Joy Sucking IF

Infertility sucks the joy out what should be the happiest of moments. Like yesterday...when the Brain texted me and told me to call her. I knew she had news, and wasn't sure I wanted to hear it while I was at work. In fact, we had decided I wouldn't find out the results of my beta until I got home from work at midnight. She assured me (by text) that I indeed wanted to hear this news. She let me know the beta was 267 or 250 or something like that. She's so much like a boy, never pays attention to things like that or thinks to write down the beta number. In any case our nurse was very pleased with the beta number and wants me to come back in Monday. The Brain was super happy, and so was I...for a minute. Then I told her we've been here before. We have had strong betas that turned out to be a chemical pregnancy. We've had low betas that turned into a D&C. I hope more than anything this is it. All we can do is wait and see. Now it's the wait between betas, the wait to see the heart beat, then the 12ww and then the wait until the due date. Will I get to experience the happiness a pregnant woman feel? Or will I always feel compelled to hold back in case it doesn't work out?