Saturday, January 28, 2012


We spoke briefly with my SIL about her questions, concerns and as much of the process as we know about for carrying our child. We told her about compensation that we would insist on and more importantly the psychological evaluation. I wish that we had some sort of website to give her where she could find out more information, but we didn't. She said something concerning, that makes met think that she wouldn't pass a psychological evaluation to do this for us. She said she's concerned about how she would feel if the baby was a girl, because she always wanted a girl. She's worried she wouldn't want to give the baby up. I'm really glad she voiced those concerns. I'm thinking this might be too much for her, and that even though she can't afford her two kids, she wants more kids (a daughter). I'm not feeling disappointed by this at all. I'm just relieved that she spoke with us. I'm not sure where this will go from here, possibly nowhere, and that's ok.

Saturday, January 21, 2012

Dinner Tonight With My SIL

My SIL is in town, and by happenstance the Brain found out. The Brain called her sister and told her that she'd been meaning to send her an e-mail because we wouldn't be mad if she said no to carrying a baby for us. My SIL said she wanted to talk to us about this, and asked if we would have dinner with her and our two nephews. So, this evening we're getting together. I have a few scenarios playing in my head in preparation for this evening's discussion. 1. She tells us she's pregnant. 2. She says no. 3. She asks questions and then says no. 4. She asks questions and then wants more time to think about it before a. saying no, b. saying yes, and c. not saying anything at all. 5. She says yes. 6. She asks questions and says yes. 7. I reserve the right to put a seventh in here that merely states ...something I haven't thought of. Ok, less worry and more enjoying the day.

Monday, January 16, 2012

Off Topic....But Not Really

Only five more shifts in the ER and then I start my new job. I AM SO EXCITED!!! I keep thinking about how good it will feel not to have to flip flop back and forth between nights and days, about sleeping while it's dark, about enjoying the day! I keep thinking about being happy again. I've felt trapped for so long...completely stuck in my situation and unable to change anything, or achieve any of my goals. I can't move out of California, I can't go back to school for my FNP degree, I can't have a baby, and for a long time I couldn't find another job. Well, one change out of all those is a great start. And, even though every woman with infertility hates when someone tells them to "just relax and you'll get pregnant"... I can't help but hold out some hope that relaxing and de-stressing will be the solution to our IF problem. And if least I'll be happy in one more aspect of my life than I was before.

And the countdown continues!

Thursday, January 12, 2012

The Bombshell

Last Saturday the Brain and attended the foster/adoption orientation. It was informative and overwhelming. There were about 90 people there trying to absorb all the information they were skimming over. I felt like we got the cliffs notes version of "welcome to country foster and adoption." I walked out feeling worried about all the classes, all the paperwork, and all of the hoops we'd have to jump through. I read over all the paperwork we received as a prize for filling out the paper work they mailed us, and the paperwork they handed out before orientation. I couldn't believe they wanted family medical information, a financial breakdown, and a three page questionnaire asking about why we want to adopt, what our relationship with our parents is like, if we were ever sexually abused, what our favorite color is, and if we ever plan on riding a rocket-ship to the moon.

A couple of days later the Brain approached me after she got out of the shower and says she doesn't want to adopt. WHAT??? Yep...she doesn't want to adopt because of the high chance of ending up with a baby that has been exposed to methamphetamine. It's a huge problem in our county, I'm witness to that in the ER. It is something I worry about. Of course, like any mom, I want my baby to be happy and healthy. It's not unreasonable to expect and hope for a baby who hasn't been exposed to drugs even though people talk to me with a "beggars can't be choosers" type attitude. Back to the Brain. She now says that she would rather carry the baby than adopt. And this leads us to the fact that she has been adamant about NOT carrying a baby. She thinks it's ridiculous that we have asked another person to carry for us, but won't do it herself. And, she thinks that if a transgendered man could have a baby, that she could too. Yes, Thomas Beatie has been pregnant three times, and given birth to three beautiful babies. But...that's such an extreme situation to refer back to. I feel like I'd owe her everything for the rest of my life, and that's not fair.

I tried breaching the subject of adoption through a private agency. She seemed open to the idea. I worry though because I have no clue how we would come up with the money for that. I'm putting adoption of the back burner for now.

In the meantime, I have received my release date from my job. I will be transfering to the PACU at the end of this month. As of today, I have eight shifts left in the ER. After that, it's eight hour evenings in a happy and more controlled environment. The countdown to happiness and relaxation has begun!

Wednesday, January 4, 2012

January 3, 2012

2012 is shaping up to be a good year so far. Tuesday morning I was out at my bimonthly Mimi's Cafe breakfast with my friend from work. We were enjoying our cinnamon brioche and mimosa when THE phone call came in that I was waiting for. The assistant manager from PACU called to excitedly offer me a job, and I in turn was excited to accept it. All I had to do was contact my current manager, let him know that I have been offered a new job and ask when I can be released from the ER. I was nervous about making that call, but it turned out well. I'm just waiting for him to work out the details. I let the Brain know, and she's super excited about it. It means no more weekends, no more nights, no more holidays, a circadian rhythm, 8 hour shifts which mean I can live a normal existence. We're going to be able to see each other more often. It's amazing what an extra four hours per day can do! I'm both nervous and excited about starting a new job, because for four years and nine months, I've been in the same department. I'm not sure how long orientation is going to be, or my start date, or how long I'll be on probation. We were planning on starting another IVF cycle this month, (AF showed up Tuesday as well) but I think that it would be a good idea to push it back a little so that I can get settled into my new job. It will also give us a chance to do our taxes and get the return to pay for the new cycle. It usually bothers me to push a cycle back, but I think that settling into this new job, schedule and pace will be a positive change for my mental and physical health. Less stress has to be good for baby making!
Enjoying the good new!