Reflections

The other day, one of my patients asked me what I thought about the Duggars. It was an interesting question coming from someone waking up from anesthesia. I paused, and really thought about it because my opinion has changed. I told this patient that her children are all well educated, clothed, fed, have good morals and values, are well behaved, respectful, supportive of each other and love their parents. They are not on government assistance, and have found successful ways to make money and live debt free. You can tell that they aren't putting on a show for the camera, because even the smallest of children behave, and little ones just aren't good at lying. (Just ask balloon boy's parents). The main problem I have with the Duggars is that I think Michelle Duggar's body is trying to tell her not to have children, and I'm worried that she's not listening and this will effect her mental and physical health. The last baby she gave birth was premature. If I remember correctly, she had her baby around 25 weeks due to pre-eclampsia. She then became pregnant again and miscarried. But, it wasn't long ago that I would think about the Duggars and feel nothing but jealousy and anger. I thought, how selfish that they have so many children when there are those of us who would give anything to have just one child. I despised their happy homes because it just wasn't fair. What a difference coming to terms with my own anger, and becoming pregnant has made.

Today we saw the reverend who preformed our wedding ceremony for the first time in five years. We have some infrequent contact through facebook. Mostly, we read what the other person is up to and don't comment. She's been doing amazing charity work in Nepal, elevating the status and education of women, bringing equality to the casts, and using goats as a means of women making money for themselves. Please check out this link, it really is an amazing charity. http://rstarfoundation.org/ She was surprised to see that I was pregnant, and thought she must have missed it on facebook. I informed her that I still have several friends who were struggling with infertility and was trying to be respectful of their feelings, and therefor trying not to post too much about the pregnancy. I see it all the time on the resolve boards, women who have not yet conceived complaining about people posting pregnancy announcements on facebook, talking about their pregnancy, posting belly pictures and other such pregnancy related posts. They are so hurt by these postings, and while I was still trying, I remember feeling jealous, but not personally offended. I never considered canceling my account over it, but many women do. And now that I'm the pregnant person, I understand why people post so much about it on facebook. Pregnancy is a life altering experience. It effects every part of your life from brushing your teeth to walking to the mailbox and everything in between. Even when you're not trying to think about it, you end up thinking about it because the baby will kick you in the cervix, or will kick you right where you've laid your book, sending the book bouncing. It's joyous, scary, overwhelming, awe inspiring and miraculous. How do you not share about that? It's difficult. I know because I have to try and figure out ways to be vague enough when I post. I have other friends who have asked for belly pictures and I haven't posted a single one. There are however a few photos of me that show my belly because others posted them after we hung out. But, I wonder if it's really reasonable to become so angry and hurt over pregnancy posts while you're struggling with infertility, and experiencing jealousy. I mean, we post photos of our dinners, of our pets, of the sunset, of a new outfit or a room we just decorated. We talk about new jobs, current jobs, old jobs, looking for a job, getting fired from a job. We don't cancel our facebook accounts because we're unemployed and a friend keeps going on and on about how wonderful her new job is. If friends post a picture of a drink they order at a bar, why not post a photo related to the life I'm carrying inside me? Am I denying myself an experience for fear of hurting a few people's feelings as opposed to celebrating with the majority?

It's amazing how my views have changed. And not just because my perspective has been effected by pregnancy. If you go back through my blog, I was overcoming my anger prior to pregnancy. I had come to realize jealousy and anger had no place in my life anymore. But, I'll admit, seeing the world from a different angle, the other side of the coin, in retrospect makes me stop and think about how far in this journey I've come. And for this, I am thankful.