch about how my dad said, "oh I wanted a granddaughter" when I told him it was a boy, or how my mom said she'd touched pregnant bellies before and I had to remind her that she had NEVER touched mine just to get a half hearted pat out of her, would just be draining. So back to this anatomy scan...Silly me forgot that my mother knows nothing about my ginormous phoenix tattoo, that will appear even bigger since it's stretching. I'm hoping if I don't say anything and play it off like "what massive tattoo are you referring to?" that it won't turn into a big fight that ends up with my mom not talking to anyone for a couple weeks until she seeks therapy...AGAIN. Have I mentioned that the Brain reads a chapter of Pinocchio to my belly each night? Or how my belly popped out so that even when I'm laying down it's still visible? We're totally giddy these days, and in love with each other and our baby. Despite the fear and worry, it's like the clouds have lifted, giving rise to a bright sun (hot too at 107 these days) and we can smile up at the sky once again. Ok, yep...with that, I'm ending on a cheesy note.

3 Words

It's a BOY!!!

Recent Musings

Insurance companies are there to make your life harder when life is already difficult. I've been stuck under a mountain of paperwork. Ok, well, really it's more like a small stack, but getting it all completed has been as difficult as climbing a mountain. To spare you the two week and counting saga I'll leave it at, I don't think they ever actually want to pay you out.

Just the thought of having to do this paperwork again makes me dread the idea of being cleared to go back to work. I also don't know that I will ever feel comfortable pushing patients around in difficult and heavy beds while pregnant. I'm never again going to assume that people will just help me out of pure kindness, because I've already experienced the "there is no such thing as light duty on this unit" speeches and eye flutterings. On the other hand, working and having the opportunity to earn some overtime would be financially beneficial.

I'm almost giddy with anticipation just thinking about the possibility of maybe being able to find out the sex of baby eggnog a couple of weeks early. I have an ultrasound scheduled for 7/30 and I'm hoping we can ask for a sneak peak. Knowing them, they'll tell me they can't say because they wouldn't even tell me what the baby was measuring last time (something they just read off the screen). The Brain won't be allowed in during the ultrasound, so I'm hoping if they will tell me, they will wait until it's over when she's allowed into the room.

I've been tempted to take a photo of my belly and post it on facebook, and ask my friends to place their bets on if it's a boy or a girl. Then the sensible side of me thinks about how I would feel if I saw that and wasn't pregnant, and remembers that I have several friends still struggling with IF and comes to my senses.

I had a scare the other day because I was just feeling off and "jet lagged" all day. Baby's heartbeat was fine that day and when I checked it again a couple days later. Before this "bad day" I thought I hard started to feel the baby move, with light popping feelings. Now, I don't feel it. Maybe it was just gas. I know the baby has a heartbeat, but I so wish I could feel it move for added reassurance.

Sleep has already become difficult so yesterday I bought a snoogle. So far I'm not sure about it. I was so excited and desperate for a good night's sleep that I couldn't fall asleep for a very long time and then woke up at 6:00 am instead of the usual 9:30 am.

The "nursery" is so tiny (less than 10x10ft. There is not a single wall that is really usable since one wall has the closet, another has a window and a built in shelving unit, another had the door and abuts up to the shelving unit with the cabinet doors and the last abuts up to the window and the closet. The only place I can really think to put the crib is under a drafty old window. I've written an e-mail asking my dad if we can have the window replaced, but I doubt he will pay for it, and we can't afford it. We may have to bring in the Pottery Barn Professionals to set up our micro nursery.

Two Fridays ago we went to Shabbat services. It was the Brain's first time and my first time in about 14 years. It reminded me of the congregation at the beginning of Sister Act. A sleepy, old, unenthusiastic group of people. Really, people were asleep in their rascals, and nobody came up to us and introduced themselves. Part of the problem may have been we were there with my parents, who have zero social skills and are a bit off putting. None the less, during the Sh'ma, the most "important" of prayers, moved me to tears and I had to run to the bathroom. We're still looking for the right congregation. I wrote an e-mail to one congregation asking if we would be welcome to participate in services as a homosexual interfaith couple, and I have yet to hear back from them. Perhaps the "no answer" was my answer. It's too bad because they looked like an amazing community.

Pinky And The Brain Go Shopping

Now that I'm off work and have nothing but time, we have been checking out the local, and not so local baby stores. We started at a USA Baby that is going out of business. We realized the only thing there that wasn't more expensive than other places even on sale, was a breast pump. We did a little quick research online (thank you iphone) and made a call to my sister in law who has breast fed my two nephews and has a lot of opinions on baby items. This was our first purchase for baby...yes, a breast pump.

The next time we went out we went to another USA Baby that isn't going out of business. We saw a much better selection and received what we thought was great service at the time. We ended up buying the most comfy nursing chair known to woman. It's a recliner/rocker and the back tips back really far so you could sleep there if you wanted. The pull to bring the legs up is between the seat cushion and the arm rest so it's easy to access with a baby in your arms. And, the sage green fabric is soft like a stuffed animal with raised dots in the same color. We walked out with two cribs in mind. When we got home I looked the cribs up online and found out that the woman didn't know what she was talking about as far as the wood the cribs were made of. The one she said was pine was poplar, and the one she said was rubberwood was radiata pine. After this store we picked up my mother in law and headed to Babies R Us. I have never liked this store, and I don't really like it now either. We tested out strollers and pack and plays before looking at cribs. We didn't like any cribs or the crib sets they have. I think this place will be good for a lot of the generic baby items people need.

Today we headed for Pottery Barn Kids. I always thought only snobby people shopped there. But seriously, I LOVE this place now. We are definitely going to register there. Downside is it's about 30-45 minutes from my house depending on traffic. But, it has an online shop, so we're golden. We found a crib and dresser/changing table we just adore. We then checked out two more stores that were in walking distance. We were very restrained and bought nothing.

One thing I've noticed is my little baby bump is always the smallest of the baby bumps there. I'm obviously shopping earlier than other people. But, we have very good reason. The Brain goes back to school August 9th. Once school starts she will be very busy and stressed. The further she gets in to each block, the less we see each other. She won't have time to put together a crib or chair. We're trying to take advantage of time. But, it still makes me wonder if we're just doing this too soon. Should we be waiting? Am I being too presumptuous by purchasing things now that we're going to have a healthy baby? Should we have waited to start buying until 24 weeks? I'm 15w4d pregnant, and for the first time in this whole process I feel really happy and good about what's happening. I feel like this baby will be fine. I feel what I'd what I imagine is close to what other people might be feeling right now...and that scares me just a little.

HR Advised Me To "Fuck This Place"

At my first appointment with my OB, I was given a light duty note. I turned it into my assistant manager the same day, thinking it would be no big deal. It simply said (specifically) no heavy lifting or pushing patients. My assistant manager chose to hide my note from the manager by placing it into my employee file. She asked me to not push beds and gurnies, but to steer them instead and ask for help from my coworkers. Her intention was to protect me from being taken out of work. At first this was fine, because I could get the guys to transport for me. As time went on, some of the female coworkers asked me why I wasn't transporting. When I said I wasn't supposed to be, and that I had a doctor's note, I was told that they don't do light duty on the unit. This one coworker became a little difficult, telling people there was no reason I couldn't help transport, refusing to help me out, and making me transport patients with her,

That said, I should have stuck up for myself better. I should have put my foot down. I should have insisted that she tell the manager before her two week vacation from the unit (when I couldn't say anything to the manager without throwing my assistant manager under the bus).

Friday my OB's office called with the results of the last ultrasound. I still have the hematoma. They told me specifically...pelvic rest, no exercise, no heavy lifting, no pushing, no pulling. That is part of what I do. I have to pull and turn patients in bed. I have to transport them to their rooms. I have to push them in wheelchairs to their cars. This doesn't sound like much...but picture your typical American. Now picture your typical poor American/person living here illegally. Are they 100 pounds? Maybe if they are a child, but just yesterday I took care of an 88.8 pound 6 year old. So, they are usually heavier because poor diet and no exercise is common in the population I work with. So, now that leaves a 200 pound or heavier person laying in a bed. And remember this bed is heavy because it's full of electronics that help to inflate a mattress, weigh a patient while laying down, prop the head and feet up and lift the bed high. Now, while you're pregnant and spotting, push it, or steer it (which involves a lot of pushing and pulling)

So, I found my voice Monday and told my assistant manager that I had been doing things I wasn't supposed to, and that I needed to watch out of this baby. I told her I was going to follow all the restrictions for the next four weeks. She told me I'd have to go out on short term disability. I went to HR to get the paperwork. While my HR representative was going over the paperwork with me, she asked me some questions. She asked me if I was going home. I told her the assistant manager asked me to stick out the rest of today and if I wanted to come in Tuesday. She said, "Fuck this place. Don't come in tomorrow." So, I'll be calling off today, making phone calls and filling out a lot of paperwork.

The Facebook Announcement

I've been struggling with how to make the BIG announcement on FB. I remember seeing the announcements and hurting inside, resenting the fact that other people were pregnant. Sometimes it was a picture of the ultrasound, sometimes a picture of a pregnancy test or a picture of a baby bump. I don't think I've ever seen just a heartfelt note. After the announcement comes the "pregnancy" post obsession. The ones that start, "this pregnant woman..." I know I have FB friends who are still struggling and I want to be respectful of their feelings. So today, after our ultrasound, and feeling a little safer because it's week 13, I sat down and composed the following post.

"Over the last three years, Kami and I have struggled through some very difficult times. We've received a lot of support from friends and family. Some friendships grew stronger while others disappeared. Even at the lowest of moments, we still held out hope. We've met so many people struggling just like us along the way. So, it's from a very humble place that I want to make the official announcement that God willing, Kami and I will be welcoming our little baby into the world December 26, 2012."

Recent Negativity From Others: A Rant

I don't need unsolicited doses of reality. Really, I can reality check myself just fine on my own. I spent the first eight weeks of this pregnancy being realistic. Fearing the worst every time I went to the bathroom and saw the blood pouring out of me. Barely able to walk from the car to my RE's office for an ultrasound because my heart was beating so hard, and my knees were buckling under the weight of my own worry. And then this peaceful calm set in once I graduated. I actually started to enjoy my pregnancy. While I still have a nightly conversation with my baby, and then pray to God before falling to sleep, I also rub my growing little belly, stare in the mirror with a smile on my face as I turn from side to side taking in my changing profile, laugh at how veiny my breast have become, take some pleasure in how well my breasts fill up my bra and look better in a shirt... My appetite has mostly come back, and I'm learning to pig out within the constraints of my many food aversions. I still throw up now and then, or feel nauseated, and it's a little reminder that I'm still in my first trimester. The word has gotten out that I'm pregnant and my friends and coworkers who have been with my on this journey from the beginning are overjoyed, have cried, hugged me, kissed me, and are already planning my baby shower in their heads.

So then why does this one new coworker of mine have to rain on my parade? She asked me how far along I was. I told her "12 weeks today". I then told her I have my NT scan the day before and everything looked good, and that it had been exciting to see the baby again. She makes that "humph" noise that negative Nancys like to make. "Well" she starts, "it's good not to be 100% because it's still early." Me, trying to keep my jaw from dropping, thinking a lot of things that I chose not to say. Things like, "Bitch, I don't need you of all people to remind me that something can still go wrong. I'm more than aware of the possibility of loss." Or..."Who the fuck do you think you are to say something like that to me? Do you tell ALL pregnant women that they could miscarry, or just the ones who have spent over three years and every cent of their savings trying to get pregnant?" And, "What do you think is going through my head every time I go to the bathroom and see the dark brown blood on my panty liner? Would you like to join me in the restroom to witness me tell my baby to stay with me each time I feel like I've been leaking blood?"

Or then, the other coworker who still believes in "boy's toys" and "girl's toys" and who believes men should never cry, and who got knocked up in high school. She called me and another nurse "crazy" and a "freaks" because we have dopplers at home. And then told us that we're the type of people who something bad will happen to because we buy things like dopplers. This nurse, who has two beautiful children and just had her first miscarriage, had brain surgery DURING her first pregnancy, and bought the doppler for reassurance. And then, you know my story of loss and IF. My doppler is there for when I feel anxious, and gives me reassurance, or when I just want to enjoy hearing my baby's heartbeat. I don't spend all day worrying about things. Most of the time I spend relaxing and enjoying myself.

So, dear coworkers...if you don't mind, I will be avoiding talking to you about my pregnancy because I don't care to include people like you in this experience. It's my time to enjoy. I have worked hard to get here, and you were not there to see me cry everyday at work, or to help me with my injections, or to cover my patients while I ran off to vomit, or hugged me when I was scared and bleeding heavily. You didn't visit me after my D&C to make sure I was ok. This doesn't involve you. If and when I choose to involve you, you'll know. Until then, you can direct your negativity inward where it belongs.

Graduation

I knew it was coming. We had even postponed it because my FAVORITE nurse (MFN) and I refused to let it be my last appointment. I had baked my doctor's favorite red velvet cupcakes with cream cheese frosting the night before in preparation. But I was still nervous to the point that the Brain complained that I was being grumpy. I had to wait about half an hour in the ultrasound room for the doctor because he was finishing up a last minute hysteroscopy. I lamented with another nurse that those are painful and I really wish I had taken the valium they'd offered me. I understand when doctors are busy, but I was just so nervous. I'm always nervous in that room because it's where I went in hopeful last year and left broken hearted first with a baby that measured behind, and then a week later with the news it was over. But this time was different. Dr Q and MFN came in so happy (sugar high from the cupcakes I'm sure). MFN tried to kick the other nurse out of the room and playfully pushed her behind the curtain. I told her it was fine to be in there too. I love that MFN is so territorial over me. They inserted the probe and said "oh my". I thought something was wrong because my eyes were closed. I asked if there was a heartbeat. He said yes. I looked and it was a baby! I mean, it looked like a baby not a blob/gummy bear anymore. There were legs, arms, eyes, a nose. I don't think baby eggnog liked all the movement from the probe because it woke up and started moving around. We could see little legs kicking, and the whole body wiggle. They spent a lot of time just watching the baby and cooing over it. Usually they release people earlier, so they don't see such a developed baby ever. There were lots of hugs and congratulations. MFN told me she wants to be the first to know if it's a boy or girl, and that I should e-mail or text her so that the other girls in the office don't find out before her. I gave them my big brown box of supplies and meds, and my used sharps container to dispose of. I signed a paper so they should e-mail my medical records to me, thanked them, told them I would miss them and then walked out.

I have such love and appreciation for the people who work in my clinic. They have gone above and beyond my expectations to help us. They have given us free medications (we of course bought thousands of dollars worth as well), they waived fees for procedures, extended my prepaid cycles to beyond the one year limit, held my hand when I was in pain (physical and emotional), cheered me on and urged me not to give up, checked up on me when things got scary, squeezed me in last minute for emergencies, and most of all, they genuinely cared. I've been with them for two and a half years and only now are they getting on the SART website (numbers aren't published yet). I hope NOW that they have this distinction, more people will listen when I recommend them.

10 Weeks

Since my first cycle of IVF, I have had a big brown box full of syringes, needles, alcohol wipes and various medications. Before each cycle we organize it and take inventory of what we are running low on, and what extra meds we have, so we can use them up first. At the end of each cycle, we close the box, and put it in the hall closet so we can forget about it until next time. This time, it's different. This time, all my extras are going to my RE's office next Monday so they can use them for other people. It's exciting to be able to give back to them since they gave me so much. They have given me two gonal f pens, countless syringes and needles and handfuls of crinone. They also have me a box of endometrium which I never even opened. To date, all I have them back was the ganirellix, because we would never be touching that stuff again and it's expiration date was coming up. So today, instead of inserting crinone, I took the medication and placed it in my big brown box. Today is that day I never thought would happen, and frankly I'm a little nervous about. It's my first day off meds because I have reached 10 weeks.

Next Monday, God willing, will be my last ultrasound with my RE, and I will graduate to my regular OB. I've been feeling calm about things after hitting 8 weeks and seeing my growing little baby. But, the negative thoughts keep creeping in. I had light brown spotting all of last week, so I hope the hematoma is smaller. But that little negative voice in my head worried it means something else. I didn't throw up yesterday, for the first time in weeks. I was happy about it, but at the same time, that little voice wonders why my nausea was better. I still felt a little queasy on and off yesterday, but it was so mild. Especially compared to Monday when I threw up the entire day. I think part of me hasn't accepted that this is going well and is waiting and expecting something terrible to happen. I'm hoping after 12 weeks, that little part of me goes away, and I can fully enjoy this pregnancy.

Photos

Our Little Blasts...

The Transfer ie. Our Little Babies Coming Home...

7w3d...Baby On The Left & Hematoma On The Right...

8w5d...Our Baby Is Looking Like A Gummy Bear & Smaller Hematoma

Ups and Downs

I haven't been writing because there have been many ups and downs and I've spent most of my time on my back, in prayer, talking to the baby, and being frightened at work. The ups have been that we went in Monday and heard a great heartbeat again and the baby was measuring perfectly. The hematoma was still there, the same size. The downs have been that Tuesday I started having thin, brown spotting. It turned into thin red spotting Wednesday so I called off work and stayed in bed. I went to work Thursday and all was fine. Friday (today) I cleared the crinone out and it was black with coagulated blood. I knew then the bleeding hadn't stopped, just wasn't heavy. I went to work and was having a great day. Again, sitting around and talking with my coworkers, telling stories. I got up to go to the bathroom and WHAM...red blood pouring out of me. At least this time I had a panty liner. I called the Brain and then texted my nurse. I told my charge nurse I was going home and left. We'll have an ultrasound tomorrow morning. I hope the baby is OK.

Blood and Fear

Tuesday started out like any other day, more or less. My nausea had improved, but since I had had a meeting in the morning, I didn’t have a chance to eat anything other than an insure. I was still exhausted, and felt like I was wearing a weighted suite. And, of course, I had to work. Work was going well, and I had lots of time to chit chat with my coworkers about this pregnancy, my coworkers’ daughter being pregnant, and my other coworkers’ daughters pregnancy (she has a two month old now). All the information I was getting was making me feel more confident about this pregnancy. Meanwhile I started to feel wet. This isn’t anything new. I have more thin white CM now that I’m pregnant. I was ignoring it for a while and finally I decided I had to pee. I told the nurse next to me to watch my patient for a moment because I was going to run to the restroom. I sat down and immediately noticed dark brown blood had leaked all over my underwear and through to my scrub pants. I looked down and it was pouring out of me into the toilet. I actually said, “no, no, no” out loud. I didn’t know what to do. I shoved a bunch of toilet paper into my underwear and burst into tears. I walked over to my charge nurse and told him in needed to go to the ER right now, for myself. He said ok, and asked if I could call report first on my patient. I looked at my patient, looked at him, and nodded no. There was no way I could get through a report, crying and thinking about how I needed an OB. I walked past a friend who just had a miscarriage, and she asked me what was going on. I told her I was bleeding everywhere and didn’t know where to go. She told me to go to L&D. So I took the elevator up one floor , called the brain, and walked over to the nurses where I used to take pregnant patients for the last 5 years. My interactions with these nurses haven’t always been the best, so I wasn’t sure what to expect. All I could get out was, “I work in PACU, I’m pregnant, I just started bleeding.” One of the nurses took my badge so she could check me in, rather than having me walk over to the window to wait and register. A resident asked me a couple questions and walked me over to a table where she could examine me. Another nurse gave me a gown and put chucks down. They tried to do an abdominal ultrasound, and of course couldn’t. They did a vaginal ultrasound and I was sure they would find an empty uterus. Instead there it was, one little sac with a little heartbeat, beating at a rate of 95. They said it was slow but there. She checked my cervix and said it was closed. They asked me about my medical history, drew my blood, and triaged me. All the stuff they would normally do before the exam. This is when it helps to work at a hospital…there are a couple of benefits here…access to quick medical care when you’re having an emergency. These nurse were so kind to me and I really appreciated it. The doctor even exchanged my scrubs so that I wouldn’t have to put on my bloody scrubs. My coworker came up to check on me, and soon after the Brain and our friend who drove her there showed up. We waited on my unit for my blood results to see if I needed a rhogam shot. I used that time to text message my nurse who contacted my RE. The Brain took me home and put me to bed. It was the worst night. I felt so helpless. I was afraid every time I had to pee. I made her go with me into the bathroom. I made her site there with me while I put in the extra crinone. She tried to get me to hydrate, but I kept throwing everything up. I felt like the night would never end. I just wanted it to be Wednesday at 1pm so that I could be in my RE’s office getting another ultrasound. Wednesday afternoon finally came and I was so relieved to see my nurse and RE. I handed him the copy of my ultrasound and described what had happened. He checked me with the ultrasound and said I measured exactly 6 weeks, which is where they have me in their records. Then they focused on the heartbeat. It was so clear and loud and I finally cried some happy tears. Stupid us, we didn’t even ask what the rate was. We were all just so thrilled to hear such a reassuring heartbeat. Then he moves on and says I have a large subchorionic hemorrhage. He thinks there was a second pregnancy there and now I have that pocket of blood. Hopefully my body reabsorbs it. I know I may bleed again though and that frightens me. In the meantime, I’m using crinone twice a day now, and have started using two estrogen patches. I’m off work the rest of the week and am staying in bed except to go to the restroom. I’m trying not to worry too much about missing work, but I’m so new on the unit that it’s hard not to. I’m trying to hydrate as much as I can. Thankfully he gave me a prescription for zofran for my nausea because I told him I wasn’t holding much down and had lost 5 pounds. The Brain has been taking care of me, and even missed school yesterday…a week before finals. We’re thanking God there is a baby in there, and asking that it stay in there until it’s able to come out screaming and crying. We’ll go back for another ultrasound on Monday. Right now, we’re taking things one day at a time.

Nightmares

I slept so poorly last night. Between getting up to pee and these terrible nightmares, I woke up tired again. I was having dreams about low heart rates and the IVF not working, and being out of options. I think that my brain is interpreting the bit of anxiety I have in the back of my head. Last time my baby stopped growing at 5w6d. Today I am 5w4d and am approaching that time when I suddenly knew something was wrong but wouldn't know what it was until my ultrasound. This 2ww is almost worse than the first 2ww. I so desperately want to see if we're having one or two babies and I want to hear heartbeats. I want to be reassured that everything is OK. I was trying to keep this pregnancy to myself, but everyone at work is so invested that they wanted updates, so basically everyone knows. I hope their positive thoughts and prayers carry me through this. I think I let the cat out of the bag because I feel so positively that this is it. Maybe that's why these dreams are so disturbing. Also, I have done some things that I wasn't going to do, like look at baby names, and nursery bedding...things that you do when you're pregnant, and things that I have done before. I don't have a past positive experience to drawn on, so everything I've ever done is linked with something negative. I hope and pray it's different this time.

Second Beta

I'll try to keep this short and sweet. I clarified the first beta drawn 12dp5dt, and it was 265. Second beta 15dp5dt.....1,636!!! Ultrasound will be May 7th. I'm a little more relaxed now. By the end of the day I feel pretty achy and it's gone by the morning when I wake up. I'm trying to sit as much as I can at work and drink more water. I wouldn't say I get cramps per say, but I get achy on and off like before AF. This started a few days before my beta and has gotten stronger. It's pretty much the only symptom I have, besides wanting to eat salty and spicy foods, and feeling really hot all the time. I have no sore breasts and no nausea. I had implantation bleeding as well. I really thought this cycle was a bust since I didn't feel anything in the slightest for the majority of the 2ww. Here I am, in a different wait...a two and a half week wait for our ultrasound. I hope it goes by quickly.

Joy Sucking IF

Infertility sucks the joy out what should be the happiest of moments. Like yesterday...when the Brain texted me and told me to call her. I knew she had news, and wasn't sure I wanted to hear it while I was at work. In fact, we had decided I wouldn't find out the results of my beta until I got home from work at midnight. She assured me (by text) that I indeed wanted to hear this news. She let me know the beta was 267 or 250 or something like that. She's so much like a boy, never pays attention to things like that or thinks to write down the beta number. In any case our nurse was very pleased with the beta number and wants me to come back in Monday. The Brain was super happy, and so was I...for a minute. Then I told her we've been here before. We have had strong betas that turned out to be a chemical pregnancy. We've had low betas that turned into a D&C. I hope more than anything this is it. All we can do is wait and see. Now it's the wait between betas, the wait to see the heart beat, then the 12ww and then the wait until the due date. Will I get to experience the happiness a pregnant woman feel? Or will I always feel compelled to hold back in case it doesn't work out?

Day Before Beta

I have not POAS. I cheated in the past because HPT were all over my work. Now that I'm in another department that doesn't have any HPT, I haven't cheated. They always came back negative before anyhow. But, at this point, this many days after transfer, if it's negative...it's negative. I know in my heart this is not the cycle. I have felt nothing. My breasts aren't swollen or tender at all. I was feeling bloated and gassy a few days ago for a couple of days and actually thought it could be some mild OHSS. But the bloat and gas is pretty much gone now. I had some brown blood in the crinone that I've cleated out for the last three days. It's the ONLY thing that makes me think I might have a chance. It could be implantation bleeding. The little bit of transient nausea is gone. Today I had a dream that my beta was 999 and two days later it was 1000...another chemical pregnancy. All week I had dreams that I had positive betas and positive HPTs. But, these are only dreams. I wish I could feel more excitement, more positive emotion...but I just don't have it in me. After three years of this, I've developed some sort of coping mechanism. If I don't get my hopes up, maybe it won't hurt quite as much. Maybe I'll have better news in my next posting...maybe not...we'll see.

6dp5dt

Yesterday was a fairly rough day emotionally. Still no cramping, twinges or anything. I've had some nausea on and off (but even when I'm not POPU I get sick to my stomach), I feel a burning sensation in my breasts on and off. I keep having dreams that I am pregnant and have great betas or ultrasounds. One dream they showed two babies on the ultrasound, another I had a beta of 680, yesterday I had a dream about a beta of 360. But I've also had a dream that I had a BFN. I have also had no dark spotting that could be implantation bleeding. In my last two BFPs, I've had that dark, old blood. So, since I was home alone with nothing to do except over think everything, that's exactly what I did.

I started thinking about what our next step would be if this doesn't work. I didn't come to a conclusion other than I'm sick of doing the same thing over and over again. If something doesn't work, why the heck would you do it again and again expecting different results? Well, this time we did the same thing (long lupron) and we ended up with a great response and fewer embryos. Are we going backwards?

So then I look backwards. And that was the wrong thing to do because it only resulted in a bunch of tears. One year ago yesterday was the day I had my D&C. It was the last time my little baby boy was with me. When I told the Brain that it was the one year anniversary, she simply said she didn't know that, and then moved on. Why is it so easy for her to move on and forget?

3dp5dt

So far, I feel nothing. No twinges, no cramps, no burning, no sore breasts...nothing. This is very different from absolutely every other cycle I have ever done, including IUI. I have always felt something. I keep remembering something a friend said sometime last year. She told me that cramping is my body's way of rejecting the embryo. So, if I'm not cramping, that my body is accepting the embryo. She has no experience with IF or pregnancy, but it's still reassuring advice. I've never had a viable pregnancy, and I've never felt nothing...so maybe this is a good thing. I sure hope so.

The Transfer

This was my fourth transfer, and I have long since given up expecting my transfer to be filled with magical moments. Hopefully this will be my last transfer ever, so I won't have to wish that the next time won't have tears, or frustrations. Here's what happened.

I arrive at 9:00 am for a 9:30 am transfer, and instructed on my calendar. I begin drinking water to fill my bladder in a waiting room so full that I'm leaning up against a corner. I watch as people come and go, and I'm still waiting and drinking. Finally a single seat opens up and the Brain and I share it. Around 10:30 my bladder is so full that I'm bouncing and getting annoyed. She goes up to the window and lets them know I've been holding my bladder for an hour. They tell me to wait a little longer and pee if I really need to. That is when I start crying. I'm not really sure why I was crying...maybe just the pure frustration and the fact that it actually starting to hurt my bladder is s full. So, I get up (and toss my water bottle) and go to the restroom. Now, how are you supposed to just let a little urine out and then hold it again? And how was I supposed to just calm down, stop crying and compose myself so that they don't know I've been crying? Yep, I failed at both. They called me back finally and the Brain fills my bottle of water up again so I can start drinking again. We let them know I had to pee. THEN and only THEN do they tell me they are behind because they had to evacuate the building for a fire earlier. Wow! I totally could understand this...so maybe they should have told me this when I arrived and had me wait until instructed to start drinking.

They then apologize to me for not returning my e-mails about my eggs and I'm reassured that they would have called me if anything were wrong. The embryologist comes in and tells me that we have two excellent quality blasts to transfer, one that is actually starting to hatch. He's pleased with this and starts to leave. I stop him and ask about the other eggs. There were 23 fertilized ones on Thursday, and he was only telling me about two of them. I asked if any were frozen on day three. He tells me that none have been frozen, that at least five arrested and that five more were developing slowly. So, out of all these eggs we were transferring the only two quality ones. There may be nothing left to freeze. Part of doing another fresh cycle was to have another batch of better quality blasts.

I'm trying to remember it only takes one good egg, and hopefully that egg is nuzzling in right now. I'm tying to think about how people say that one door doesn't close without another door opening. I'm trying to remain positive. Before the transfer Dr Q said they he believes the only reason I won't become a mother is if I give up. Thanks Dr Q, but what if I run out of money? Oops, there I go being negative again.

Time to relax, watch mindless movies, connect the dots in my activity book and sleep.
Pinky

Early Easter Egg Hunt

My RE went on an early easter egg hunt today. He found 32 eggs, put them in his basket and gave them to the embyrologist. Hopefully there are enough good eggies in that batch because we had to trigger a little earlier than hoped. But, with that many eggs, and an estrogen level of over 7,300 it was time for the easter bunny to visit.

Insane in the Brain

I love stimms. Seriously, it's like opening a door to some parallel universe where every stupid thing makes you sentiMENTAL and misty eyed, and you've lost the reins to your emotions. Friday on the way to work I was listening to 90s on 9 (xm radio) and Cypress Hill came on. I turned it up and sang along with Insane in the Brain. The world sent a little irony through the satellite just for me. Yep, there I was on the freeway getting all choked up thinking about groups of teenagers at high school dances jumping up and down with their arms in their air, wearing formal dresses, dancing to this song. It took me back to a happy little place. But, high school was not really a happy little place for me. I didn't go to many dances, I didn't date anyone from my school, I roamed from group to group never really fitting in anywhere and counting the days until I could escape to college, make something of myself and show everyone who had made my life difficult. Yet there I was, teary eyed because of a song about going out drinking, growing pot and dealing with the police! That's right folks...I've gone INSANE in the BRAIN.

BCP

So, Saturday I may have enjoyed a few too many alcoholic beverages. And, being that I am 32 years old, I expected the nausea and dizziness on Sunday. But Monday? And Tuesday? That's when it hit me. The last time I felt like that was the last time I was on BCP. I have 7 more days of BCP, which means one more week of this nausea. Thank goodness for tea, sprite and saltines.

It's Time

Yes, that's right. It's time for another cycle of IVF. AF showed up. The Brain and I are in a good place. I'm happy at work. I'm relaxed. I've put on 1.9 kg (gaining weight is nearly impossible for me) and we have the money. I'm excited about starting again but also nervous. I don't want to be neurotic, or obsess over every little thing. But, here I am waiting for my Lupron which are supposed to arrive today so I can start it. And I'm wondering if maybe they mistook me telling them Saturday for next Saturday, and if I should call and confirm that they actually shipped them for delivery today. All my leftover meds are out on the table so that I can do an inventory and let my IVF coordinator know what I have so she doesn't reorder those meds, or more meds then I'll need since all this is paid in cash. There is the little box of Ganirelix to my right...the evil injection that caused my body to shut down and my e2 levels to Plummet leading to the cancelation of my last cycle. It will be donated to my doctor's office so they can give it to someone else. It's only fair. They have given me so many meds for free over the years.

I finally broke down and called the pharmacy to get a tracking number, looked it up and discovered...Fed Ex came to the gate and never tried to get in. I know they didn't use the directory at the gate to call me because it calls my cell phone which I had next to my bed with the ringer on as high as it would go. Even if they called and I missed that call, it would show up as a missed call. They didn't even leave one of their notes on the gate that states they tried to get through. I've noticed recently that Fed Ex has not been delivering into the complex, so I was worried about this. So, after a call to Fed Ex explaining that these are medications that I need today I'm left waiting for a phone call to see if this driver will turn around and deliver them to me, or if I'll have to go to their location and pick them up. Thanks Fed Ex driver for being too lazy to push a few buttons to contact me and deliver my Lupron.

32

It's my birthday, and soon after that it will be my one year blogaversary. I thought I would be feeling sad about this last year passing, but honestly, I feel pretty good. Yes, I'm another year older and am no closer to being a mother than before. But, that's no longer the main focus of my life. I have reached reached a point of over-saturation with IF, and since then have changed my focus. It helps that I have a new job that I love. Yesterday before leaving work, the charge nurse snuck a box of chocolates into my back pack, wished me a happy birthday and gave me a hug. When I read the card it made me smile. She included in her birthday wishes ..."welcome to the PACU family."

Today we are going to a desert hot springs day spa. I'm going to spend the warm, sunny California winter day lounging in my bathing suite in a mud bath, getting a massage, sipping on refreshing beverages and simply relaxing.

Feeling the Stress Melt Away

Monday I started my new job in the recovery unit. The first big shock came about an hour and a half into the shift. My preceptor sent me on a 15 minute break. I actually questioned her about it. She then informed me that during my eight hour shift I receive two 15 minute breaks and a half hour break. WOW!! I used to be lucky to get a lunch break within the first 8 hours of my shift if I get it at all. My stomach is already getting used to eating breakfast in the morning when I wake up, a snack, lunch and another snack in the afternoon, followed by dinner in the evening. Ahhh...the simple things in life people take for granted. I haven't been nauseated or sick to my stomach since beginning this job. Perhaps sleeping at night and happiness are good for your health. Who'd have thunk it?? I can feel the years of stress melting off. Lets hope my uterus heals from all the stress too.

SIL

We spoke briefly with my SIL about her questions, concerns and as much of the process as we know about for carrying our child. We told her about compensation that we would insist on and more importantly the psychological evaluation. I wish that we had some sort of website to give her where she could find out more information, but we didn't. She said something concerning, that makes met think that she wouldn't pass a psychological evaluation to do this for us. She said she's concerned about how she would feel if the baby was a girl, because she always wanted a girl. She's worried she wouldn't want to give the baby up. I'm really glad she voiced those concerns. I'm thinking this might be too much for her, and that even though she can't afford her two kids, she wants more kids (a daughter). I'm not feeling disappointed by this at all. I'm just relieved that she spoke with us. I'm not sure where this will go from here, possibly nowhere, and that's ok.

Dinner Tonight With My SIL

My SIL is in town, and by happenstance the Brain found out. The Brain called her sister and told her that she'd been meaning to send her an e-mail because we wouldn't be mad if she said no to carrying a baby for us. My SIL said she wanted to talk to us about this, and asked if we would have dinner with her and our two nephews. So, this evening we're getting together. I have a few scenarios playing in my head in preparation for this evening's discussion. 1. She tells us she's pregnant. 2. She says no. 3. She asks questions and then says no. 4. She asks questions and then wants more time to think about it before a. saying no, b. saying yes, and c. not saying anything at all. 5. She says yes. 6. She asks questions and says yes. 7. I reserve the right to put a seventh in here that merely states ...something I haven't thought of. Ok, less worry and more enjoying the day.

Off Topic....But Not Really

Only five more shifts in the ER and then I start my new job. I AM SO EXCITED!!! I keep thinking about how good it will feel not to have to flip flop back and forth between nights and days, about sleeping while it's dark, about enjoying the day! I keep thinking about being happy again. I've felt trapped for so long...completely stuck in my situation and unable to change anything, or achieve any of my goals. I can't move out of California, I can't go back to school for my FNP degree, I can't have a baby, and for a long time I couldn't find another job. Well, one change out of all those is a great start. And, even though every woman with infertility hates when someone tells them to "just relax and you'll get pregnant"... I can't help but hold out some hope that relaxing and de-stressing will be the solution to our IF problem. And if not...at least I'll be happy in one more aspect of my life than I was before.

And the countdown continues!
Pinky

The Bombshell

Last Saturday the Brain and attended the foster/adoption orientation. It was informative and overwhelming. There were about 90 people there trying to absorb all the information they were skimming over. I felt like we got the cliffs notes version of "welcome to country foster and adoption." I walked out feeling worried about all the classes, all the paperwork, and all of the hoops we'd have to jump through. I read over all the paperwork we received as a prize for filling out the paper work they mailed us, and the paperwork they handed out before orientation. I couldn't believe they wanted family medical information, a financial breakdown, and a three page questionnaire asking about why we want to adopt, what our relationship with our parents is like, if we were ever sexually abused, what our favorite color is, and if we ever plan on riding a rocket-ship to the moon.

A couple of days later the Brain approached me after she got out of the shower and says she doesn't want to adopt. WHAT??? Yep...she doesn't want to adopt because of the high chance of ending up with a baby that has been exposed to methamphetamine. It's a huge problem in our county, I'm witness to that in the ER. It is something I worry about. Of course, like any mom, I want my baby to be happy and healthy. It's not unreasonable to expect and hope for a baby who hasn't been exposed to drugs even though people talk to me with a "beggars can't be choosers" type attitude. Back to the Brain. She now says that she would rather carry the baby than adopt. And this leads us to the fact that she has been adamant about NOT carrying a baby. She thinks it's ridiculous that we have asked another person to carry for us, but won't do it herself. And, she thinks that if a transgendered man could have a baby, that she could too. Yes, Thomas Beatie has been pregnant three times, and given birth to three beautiful babies. But...that's such an extreme situation to refer back to. I feel like I'd owe her everything for the rest of my life, and that's not fair.

I tried breaching the subject of adoption through a private agency. She seemed open to the idea. I worry though because I have no clue how we would come up with the money for that. I'm putting adoption of the back burner for now.

In the meantime, I have received my release date from my job. I will be transfering to the PACU at the end of this month. As of today, I have eight shifts left in the ER. After that, it's eight hour evenings in a happy and more controlled environment. The countdown to happiness and relaxation has begun!

January 3, 2012

2012 is shaping up to be a good year so far. Tuesday morning I was out at my bimonthly Mimi's Cafe breakfast with my friend from work. We were enjoying our cinnamon brioche and mimosa when THE phone call came in that I was waiting for. The assistant manager from PACU called to excitedly offer me a job, and I in turn was excited to accept it. All I had to do was contact my current manager, let him know that I have been offered a new job and ask when I can be released from the ER. I was nervous about making that call, but it turned out well. I'm just waiting for him to work out the details. I let the Brain know, and she's super excited about it. It means no more weekends, no more nights, no more holidays, a circadian rhythm, 8 hour shifts which mean I can live a normal existence. We're going to be able to see each other more often. It's amazing what an extra four hours per day can do! I'm both nervous and excited about starting a new job, because for four years and nine months, I've been in the same department. I'm not sure how long orientation is going to be, or my start date, or how long I'll be on probation. We were planning on starting another IVF cycle this month, (AF showed up Tuesday as well) but I think that it would be a good idea to push it back a little so that I can get settled into my new job. It will also give us a chance to do our taxes and get the return to pay for the new cycle. It usually bothers me to push a cycle back, but I think that settling into this new job, schedule and pace will be a positive change for my mental and physical health. Less stress has to be good for baby making!
Enjoying the good new!
Pinky