We went to L&D last night giggling like idiots saying that we were sure everything was fine but just wanted to get checked out, and personally feeling dumb for even coming. Who knew we'd have a BIG surprise in store for us. They saw the contractions, checked the cervix and announced it was a little dilated. Further clarification revealed "a little" meant 2 cm, which lets face it, isn't bad considering. They told me I'd be staying, would probably not be heading back to work, and would more than likely not make it full term. Last night my nurse kept telling me to take it day by day, which is something I already do. They transfered me to a new room and my poor nurse was SO busy administering medication to me though just about every rout. Yay for NO suppositories! I was privy to enjoy the flush personal summer of mag accompanied with it's dopy daze, headache and decreased respirations. I'll say this from the heart....I'll do anything to keep this little man inside me until he's further along.
I remember saying last night that this was not ok every time the Brain said it's ok. I told her no, this is NOT ok. Nothing about this is ok. This is not what is supposed to be happening. I am SCARED for my baby. Not because they did anything wrong. They didn't and are spot on as far with their treatments as far as I can tell. They answer all my questions and have been wonderful. I'm scared because although I understand the advances in modern medicine, I understand more than 95% chance of survival means 5% of mortality. And more importantly, understand that no artificial environment is nearly ask good as the one inside of me.
At this point contractions are no longer every 5 minutes. They are irregular for the most part. I'm calm, taking in the reality. Knowing we won't know what the future brings and that yes, we'll take one day at a time, one hour at a time, and one moment at a time if needed. I'll enjoy every beat of his heart I hear over the monitors and every little movement (although they can irritate the uterus). I'll continue praying our little boy makes it into this world alive and well I can't think right now about if he doesn't. It's too much and not the right state of mind for now.