Monday, April 16, 2012


Yesterday was a fairly rough day emotionally. Still no cramping, twinges or anything. I've had some nausea on and off (but even when I'm not POPU I get sick to my stomach), I feel a burning sensation in my breasts on and off. I keep having dreams that I am pregnant and have great betas or ultrasounds. One dream they showed two babies on the ultrasound, another I had a beta of 680, yesterday I had a dream about a beta of 360. But I've also had a dream that I had a BFN. I have also had no dark spotting that could be implantation bleeding. In my last two BFPs, I've had that dark, old blood. So, since I was home alone with nothing to do except over think everything, that's exactly what I did.

I started thinking about what our next step would be if this doesn't work. I didn't come to a conclusion other than I'm sick of doing the same thing over and over again. If something doesn't work, why the heck would you do it again and again expecting different results? Well, this time we did the same thing (long lupron) and we ended up with a great response and fewer embryos. Are we going backwards?

So then I look backwards. And that was the wrong thing to do because it only resulted in a bunch of tears. One year ago yesterday was the day I had my D&C. It was the last time my little baby boy was with me. When I told the Brain that it was the one year anniversary, she simply said she didn't know that, and then moved on. Why is it so easy for her to move on and forget?

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