Saturday, September 29, 2012


The other day, one of my patients asked me what I thought about the Duggars. It was an interesting question coming from someone waking up from anesthesia. I paused, and really thought about it because my opinion has changed. I told this patient that her children are all well educated, clothed, fed, have good morals and values, are well behaved, respectful, supportive of each other and love their parents. They are not on government assistance, and have found successful ways to make money and live debt free. You can tell that they aren't putting on a show for the camera, because even the smallest of children behave, and little ones just aren't good at lying. (Just ask balloon boy's parents). The main problem I have with the Duggars is that I think Michelle Duggar's body is trying to tell her not to have children, and I'm worried that she's not listening and this will effect her mental and physical health. The last baby she gave birth was premature. If I remember correctly, she had her baby around 25 weeks due to pre-eclampsia. She then became pregnant again and miscarried. But, it wasn't long ago that I would think about the Duggars and feel nothing but jealousy and anger. I thought, how selfish that they have so many children when there are those of us who would give anything to have just one child. I despised their happy homes because it just wasn't fair. What a difference coming to terms with my own anger, and becoming pregnant has made.

Today we saw the reverend who preformed our wedding ceremony for the first time in five years. We have some infrequent contact through facebook. Mostly, we read what the other person is up to and don't comment. She's been doing amazing charity work in Nepal, elevating the status and education of women, bringing equality to the casts, and using goats as a means of women making money for themselves. Please check out this link, it really is an amazing charity. She was surprised to see that I was pregnant, and thought she must have missed it on facebook. I informed her that I still have several friends who were struggling with infertility and was trying to be respectful of their feelings, and therefor trying not to post too much about the pregnancy. I see it all the time on the resolve boards, women who have not yet conceived complaining about people posting pregnancy announcements on facebook, talking about their pregnancy, posting belly pictures and other such pregnancy related posts. They are so hurt by these postings, and while I was still trying, I remember feeling jealous, but not personally offended. I never considered canceling my account over it, but many women do. And now that I'm the pregnant person, I understand why people post so much about it on facebook. Pregnancy is a life altering experience. It effects every part of your life from brushing your teeth to walking to the mailbox and everything in between. Even when you're not trying to think about it, you end up thinking about it because the baby will kick you in the cervix, or will kick you right where you've laid your book, sending the book bouncing. It's joyous, scary, overwhelming, awe inspiring and miraculous. How do you not share about that? It's difficult. I know because I have to try and figure out ways to be vague enough when I post. I have other friends who have asked for belly pictures and I haven't posted a single one. There are however a few photos of me that show my belly because others posted them after we hung out. But, I wonder if it's really reasonable to become so angry and hurt over pregnancy posts while you're struggling with infertility, and experiencing jealousy. I mean, we post photos of our dinners, of our pets, of the sunset, of a new outfit or a room we just decorated. We talk about new jobs, current jobs, old jobs, looking for a job, getting fired from a job. We don't cancel our facebook accounts because we're unemployed and a friend keeps going on and on about how wonderful her new job is. If friends post a picture of a drink they order at a bar, why not post a photo related to the life I'm carrying inside me? Am I denying myself an experience for fear of hurting a few people's feelings as opposed to celebrating with the majority?

It's amazing how my views have changed. And not just because my perspective has been effected by pregnancy. If you go back through my blog, I was overcoming my anger prior to pregnancy. I had come to realize jealousy and anger had no place in my life anymore. But, I'll admit, seeing the world from a different angle, the other side of the coin, in retrospect makes me stop and think about how far in this journey I've come. And for this, I am thankful.


  1. I can relate as I havent posted any belly pictures or anything on facebook. BUT I think its normal to have those jealous feelings while your suffering from infertility. For me it wasnt about seeing pregnancy posts all the time. What got to me was the complaining! I think that a lot of women complain just to get attention drawn to the fact that they are pregnant. So my question is why not just exclaim how excited you are for being pregnant? Why disguise that as complaining? Just call it what it is and stop trying to get people to feel sorry for you or whatever. Thats my view. Even now being pregnant I still hide certain pregnant peopls timelines because it just drives me crazy to hear complaining. If I make a post about pregnant I always make it positive. Like for instance one of my recent posts was, "New stretch marks!! So proud of my uterus!" since i had a 26 weeker with my first I was just happy to be pregnant still and have a big baby. I think thats more respectful to my IF friends then being UGH stretch marks gross!

    I think no one suffering from IF should feel guilty about those ugly feelings. They are completely normal. But at the same time you shouldn't feel guilty being pregnant now too. I think if you just stay away from complaining then people would respect that a lot more.

    1. I agree with you completely. It all those feelings are normal and expected. There was a period of time when I couldn't even look at a pregnant woman without tearing up or getting angry. I had to come to terms with the fact that I wanted to be happy for them, because one day I wanted people to be happy for me too. The motivation behind the post is key. I've been lucky to not have fb friends complain about silly things. But I did have some that interjected it into everything they said. Like, when one would say...this pregnant woman just made bla bla bla for dinner. It's striking a balance that is important, and sometimes I forget that I'm one of the parties involved that has to be happy.

      By the way, congratulations on carrying your LO long enough to get stretch marks. You should be proud of your body and all it's accomplishments.