Tuesday, July 5, 2011

3:01:51 p.m.

Today was supposed to be full of joy, hope and serenity...but I felt so many more emotions than that. I woke up and hoped that the Brain and I could "make a baby" before making a baby. It was a disaster. I couldn't get into it, so was angry, annoyed and frustrated. Maybe I was too tired, but my head and heart wasn't in it. I worked all weekend and only had two hours of sleep. We got to the RE's office and were put in a room. The embryologist came in and told us she thawed two five day blasts. One was great quality and expanding...the other had areas of necrosis on it but parts were still alive and we were going to transfer that one too. She couldn't thaw any more because the rest were frozen at three days. She didn't seem to understand why I seemed tense. Really? She just told me that one of my little frosties is bad quality. I know it just takes one good embryo, but still when she left I burst into tears. They checked my bladder and moved me into another room for the transfer. I felt like I was going to pee on my doctor, I was so full. I wasn't relaxed so all the inserting and spraying and wiping and who knows what that they do to get the catheter in place was uncomfortable. I was so impatient, and asked that they hurry because I really needed the bedpan. I didn't even watch the ultrasound monitor as they transfered the embryos. Instead I just buried my head into the Brain's armd and held on. Usually I'm so easy going and jovial in the office, but today I was all nerves and fear. They sprinkled their magic baby dust on me and left us alone with each other and the bedpan. Again, tears. I felt such an emptiness in my heart. The same feeling I had when I woke up the day after my D&C. I know exactly what is missing...my baby. I'm so afraid it won't work and I don't want to feel afraid right now. I want to feel hopeful. I don't want to be thinking about the next step if it doesn't work, but yet my mind keeps wandering there. I'm trying to breath in tranquility and exhale the fear and negativity.

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