I spent the time before my third beta angry. And by angry, I really mean pissed off at the world. I had to walk outside, or just down the hall several times so people wouldn't see me cry. I vented briefly on Tuesday morning to a few of my coworkers about how scared and mad I was. This turned out to be the wrong thing to do. Instead of the support I needed, one of my brilliant coworkers threw in her two cents and told me that I should have a one night stand, nobody would know the difference. I turned to her and said I wasn't going to address that comment because it was just going to piss me off. But then, I let her know that I can't get pregnant by "fucking" someone. Yes, the curse words started spilling. Why should I watch my mouth when she so obviously doesn't watch hers. I reminded her that I buy high quality sperm, have an embryologist who monitors my embryos and the quality, that I have a specialist who monitors my reproductive system and times everything just so, and yet I still can't hold onto a pregnancy. I didn't even get into the fact that I am married and suggesting infidelity is offensive and disrespectful.
I was even angry while getting my blood drawn. They aren't accustom to seeing me in a bad mood since I usually have a smile on my face and am chipper. Even when I was there for the D&C, so was my smile. I continued being grumpy all the way to The San Diego Wild Animal Park. I'm not sure I enjoyed our "safari" as much as I could have. We were the only couple without children, and most of the children on the truck were annoying me by their lack of attention to personal space, volume control and inappropriate comments.
They usually call around 3:30 pm with the results of the betas. By 4 pm, they still hadn't called and I was sure that was a sign they were putting off the bad news. We left the park, and headed home. As we were pulling out of parking lot, we got the call. The nurse I usually love called and was so upbeat. In the same upbeat tone, she told me she had bad news for me. At this point I'm thinking to myself, "duh, I already knew this was going to be bad." My beta had dropped to 125 or 127, I don't remember and what are two points anyway. My RE wanted me to stop the medications and not be discouraged. He also wondered if I had a hysteroscopy. In fact, he preformed the hysteroscopy, and I remember every painful moment of it. I wonder if there could be scarring from the D&C. And, I wonder why on Earth am I supposed to not feel discouraged. My body is betraying me. I'm putting myself through these terrible treatments, damaging my body trying to get pregnant. My gluteal muscles are hard and lumpy, discolored, painful, sometimes itchy and more than likely scarred. I sometimes wonder what the future implications of all these hormone treatments will be. And then I think of how much time I've invested in these treatments. But that will be another post.