Thursday, April 19, 2012

Day Before Beta

I have not POAS. I cheated in the past because HPT were all over my work. Now that I'm in another department that doesn't have any HPT, I haven't cheated. They always came back negative before anyhow. But, at this point, this many days after transfer, if it's negative...it's negative. I know in my heart this is not the cycle. I have felt nothing. My breasts aren't swollen or tender at all. I was feeling bloated and gassy a few days ago for a couple of days and actually thought it could be some mild OHSS. But the bloat and gas is pretty much gone now. I had some brown blood in the crinone that I've cleated out for the last three days. It's the ONLY thing that makes me think I might have a chance. It could be implantation bleeding. The little bit of transient nausea is gone. Today I had a dream that my beta was 999 and two days later it was 1000...another chemical pregnancy. All week I had dreams that I had positive betas and positive HPTs. But, these are only dreams. I wish I could feel more excitement, more positive emotion...but I just don't have it in me. After three years of this, I've developed some sort of coping mechanism. If I don't get my hopes up, maybe it won't hurt quite as much. Maybe I'll have better news in my next posting...maybe not...we'll see.

2 comments:

  1. (Hugs) I hope your dreams turn into reality this cycle and you get your sticky bfp. Just know I'm thinking of you and wishing you all the best as always. I wish I could do or say more and gaze into some magical infertility crystal ball and tell you when this nightmare will end. Just know that you aren't alone (hugs).

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