Monday, July 30, 2012
Tuesday, July 24, 2012
Recent Musings
Insurance companies are there to make your life harder when life is already difficult. I've been stuck under a mountain of paperwork. Ok, well, really it's more like a small stack, but getting it all completed has been as difficult as climbing a mountain. To spare you the two week and counting saga I'll leave it at, I don't think they ever actually want to pay you out.
Just the thought of having to do this paperwork again makes me dread the idea of being cleared to go back to work. I also don't know that I will ever feel comfortable pushing patients around in difficult and heavy beds while pregnant. I'm never again going to assume that people will just help me out of pure kindness, because I've already experienced the "there is no such thing as light duty on this unit" speeches and eye flutterings. On the other hand, working and having the opportunity to earn some overtime would be financially beneficial.
I'm almost giddy with anticipation just thinking about the possibility of maybe being able to find out the sex of baby eggnog a couple of weeks early. I have an ultrasound scheduled for 7/30 and I'm hoping we can ask for a sneak peak. Knowing them, they'll tell me they can't say because they wouldn't even tell me what the baby was measuring last time (something they just read off the screen). The Brain won't be allowed in during the ultrasound, so I'm hoping if they will tell me, they will wait until it's over when she's allowed into the room.
I've been tempted to take a photo of my belly and post it on facebook, and ask my friends to place their bets on if it's a boy or a girl. Then the sensible side of me thinks about how I would feel if I saw that and wasn't pregnant, and remembers that I have several friends still struggling with IF and comes to my senses.
I had a scare the other day because I was just feeling off and "jet lagged" all day. Baby's heartbeat was fine that day and when I checked it again a couple days later. Before this "bad day" I thought I hard started to feel the baby move, with light popping feelings. Now, I don't feel it. Maybe it was just gas. I know the baby has a heartbeat, but I so wish I could feel it move for added reassurance.
Sleep has already become difficult so yesterday I bought a snoogle. So far I'm not sure about it. I was so excited and desperate for a good night's sleep that I couldn't fall asleep for a very long time and then woke up at 6:00 am instead of the usual 9:30 am.
The "nursery" is so tiny (less than 10x10ft. There is not a single wall that is really usable since one wall has the closet, another has a window and a built in shelving unit, another had the door and abuts up to the shelving unit with the cabinet doors and the last abuts up to the window and the closet. The only place I can really think to put the crib is under a drafty old window. I've written an e-mail asking my dad if we can have the window replaced, but I doubt he will pay for it, and we can't afford it. We may have to bring in the Pottery Barn Professionals to set up our micro nursery.
Two Fridays ago we went to Shabbat services. It was the Brain's first time and my first time in about 14 years. It reminded me of the congregation at the beginning of Sister Act. A sleepy, old, unenthusiastic group of people. Really, people were asleep in their rascals, and nobody came up to us and introduced themselves. Part of the problem may have been we were there with my parents, who have zero social skills and are a bit off putting. None the less, during the Sh'ma, the most "important" of prayers, moved me to tears and I had to run to the bathroom. We're still looking for the right congregation. I wrote an e-mail to one congregation asking if we would be welcome to participate in services as a homosexual interfaith couple, and I have yet to hear back from them. Perhaps the "no answer" was my answer. It's too bad because they looked like an amazing community.
Just the thought of having to do this paperwork again makes me dread the idea of being cleared to go back to work. I also don't know that I will ever feel comfortable pushing patients around in difficult and heavy beds while pregnant. I'm never again going to assume that people will just help me out of pure kindness, because I've already experienced the "there is no such thing as light duty on this unit" speeches and eye flutterings. On the other hand, working and having the opportunity to earn some overtime would be financially beneficial.
I'm almost giddy with anticipation just thinking about the possibility of maybe being able to find out the sex of baby eggnog a couple of weeks early. I have an ultrasound scheduled for 7/30 and I'm hoping we can ask for a sneak peak. Knowing them, they'll tell me they can't say because they wouldn't even tell me what the baby was measuring last time (something they just read off the screen). The Brain won't be allowed in during the ultrasound, so I'm hoping if they will tell me, they will wait until it's over when she's allowed into the room.
I've been tempted to take a photo of my belly and post it on facebook, and ask my friends to place their bets on if it's a boy or a girl. Then the sensible side of me thinks about how I would feel if I saw that and wasn't pregnant, and remembers that I have several friends still struggling with IF and comes to my senses.
I had a scare the other day because I was just feeling off and "jet lagged" all day. Baby's heartbeat was fine that day and when I checked it again a couple days later. Before this "bad day" I thought I hard started to feel the baby move, with light popping feelings. Now, I don't feel it. Maybe it was just gas. I know the baby has a heartbeat, but I so wish I could feel it move for added reassurance.
Sleep has already become difficult so yesterday I bought a snoogle. So far I'm not sure about it. I was so excited and desperate for a good night's sleep that I couldn't fall asleep for a very long time and then woke up at 6:00 am instead of the usual 9:30 am.
The "nursery" is so tiny (less than 10x10ft. There is not a single wall that is really usable since one wall has the closet, another has a window and a built in shelving unit, another had the door and abuts up to the shelving unit with the cabinet doors and the last abuts up to the window and the closet. The only place I can really think to put the crib is under a drafty old window. I've written an e-mail asking my dad if we can have the window replaced, but I doubt he will pay for it, and we can't afford it. We may have to bring in the Pottery Barn Professionals to set up our micro nursery.
Two Fridays ago we went to Shabbat services. It was the Brain's first time and my first time in about 14 years. It reminded me of the congregation at the beginning of Sister Act. A sleepy, old, unenthusiastic group of people. Really, people were asleep in their rascals, and nobody came up to us and introduced themselves. Part of the problem may have been we were there with my parents, who have zero social skills and are a bit off putting. None the less, during the Sh'ma, the most "important" of prayers, moved me to tears and I had to run to the bathroom. We're still looking for the right congregation. I wrote an e-mail to one congregation asking if we would be welcome to participate in services as a homosexual interfaith couple, and I have yet to hear back from them. Perhaps the "no answer" was my answer. It's too bad because they looked like an amazing community.
Sunday, July 8, 2012
Pinky And The Brain Go Shopping
Now that I'm off work and have nothing but time, we have been checking out the local, and not so local baby stores. We started at a USA Baby that is going out of business. We realized the only thing there that wasn't more expensive than other places even on sale, was a breast pump. We did a little quick research online (thank you iphone) and made a call to my sister in law who has breast fed my two nephews and has a lot of opinions on baby items. This was our first purchase for baby...yes, a breast pump.
The next time we went out we went to another USA Baby that isn't going out of business. We saw a much better selection and received what we thought was great service at the time. We ended up buying the most comfy nursing chair known to woman. It's a recliner/rocker and the back tips back really far so you could sleep there if you wanted. The pull to bring the legs up is between the seat cushion and the arm rest so it's easy to access with a baby in your arms. And, the sage green fabric is soft like a stuffed animal with raised dots in the same color. We walked out with two cribs in mind. When we got home I looked the cribs up online and found out that the woman didn't know what she was talking about as far as the wood the cribs were made of. The one she said was pine was poplar, and the one she said was rubberwood was radiata pine. After this store we picked up my mother in law and headed to Babies R Us. I have never liked this store, and I don't really like it now either. We tested out strollers and pack and plays before looking at cribs. We didn't like any cribs or the crib sets they have. I think this place will be good for a lot of the generic baby items people need.
Today we headed for Pottery Barn Kids. I always thought only snobby people shopped there. But seriously, I LOVE this place now. We are definitely going to register there. Downside is it's about 30-45 minutes from my house depending on traffic. But, it has an online shop, so we're golden. We found a crib and dresser/changing table we just adore. We then checked out two more stores that were in walking distance. We were very restrained and bought nothing.
One thing I've noticed is my little baby bump is always the smallest of the baby bumps there. I'm obviously shopping earlier than other people. But, we have very good reason. The Brain goes back to school August 9th. Once school starts she will be very busy and stressed. The further she gets in to each block, the less we see each other. She won't have time to put together a crib or chair. We're trying to take advantage of time. But, it still makes me wonder if we're just doing this too soon. Should we be waiting? Am I being too presumptuous by purchasing things now that we're going to have a healthy baby? Should we have waited to start buying until 24 weeks? I'm 15w4d pregnant, and for the first time in this whole process I feel really happy and good about what's happening. I feel like this baby will be fine. I feel what I'd what I imagine is close to what other people might be feeling right now...and that scares me just a little.
The next time we went out we went to another USA Baby that isn't going out of business. We saw a much better selection and received what we thought was great service at the time. We ended up buying the most comfy nursing chair known to woman. It's a recliner/rocker and the back tips back really far so you could sleep there if you wanted. The pull to bring the legs up is between the seat cushion and the arm rest so it's easy to access with a baby in your arms. And, the sage green fabric is soft like a stuffed animal with raised dots in the same color. We walked out with two cribs in mind. When we got home I looked the cribs up online and found out that the woman didn't know what she was talking about as far as the wood the cribs were made of. The one she said was pine was poplar, and the one she said was rubberwood was radiata pine. After this store we picked up my mother in law and headed to Babies R Us. I have never liked this store, and I don't really like it now either. We tested out strollers and pack and plays before looking at cribs. We didn't like any cribs or the crib sets they have. I think this place will be good for a lot of the generic baby items people need.
Today we headed for Pottery Barn Kids. I always thought only snobby people shopped there. But seriously, I LOVE this place now. We are definitely going to register there. Downside is it's about 30-45 minutes from my house depending on traffic. But, it has an online shop, so we're golden. We found a crib and dresser/changing table we just adore. We then checked out two more stores that were in walking distance. We were very restrained and bought nothing.
One thing I've noticed is my little baby bump is always the smallest of the baby bumps there. I'm obviously shopping earlier than other people. But, we have very good reason. The Brain goes back to school August 9th. Once school starts she will be very busy and stressed. The further she gets in to each block, the less we see each other. She won't have time to put together a crib or chair. We're trying to take advantage of time. But, it still makes me wonder if we're just doing this too soon. Should we be waiting? Am I being too presumptuous by purchasing things now that we're going to have a healthy baby? Should we have waited to start buying until 24 weeks? I'm 15w4d pregnant, and for the first time in this whole process I feel really happy and good about what's happening. I feel like this baby will be fine. I feel what I'd what I imagine is close to what other people might be feeling right now...and that scares me just a little.
Tuesday, July 3, 2012
HR Advised Me To "Fuck This Place"
At my first appointment with my OB, I was given a light duty note. I turned it into my assistant manager the same day, thinking it would be no big deal. It simply said (specifically) no heavy lifting or pushing patients. My assistant manager chose to hide my note from the manager by placing it into my employee file. She asked me to not push beds and gurnies, but to steer them instead and ask for help from my coworkers. Her intention was to protect me from being taken out of work. At first this was fine, because I could get the guys to transport for me. As time went on, some of the female coworkers asked me why I wasn't transporting. When I said I wasn't supposed to be, and that I had a doctor's note, I was told that they don't do light duty on the unit. This one coworker became a little difficult, telling people there was no reason I couldn't help transport, refusing to help me out, and making me transport patients with her,
That said, I should have stuck up for myself better. I should have put my foot down. I should have insisted that she tell the manager before her two week vacation from the unit (when I couldn't say anything to the manager without throwing my assistant manager under the bus).
Friday my OB's office called with the results of the last ultrasound. I still have the hematoma. They told me specifically...pelvic rest, no exercise, no heavy lifting, no pushing, no pulling. That is part of what I do. I have to pull and turn patients in bed. I have to transport them to their rooms. I have to push them in wheelchairs to their cars. This doesn't sound like much...but picture your typical American. Now picture your typical poor American/person living here illegally. Are they 100 pounds? Maybe if they are a child, but just yesterday I took care of an 88.8 pound 6 year old. So, they are usually heavier because poor diet and no exercise is common in the population I work with. So, now that leaves a 200 pound or heavier person laying in a bed. And remember this bed is heavy because it's full of electronics that help to inflate a mattress, weigh a patient while laying down, prop the head and feet up and lift the bed high. Now, while you're pregnant and spotting, push it, or steer it (which involves a lot of pushing and pulling)
So, I found my voice Monday and told my assistant manager that I had been doing things I wasn't supposed to, and that I needed to watch out of this baby. I told her I was going to follow all the restrictions for the next four weeks. She told me I'd have to go out on short term disability. I went to HR to get the paperwork. While my HR representative was going over the paperwork with me, she asked me some questions. She asked me if I was going home. I told her the assistant manager asked me to stick out the rest of today and if I wanted to come in Tuesday. She said, "Fuck this place. Don't come in tomorrow." So, I'll be calling off today, making phone calls and filling out a lot of paperwork.
That said, I should have stuck up for myself better. I should have put my foot down. I should have insisted that she tell the manager before her two week vacation from the unit (when I couldn't say anything to the manager without throwing my assistant manager under the bus).
Friday my OB's office called with the results of the last ultrasound. I still have the hematoma. They told me specifically...pelvic rest, no exercise, no heavy lifting, no pushing, no pulling. That is part of what I do. I have to pull and turn patients in bed. I have to transport them to their rooms. I have to push them in wheelchairs to their cars. This doesn't sound like much...but picture your typical American. Now picture your typical poor American/person living here illegally. Are they 100 pounds? Maybe if they are a child, but just yesterday I took care of an 88.8 pound 6 year old. So, they are usually heavier because poor diet and no exercise is common in the population I work with. So, now that leaves a 200 pound or heavier person laying in a bed. And remember this bed is heavy because it's full of electronics that help to inflate a mattress, weigh a patient while laying down, prop the head and feet up and lift the bed high. Now, while you're pregnant and spotting, push it, or steer it (which involves a lot of pushing and pulling)
So, I found my voice Monday and told my assistant manager that I had been doing things I wasn't supposed to, and that I needed to watch out of this baby. I told her I was going to follow all the restrictions for the next four weeks. She told me I'd have to go out on short term disability. I went to HR to get the paperwork. While my HR representative was going over the paperwork with me, she asked me some questions. She asked me if I was going home. I told her the assistant manager asked me to stick out the rest of today and if I wanted to come in Tuesday. She said, "Fuck this place. Don't come in tomorrow." So, I'll be calling off today, making phone calls and filling out a lot of paperwork.
Wednesday, June 20, 2012
The Facebook Announcement
I've been struggling with how to make the BIG announcement on FB. I remember seeing the announcements and hurting inside, resenting the fact that other people were pregnant. Sometimes it was a picture of the ultrasound, sometimes a picture of a pregnancy test or a picture of a baby bump. I don't think I've ever seen just a heartfelt note. After the announcement comes the "pregnancy" post obsession. The ones that start, "this pregnant woman..." I know I have FB friends who are still struggling and I want to be respectful of their feelings. So today, after our ultrasound, and feeling a little safer because it's week 13, I sat down and composed the following post.
"Over the last three years, Kami and I have struggled through some very difficult times. We've received a lot of support from friends and family. Some friendships grew stronger while others disappeared. Even at the lowest of moments, we still held out hope. We've met so many people struggling just like us along the way. So, it's from a very humble place that I want to make the official announcement that God willing, Kami and I will be welcoming our little baby into the world December 26, 2012."
"Over the last three years, Kami and I have struggled through some very difficult times. We've received a lot of support from friends and family. Some friendships grew stronger while others disappeared. Even at the lowest of moments, we still held out hope. We've met so many people struggling just like us along the way. So, it's from a very humble place that I want to make the official announcement that God willing, Kami and I will be welcoming our little baby into the world December 26, 2012."
Sunday, June 17, 2012
Recent Negativity From Others: A Rant
I don't need unsolicited doses of reality. Really, I can reality check myself just fine on my own. I spent the first eight weeks of this pregnancy being realistic. Fearing the worst every time I went to the bathroom and saw the blood pouring out of me. Barely able to walk from the car to my RE's office for an ultrasound because my heart was beating so hard, and my knees were buckling under the weight of my own worry. And then this peaceful calm set in once I graduated. I actually started to enjoy my pregnancy. While I still have a nightly conversation with my baby, and then pray to God before falling to sleep, I also rub my growing little belly, stare in the mirror with a smile on my face as I turn from side to side taking in my changing profile, laugh at how veiny my breast have become, take some pleasure in how well my breasts fill up my bra and look better in a shirt... My appetite has mostly come back, and I'm learning to pig out within the constraints of my many food aversions. I still throw up now and then, or feel nauseated, and it's a little reminder that I'm still in my first trimester. The word has gotten out that I'm pregnant and my friends and coworkers who have been with my on this journey from the beginning are overjoyed, have cried, hugged me, kissed me, and are already planning my baby shower in their heads.
So then why does this one new coworker of mine have to rain on my parade? She asked me how far along I was. I told her "12 weeks today". I then told her I have my NT scan the day before and everything looked good, and that it had been exciting to see the baby again. She makes that "humph" noise that negative Nancys like to make. "Well" she starts, "it's good not to be 100% because it's still early." Me, trying to keep my jaw from dropping, thinking a lot of things that I chose not to say. Things like, "Bitch, I don't need you of all people to remind me that something can still go wrong. I'm more than aware of the possibility of loss." Or..."Who the fuck do you think you are to say something like that to me? Do you tell ALL pregnant women that they could miscarry, or just the ones who have spent over three years and every cent of their savings trying to get pregnant?" And, "What do you think is going through my head every time I go to the bathroom and see the dark brown blood on my panty liner? Would you like to join me in the restroom to witness me tell my baby to stay with me each time I feel like I've been leaking blood?"
Or then, the other coworker who still believes in "boy's toys" and "girl's toys" and who believes men should never cry, and who got knocked up in high school. She called me and another nurse "crazy" and a "freaks" because we have dopplers at home. And then told us that we're the type of people who something bad will happen to because we buy things like dopplers. This nurse, who has two beautiful children and just had her first miscarriage, had brain surgery DURING her first pregnancy, and bought the doppler for reassurance. And then, you know my story of loss and IF. My doppler is there for when I feel anxious, and gives me reassurance, or when I just want to enjoy hearing my baby's heartbeat. I don't spend all day worrying about things. Most of the time I spend relaxing and enjoying myself.
So, dear coworkers...if you don't mind, I will be avoiding talking to you about my pregnancy because I don't care to include people like you in this experience. It's my time to enjoy. I have worked hard to get here, and you were not there to see me cry everyday at work, or to help me with my injections, or to cover my patients while I ran off to vomit, or hugged me when I was scared and bleeding heavily. You didn't visit me after my D&C to make sure I was ok. This doesn't involve you. If and when I choose to involve you, you'll know. Until then, you can direct your negativity inward where it belongs.
So then why does this one new coworker of mine have to rain on my parade? She asked me how far along I was. I told her "12 weeks today". I then told her I have my NT scan the day before and everything looked good, and that it had been exciting to see the baby again. She makes that "humph" noise that negative Nancys like to make. "Well" she starts, "it's good not to be 100% because it's still early." Me, trying to keep my jaw from dropping, thinking a lot of things that I chose not to say. Things like, "Bitch, I don't need you of all people to remind me that something can still go wrong. I'm more than aware of the possibility of loss." Or..."Who the fuck do you think you are to say something like that to me? Do you tell ALL pregnant women that they could miscarry, or just the ones who have spent over three years and every cent of their savings trying to get pregnant?" And, "What do you think is going through my head every time I go to the bathroom and see the dark brown blood on my panty liner? Would you like to join me in the restroom to witness me tell my baby to stay with me each time I feel like I've been leaking blood?"
Or then, the other coworker who still believes in "boy's toys" and "girl's toys" and who believes men should never cry, and who got knocked up in high school. She called me and another nurse "crazy" and a "freaks" because we have dopplers at home. And then told us that we're the type of people who something bad will happen to because we buy things like dopplers. This nurse, who has two beautiful children and just had her first miscarriage, had brain surgery DURING her first pregnancy, and bought the doppler for reassurance. And then, you know my story of loss and IF. My doppler is there for when I feel anxious, and gives me reassurance, or when I just want to enjoy hearing my baby's heartbeat. I don't spend all day worrying about things. Most of the time I spend relaxing and enjoying myself.
So, dear coworkers...if you don't mind, I will be avoiding talking to you about my pregnancy because I don't care to include people like you in this experience. It's my time to enjoy. I have worked hard to get here, and you were not there to see me cry everyday at work, or to help me with my injections, or to cover my patients while I ran off to vomit, or hugged me when I was scared and bleeding heavily. You didn't visit me after my D&C to make sure I was ok. This doesn't involve you. If and when I choose to involve you, you'll know. Until then, you can direct your negativity inward where it belongs.
Tuesday, June 5, 2012
Graduation
I knew it was coming. We had even postponed it because my FAVORITE nurse (MFN) and I refused to let it be my last appointment. I had baked my doctor's favorite red velvet cupcakes with cream cheese frosting the night before in preparation. But I was still nervous to the point that the Brain complained that I was being grumpy. I had to wait about half an hour in the ultrasound room for the doctor because he was finishing up a last minute hysteroscopy. I lamented with another nurse that those are painful and I really wish I had taken the valium they'd offered me. I understand when doctors are busy, but I was just so nervous. I'm always nervous in that room because it's where I went in hopeful last year and left broken hearted first with a baby that measured behind, and then a week later with the news it was over. But this time was different. Dr Q and MFN came in so happy (sugar high from the cupcakes I'm sure). MFN tried to kick the other nurse out of the room and playfully pushed her behind the curtain. I told her it was fine to be in there too. I love that MFN is so territorial over me. They inserted the probe and said "oh my". I thought something was wrong because my eyes were closed. I asked if there was a heartbeat. He said yes. I looked and it was a baby! I mean, it looked like a baby not a blob/gummy bear anymore. There were legs, arms, eyes, a nose. I don't think baby eggnog liked all the movement from the probe because it woke up and started moving around. We could see little legs kicking, and the whole body wiggle. They spent a lot of time just watching the baby and cooing over it. Usually they release people earlier, so they don't see such a developed baby ever. There were lots of hugs and congratulations. MFN told me she wants to be the first to know if it's a boy or girl, and that I should e-mail or text her so that the other girls in the office don't find out before her. I gave them my big brown box of supplies and meds, and my used sharps container to dispose of. I signed a paper so they should e-mail my medical records to me, thanked them, told them I would miss them and then walked out.
I have such love and appreciation for the people who work in my clinic. They have gone above and beyond my expectations to help us. They have given us free medications (we of course bought thousands of dollars worth as well), they waived fees for procedures, extended my prepaid cycles to beyond the one year limit, held my hand when I was in pain (physical and emotional), cheered me on and urged me not to give up, checked up on me when things got scary, squeezed me in last minute for emergencies, and most of all, they genuinely cared. I've been with them for two and a half years and only now are they getting on the SART website (numbers aren't published yet). I hope NOW that they have this distinction, more people will listen when I recommend them.
I have such love and appreciation for the people who work in my clinic. They have gone above and beyond my expectations to help us. They have given us free medications (we of course bought thousands of dollars worth as well), they waived fees for procedures, extended my prepaid cycles to beyond the one year limit, held my hand when I was in pain (physical and emotional), cheered me on and urged me not to give up, checked up on me when things got scary, squeezed me in last minute for emergencies, and most of all, they genuinely cared. I've been with them for two and a half years and only now are they getting on the SART website (numbers aren't published yet). I hope NOW that they have this distinction, more people will listen when I recommend them.
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