I don't need unsolicited doses of reality. Really, I can reality check myself just fine on my own. I spent the first eight weeks of this pregnancy being realistic. Fearing the worst every time I went to the bathroom and saw the blood pouring out of me. Barely able to walk from the car to my RE's office for an ultrasound because my heart was beating so hard, and my knees were buckling under the weight of my own worry. And then this peaceful calm set in once I graduated. I actually started to enjoy my pregnancy. While I still have a nightly conversation with my baby, and then pray to God before falling to sleep, I also rub my growing little belly, stare in the mirror with a smile on my face as I turn from side to side taking in my changing profile, laugh at how veiny my breast have become, take some pleasure in how well my breasts fill up my bra and look better in a shirt... My appetite has mostly come back, and I'm learning to pig out within the constraints of my many food aversions. I still throw up now and then, or feel nauseated, and it's a little reminder that I'm still in my first trimester. The word has gotten out that I'm pregnant and my friends and coworkers who have been with my on this journey from the beginning are overjoyed, have cried, hugged me, kissed me, and are already planning my baby shower in their heads.
So then why does this one new coworker of mine have to rain on my parade? She asked me how far along I was. I told her "12 weeks today". I then told her I have my NT scan the day before and everything looked good, and that it had been exciting to see the baby again. She makes that "humph" noise that negative Nancys like to make. "Well" she starts, "it's good not to be 100% because it's still early." Me, trying to keep my jaw from dropping, thinking a lot of things that I chose not to say. Things like, "Bitch, I don't need you of all people to remind me that something can still go wrong. I'm more than aware of the possibility of loss." Or..."Who the fuck do you think you are to say something like that to me? Do you tell ALL pregnant women that they could miscarry, or just the ones who have spent over three years and every cent of their savings trying to get pregnant?" And, "What do you think is going through my head every time I go to the bathroom and see the dark brown blood on my panty liner? Would you like to join me in the restroom to witness me tell my baby to stay with me each time I feel like I've been leaking blood?"
Or then, the other coworker who still believes in "boy's toys" and "girl's toys" and who believes men should never cry, and who got knocked up in high school. She called me and another nurse "crazy" and a "freaks" because we have dopplers at home. And then told us that we're the type of people who something bad will happen to because we buy things like dopplers. This nurse, who has two beautiful children and just had her first miscarriage, had brain surgery DURING her first pregnancy, and bought the doppler for reassurance. And then, you know my story of loss and IF. My doppler is there for when I feel anxious, and gives me reassurance, or when I just want to enjoy hearing my baby's heartbeat. I don't spend all day worrying about things. Most of the time I spend relaxing and enjoying myself.
So, dear coworkers...if you don't mind, I will be avoiding talking to you about my pregnancy because I don't care to include people like you in this experience. It's my time to enjoy. I have worked hard to get here, and you were not there to see me cry everyday at work, or to help me with my injections, or to cover my patients while I ran off to vomit, or hugged me when I was scared and bleeding heavily. You didn't visit me after my D&C to make sure I was ok. This doesn't involve you. If and when I choose to involve you, you'll know. Until then, you can direct your negativity inward where it belongs.