Friday, April 27, 2012
I slept so poorly last night. Between getting up to pee and these terrible nightmares, I woke up tired again. I was having dreams about low heart rates and the IVF not working, and being out of options. I think that my brain is interpreting the bit of anxiety I have in the back of my head. Last time my baby stopped growing at 5w6d. Today I am 5w4d and am approaching that time when I suddenly knew something was wrong but wouldn't know what it was until my ultrasound. This 2ww is almost worse than the first 2ww. I so desperately want to see if we're having one or two babies and I want to hear heartbeats. I want to be reassured that everything is OK. I was trying to keep this pregnancy to myself, but everyone at work is so invested that they wanted updates, so basically everyone knows. I hope their positive thoughts and prayers carry me through this. I think I let the cat out of the bag because I feel so positively that this is it. Maybe that's why these dreams are so disturbing. Also, I have done some things that I wasn't going to do, like look at baby names, and nursery bedding...things that you do when you're pregnant, and things that I have done before. I don't have a past positive experience to drawn on, so everything I've ever done is linked with something negative. I hope and pray it's different this time.