Monday, May 30, 2011

Oops, False Alarm

I was offered a job interview for the new position in my hospital. Since I wear scrubs most of the time, I only own two professional outfits, and I wanted to look sharp. So, off to the mall I went for a day of taking care of errands I'd been avoiding since I dislike the mall so much. I had tried on bunches of white skirts and pants because everyone wears black, and I like to stand out. For my grad school interview, I wore celadon. I found nothing, and decided to head over to Nordstroms, where customer service still means something. I felt a gush, and then another. Slowly I sauntered over to the restroom. I looked down, and audibly let out a "shit!" I was bleeding through my tiny thong and jeans. I rushed home to clean up and thank God for not letting that happen 20 minutes earlier while I was trying on the white suites. What would I have done? Ball up the pants in a corner and run? Ball them up and take the tags to the counter and try and pay for the mess asap? Oh well, why worry about something you don't have to deal with? What I did need to worry about was if the Brain and I were ready to move on with a cycle. We deiced time is not our friend. Time won't make us worry any less about getting a BFN, or a BFP that turns out to be a chemical, or a BFP that ends in a m/c or D&C. We're just going to worry, so we might as well worry now. We called the RE and left a message. The next day when the coordinator called us back, I let her know that I had stopped bleeding. She gave me her cell phone number and told me to call her if I started up again. I went on with my weekend, planting vines and roses in the front of my condo. And then suddenly, gush...there it was again. I called the coordinator back and through the noise of a carnival set up a baseline ultrasound. By the time I got to the office the next day, the bleeding had stopped...again. I informed the RE and he reassured me we'd know what was happening in a minute. So, there we were, me on the table with my feet in stirrups again, thinking about how my nail polished is chipped on my toe, and that I should either wear socks next time or get a pedicure. He announces that this is not my period, I have no cysts, and it is an anovulatory cycle. My lining, which should be thin by now, is very thick and it is just break through bleeding. He hands me a prescription for provera and esterase and shakes my hand, "see you in a couple of weeks." I suppose this works out well. I won't be juggling injections, hormones and appointments the day of my interview. And I won't be bleeding through my white pants.

Stuck behind the starting gates....Pinky

Friday, May 27, 2011


I had three doctor's appointments yesterday, and am proud to say none of them were with my RE. I like to schedule them all in one day so that I can just get them out of the way. It's so sad that at 31, I cluster my appointments like a little old lady would so that she could still make it to mahjong with the other purple haired grannies on Friday.

My first appointment was with my primary. I've been getting auras ever since my first IVF cycle. The last time I actually had the headache after, but usually it's just the aura. He put me on a medication that should help, but isn't safe for pregnancy. That's fine, because when I'm on all the hormones, I don't get the aura.

Then, I moved on to my appointment with my OB.  It hit me hard how different an OB and a RE are. I handed him my lab results because when I get pregnant, I wanted him to be my OB. Now, I'm rethinking it. I had to explain what MTHFR is, what the treatments are and what the future implications are. He even asked me about the cost of IVF and FET. I really like this OB, he is very supportive, kind, patient, and he complimented me on my strength and dedication trying to get pregnant. But, is this OB going to be qualified to make sure that I get the right meds and treatment during a pregnancy? It's something I'll defiantly ask when the time comes.

Lastly, I had my eyes checked and purchased sunglasses, prescription sunglasses, contacts and new lenses for the frames I already have and love. I got a pair of designer sunglasses, because damn it, I deserve it. But, parting with the money was a little difficult. In fact, I put back the pair of Tiffany's sunglasses because I couldn't justify spending the money on them. Funny how I'm willing to drop thousands of dollars on IF, but several hundred on my eyes seems like too much.

Now, to enjoy the time without doctor's appointments,

Friday, May 20, 2011

The Infamous Facebook

The idea of a personal life, and privacy is somewhat antiquated by today's standards. People post every little thought and event on twitter and facebook. Now that everyone has a cell phone, photos of the mundane, the embarrassing, and the miraculous are captured and shared almost instantly. I've seen posts about vacuum cleaners, landscaping, car accidents, new jobs, food critiques, vacation plans, paranoid ramblings, being sick, birthdays, births, deaths, weddings, parties, getting drunk, getting laid, being board, having fun, having fun while on a date etc. I've seen photos of babies, children, cars, dinner, drunken escapades, pregnancy tests, ultrasounds, animals, houses, bathtubs etc. You get the point. Board stay at home mothers can post 10 times a day photos of their children and every thought that passes through their heads. Pregnant friends posts weekly updates explaining the development of their fetus. If they can be open about pregnancy, family, and their love for tapioca pudding, than why must I keep quiet about IF?

Over the years I have posted little things about my IF. Mostly things that hint at it, but do not outright say "I'm infertile" or "I'm in the middle of a cycle of IVF" or "I just found out this pregnancy isn't viable" Instead I've posted about my butt being sore, or not being able to stop crying. In the beginning, I remember posting about how expensive sperm was. Truthfully, I'm a little done with the silence. I'm not ashamed about anything we've done or are doing. I'm not embarrassed of IF. But I feel like society tells me to be hushed, that it's not something people want to hear about, or be burdened with. And today, I've decided I've had enough. People on my message board talk about coming out IF. My thought on that, if I  live my life out of the closet in a society that still discriminates against gays, then why not be open and "out" about IF?

So today I posted "For many of my friends, happy and exciting news is finding out they are pregnant, finding out if it's a boy or girl, and having their baby. For me, exciting happy news is finding out I have MTHFR with two copies of the gene C677T, which may explain why it's been two years of trying, with one chemical pregnancy, and one miscarriage. So for this blessing, I give thanks." 

Feeling sassy today,

Thursday, May 19, 2011

We Have An Answer!

IF is full of questions and very few answers, and it seems with each answer comes more questions. Today, I'm celebrating having an answer and will try and hold off on worrying about all my new questions for later. Without getting into detail of the very uninformative calls from the FET coordinator that led me to e-mail my RE to ask if any of my tests were abnormal, I'll jump to the highlight. That is, the one line response from my RE. "Your MTHFR came back as a double mutation" Of course, I get this e-mail at work and I want to celebrate and cry all at the same time. I understand what MTHFR is, but don't know anything about a double mutation. I'm just happy something is wrong that can be treated. That finally there is a reason why we've been struggling. I'll ask about treatment with blood thinners later. Today, we celebrate the small victory!

Info makes for a happy Pinky!

Friday, May 13, 2011

Blissful Nothing

Nothing to report, nothing to write about. No updates in the IF world. No results from the blood tests. No breakdowns, or thoughts of loss. No new opinions about the hand we've been dealt. Just getting over being sick, working a lot, and applied for the other job. So far, just enjoying being on hold.

Thursday, May 5, 2011

Lists, Announcements and Odd Thoughts

Today I'm filled with a morbidity that is slanting my perspective for the better and worse.

Announcement #1: Chromosome analysis results came back as a healthy male. This isn't the news we were hoping for. This means I have to go into my PMD today and BEG them to PLEASE have mercy on my pocketbook and order the $865 worth of tests for recurrent pregnancy loss and Ashkenazi panel.

Announcement #2: I'm thinking of applying for a different job within my hospital. My main concern is that I would be working days, and would need to miss work for appointments. I currently work nights and miss out on sleep rather than work for appointments. IF may keep me from professional dreams as well. 

Odd thought #1: I'm now hoping for a blood disorder so all I have to do is go on Lovenox. What kind of reality am I living in?

Odd thought #2: Maybe I lost this baby boy because it was Passover, and god took my first "born" son. I should have put lamb's blood on my door. I tell this to my RE, and luckily he laughs.

Odd thought #3: When praying, or making a specific and make clauses. It was not enough to wish/pray to be pregnant. That was exactly what I got. I have learned that what I will now wish/pray for is for a healthy pregnancy, a healthy and normal delivery, and a healthy full term baby. 

List #1: Qualities that lead to multiple healthy pregnancies according to personal observation...
Use of methamphetamine
Having difficulty supporting yourself and family financially
Having no savings or ability to support yourself or family in case of high risk pregnancy
Having little to no education
Being between the age of 12 and 21
Maintaining a diet of fast food, processed foods, and large amounts of caffeine

List #2:  Pregnancy Announcements on FB
Amber- due by the end of the week, updates on pregnancy about 3-6 times per day. Lost her first baby, and get announcements about that multiple times daily. 
Bethany- Announced pregnancy this week with a photo of her HPT followed by the comment to watch for the full video of her delivery in December. 
Dana- Pregnant with twins. Not sure why your DW thought it would make me feel better to tell me you went through IVF. Like I care how people get pregnant. 
Alicia- Pregnant and enjoying herself in Australia.
Halcy- 20 weeks pregnant, showing off her baby bump and announcing she is grateful for God's gift. 
Maggie- Her daughter has felt her baby girl kick for the first time. 
Jaymie- Pregnant with a little girl. Comes to work with giant cups of coffee, talks about loving maternity pants. 
Jamie- Pregnant with twin boys, bored because she's off work. 
Kim- Due in September. Married less than a year, and feeling blessed. 
Judith- Baby born the day I had my D&C.
April- Baby born the week I had my D&C. Asked me for info on IUI years ago when she told me she planned on starting to try in about a year or so.