Wednesday, June 20, 2012

The Facebook Announcement

I've been struggling with how to make the BIG announcement on FB. I remember seeing the announcements and hurting inside, resenting the fact that other people were pregnant. Sometimes it was a picture of the ultrasound, sometimes a picture of a pregnancy test or a picture of a baby bump. I don't think I've ever seen just a heartfelt note. After the announcement comes the "pregnancy" post obsession. The ones that start, "this pregnant woman..." I know I have FB friends who are still struggling and I want to be respectful of their feelings. So today, after our ultrasound, and feeling a little safer because it's week 13, I sat down and composed the following post.

"Over the last three years, Kami and I have struggled through some very difficult times. We've received a lot of support from friends and family. Some friendships grew stronger while others disappeared. Even at the lowest of moments, we still held out hope. We've met so many people struggling just like us along the way. So, it's from a very humble place that I want to make the official announcement that God willing, Kami and I will be welcoming our little baby into the world December 26, 2012."

Sunday, June 17, 2012

Recent Negativity From Others: A Rant

I don't need unsolicited doses of reality. Really, I can reality check myself just fine on my own. I spent the first eight weeks of this pregnancy being realistic. Fearing the worst every time I went to the bathroom and saw the blood pouring out of me. Barely able to walk from the car to my RE's office for an ultrasound because my heart was beating so hard, and my knees were buckling under the weight of my own worry. And then this peaceful calm set in once I graduated. I actually started to enjoy my pregnancy. While I still have a nightly conversation with my baby, and then pray to God before falling to sleep, I also rub my growing little belly, stare in the mirror with a smile on my face as I turn from side to side taking in my changing profile, laugh at how veiny my breast have become, take some pleasure in how well my breasts fill up my bra and look better in a shirt... My appetite has mostly come back, and I'm learning to pig out within the constraints of my many food aversions. I still throw up now and then, or feel nauseated, and it's a little reminder that I'm still in my first trimester. The word has gotten out that I'm pregnant and my friends and coworkers who have been with my on this journey from the beginning are overjoyed, have cried, hugged me, kissed me, and are already planning my baby shower in their heads.

So then why does this one new coworker of mine have to rain on my parade? She asked me how far along I was. I told her "12 weeks today". I then told her I have my NT scan the day before and everything looked good, and that it had been exciting to see the baby again. She makes that "humph" noise that negative Nancys like to make. "Well" she starts, "it's good not to be 100% because it's still early." Me, trying to keep my jaw from dropping, thinking a lot of things that I chose not to say. Things like, "Bitch, I don't need you of all people to remind me that something can still go wrong. I'm more than aware of the possibility of loss." Or..."Who the fuck do you think you are to say something like that to me? Do you tell ALL pregnant women that they could miscarry, or just the ones who have spent over three years and every cent of their savings trying to get pregnant?" And, "What do you think is going through my head every time I go to the bathroom and see the dark brown blood on my panty liner? Would you like to join me in the restroom to witness me tell my baby to stay with me each time I feel like I've been leaking blood?"

Or then, the other coworker who still believes in "boy's toys" and "girl's toys" and who believes men should never cry, and who got knocked up in high school. She called me and another nurse "crazy" and a "freaks" because we have dopplers at home. And then told us that we're the type of people who something bad will happen to because we buy things like dopplers. This nurse, who has two beautiful children and just had her first miscarriage, had brain surgery DURING her first pregnancy, and bought the doppler for reassurance. And then, you know my story of loss and IF. My doppler is there for when I feel anxious, and gives me reassurance, or when I just want to enjoy hearing my baby's heartbeat. I don't spend all day worrying about things. Most of the time I spend relaxing and enjoying myself.

So, dear coworkers...if you don't mind, I will be avoiding talking to you about my pregnancy because I don't care to include people like you in this experience. It's my time to enjoy. I have worked hard to get here, and you were not there to see me cry everyday at work, or to help me with my injections, or to cover my patients while I ran off to vomit, or hugged me when I was scared and bleeding heavily. You didn't visit me after my D&C to make sure I was ok. This doesn't involve you. If and when I choose to involve you, you'll know. Until then, you can direct your negativity inward where it belongs.

Tuesday, June 5, 2012


I knew it was coming. We had even postponed it because my FAVORITE nurse (MFN) and I refused to let it be my last appointment. I had baked my doctor's favorite red velvet cupcakes with cream cheese frosting the night before in preparation. But I was still nervous to the point that the Brain complained that I was being grumpy. I had to wait about half an hour in the ultrasound room for the doctor because he was finishing up a last minute hysteroscopy. I lamented with another nurse that those are painful and I really wish I had taken the valium they'd offered me. I understand when doctors are busy, but I was just so nervous. I'm always nervous in that room because it's where I went in hopeful last year and left broken hearted first with a baby that measured behind, and then a week later with the news it was over. But this time was different. Dr Q and MFN came in so happy (sugar high from the cupcakes I'm sure). MFN tried to kick the other nurse out of the room and playfully pushed her behind the curtain. I told her it was fine to be in there too. I love that MFN is so territorial over me. They inserted the probe and said "oh my". I thought something was wrong because my eyes were closed. I asked if there was a heartbeat. He said yes. I looked and it was a baby! I mean, it looked like a baby not a blob/gummy bear anymore. There were legs, arms, eyes, a nose. I don't think baby eggnog liked all the movement from the probe because it woke up and started moving around. We could see little legs kicking, and the whole body wiggle. They spent a lot of time just watching the baby and cooing over it. Usually they release people earlier, so they don't see such a developed baby ever. There were lots of hugs and congratulations. MFN told me she wants to be the first to know if it's a boy or girl, and that I should e-mail or text her so that the other girls in the office don't find out before her. I gave them my big brown box of supplies and meds, and my used sharps container to dispose of. I signed a paper so they should e-mail my medical records to me, thanked them, told them I would miss them and then walked out.

I have such love and appreciation for the people who work in my clinic. They have gone above and beyond my expectations to help us. They have given us free medications (we of course bought thousands of dollars worth as well), they waived fees for procedures, extended my prepaid cycles to beyond the one year limit, held my hand when I was in pain (physical and emotional), cheered me on and urged me not to give up, checked up on me when things got scary, squeezed me in last minute for emergencies, and most of all, they genuinely cared. I've been with them for two and a half years and only now are they getting on the SART website (numbers aren't published yet). I hope NOW that they have this distinction, more people will listen when I recommend them.