Reflections

The other day, one of my patients asked me what I thought about the Duggars. It was an interesting question coming from someone waking up from anesthesia. I paused, and really thought about it because my opinion has changed. I told this patient that her children are all well educated, clothed, fed, have good morals and values, are well behaved, respectful, supportive of each other and love their parents. They are not on government assistance, and have found successful ways to make money and live debt free. You can tell that they aren't putting on a show for the camera, because even the smallest of children behave, and little ones just aren't good at lying. (Just ask balloon boy's parents). The main problem I have with the Duggars is that I think Michelle Duggar's body is trying to tell her not to have children, and I'm worried that she's not listening and this will effect her mental and physical health. The last baby she gave birth was premature. If I remember correctly, she had her baby around 25 weeks due to pre-eclampsia. She then became pregnant again and miscarried. But, it wasn't long ago that I would think about the Duggars and feel nothing but jealousy and anger. I thought, how selfish that they have so many children when there are those of us who would give anything to have just one child. I despised their happy homes because it just wasn't fair. What a difference coming to terms with my own anger, and becoming pregnant has made.

Today we saw the reverend who preformed our wedding ceremony for the first time in five years. We have some infrequent contact through facebook. Mostly, we read what the other person is up to and don't comment. She's been doing amazing charity work in Nepal, elevating the status and education of women, bringing equality to the casts, and using goats as a means of women making money for themselves. Please check out this link, it really is an amazing charity. http://rstarfoundation.org/ She was surprised to see that I was pregnant, and thought she must have missed it on facebook. I informed her that I still have several friends who were struggling with infertility and was trying to be respectful of their feelings, and therefor trying not to post too much about the pregnancy. I see it all the time on the resolve boards, women who have not yet conceived complaining about people posting pregnancy announcements on facebook, talking about their pregnancy, posting belly pictures and other such pregnancy related posts. They are so hurt by these postings, and while I was still trying, I remember feeling jealous, but not personally offended. I never considered canceling my account over it, but many women do. And now that I'm the pregnant person, I understand why people post so much about it on facebook. Pregnancy is a life altering experience. It effects every part of your life from brushing your teeth to walking to the mailbox and everything in between. Even when you're not trying to think about it, you end up thinking about it because the baby will kick you in the cervix, or will kick you right where you've laid your book, sending the book bouncing. It's joyous, scary, overwhelming, awe inspiring and miraculous. How do you not share about that? It's difficult. I know because I have to try and figure out ways to be vague enough when I post. I have other friends who have asked for belly pictures and I haven't posted a single one. There are however a few photos of me that show my belly because others posted them after we hung out. But, I wonder if it's really reasonable to become so angry and hurt over pregnancy posts while you're struggling with infertility, and experiencing jealousy. I mean, we post photos of our dinners, of our pets, of the sunset, of a new outfit or a room we just decorated. We talk about new jobs, current jobs, old jobs, looking for a job, getting fired from a job. We don't cancel our facebook accounts because we're unemployed and a friend keeps going on and on about how wonderful her new job is. If friends post a picture of a drink they order at a bar, why not post a photo related to the life I'm carrying inside me? Am I denying myself an experience for fear of hurting a few people's feelings as opposed to celebrating with the majority?

It's amazing how my views have changed. And not just because my perspective has been effected by pregnancy. If you go back through my blog, I was overcoming my anger prior to pregnancy. I had come to realize jealousy and anger had no place in my life anymore. But, I'll admit, seeing the world from a different angle, the other side of the coin, in retrospect makes me stop and think about how far in this journey I've come. And for this, I am thankful.

Aches and Pains Weeks 24-27

When I got pregnant, I didn't think of all the pains that are associated with pregnancy. Morning sickness didn't surprise me. The aching uterus didn't surprise me because I knew it was now housing my baby and needed to make room. But as this pregnancy has progressed, I've experienced some things that literally take my breath away. Some things don't hurt, but worry the heck out of me. I've turned to Dr Google, which sometimes helps, but always end up with a long list of questions at my appointments. I thought I'd share some of my concerns and the PA's responses.

Sometimes it feels like the baby is scratching my abdomen or my cervix with a very sharp nail. It takes my breath away, and I fully expect to see blood when I got to the bathroom, but don't. I wouldn't be surprised if he's born with a shank.
-This is normal. Other women complain of this too. There isn't really an explanation of what causes this.

Sometime it feels like someone is scraping the inside of my vagina.
-Same answer as above.

I get frequent braxton hicks, especially when I'm super busy at work. I can't stop, drink water and lay down when I'm in the middle of hanging blood and fluids, contacting anesthesiologist and surgeons because my patient is unstable.
-It's ok to have braxton hicks. Even though the books all say to contact your doctor if you have more than 4 in an hour, it's ok as long as they aren't strong. You could have one per minute as long as they aren't strong.

Is it normal for the baby to have quieter days. Days where I don't feel him move much at all?
-As long as you feel him move 10 times in two hours than it's ok. If you don't feel him move 10 times in two hours, go to the hospital.

Sometimes it burns before I urinate, but not when I urinate or after. There is no blood in my urine.
-It is probably just the pressure of the baby on your full bladder. It's ok as long as you don't have painful urination, which would indicate a UTI.

I've been getting floaters in my vision for the last week. I took my blood pressure at work and it was normal.
-Monitor the floaters. If I have a headache with it, or high blood pressure notify the doctor.

Love Taps

The aching of my hips usually wakes me up between 8:30 and 9:30 in the morning. I usually try and reposition myself to find a comfortable position so that I can continue laying down. I don't like to get up, not even to pee if I can help it because little mister wakes up and starts moving around. It's those little love taps that I enjoy the most because they are the first ones of the day. When they slow I get up for breakfast and then put my feet up on the couch. He starts kicking again and I can just sit back and enjoy it. This little morning routine that is my favorite part of the day. Later I know that I'll be at work and my back will ache, I'll be busy and it will be difficult to feel him kick, His favorite place to kick while I'm at work is in my cervix, and besides being uncomfortable, it puts a lot of pressure in a place that I'd rather not be feeling pressure. I worry about incompetent cervix, so I'd like him to lay off it as he gets bigger. I asked him to kick me higher during our nightly conversation, and the next day (yesterday) he listened and kicked me high up in my abdomen. I still use my doppler when he's having quiet days, and it's reassuring and cute. He often pushes the doppler away or turns away from it. Back to my morning routine!

Riding the Hormonal Roller Coaster

It happened somewhere after 20 weeks. Suddenly, and without any warning, anything could make me cry. The Brain would just have to have an intonation in her voice and I'd be convinced she was mad at me and then there came the tears. It's my number one trigger these days. Last weekend when I was so upset that something might go wrong that I burst into tears because I'd realized I'd become crazy. Last night I watched the movie "A Little Bit of Heaven" and burst out into full on uncontrollable sobbing. We're talking crying like the protagonist was my close and personal friend. I even got a nosebleed from it. Why I thought watching a movie about a young woman (around my age) being diagnosed with terminal cancer and then finding love was a good idea..I have no clue. Then last night we tried perineal massage for the first time (as advised by my doctor). I felt vulnerable and uncomfortable, so the flood gates opened. This morning over breakfast I told the Brain about last nights strange dream. She told me she had a bad dream about us. I couldn't leave it at that so pried further until she told me that I had told her that I was leaving and taking our son with me. I burst into tears and sobs and told her I would never do that. And then lastly, I became overwhelmed looking through slow cooker recipes in order to pick out easy meals since I'm going back to work. I was looking through five ingredient recipes, it doesn't get much more simple yet I threw body dramatically on the table and declared it was too much. Yep... pregnancy hormones have taken over and gotten the best of me. Poor Brain...she hates to see me upset and always wants to make it better and she just keeps asking "What can I do to make you feel better? What do you need?" And the answer is always "I dunno." And...we have 17 more weeks of riding this hormonal roller coaster followed by the postpartum hormones.

Fighting Anxiety

I spent yesterday mostly in bed or on the couch laying down. I plan on pretty much doing the same thing today. I've been feeling anxious...again. I've been having sharp shooting pains in my cervix and surrounding areas. They only last a moment and then are gone, but they make me incredibly nervous. The baby is kicking me all the time, really low, so I'm assuming that he's laying really low. Maybe that's why I'm hurting below. But, then I've been having Braxton Hicks that take my breath away. Not frequent, but several during the day. I even had one when I bent down and picked up my 8 pound dog. Then I had a "my belly looks smaller moment" last night...yet again. So, like always I measured my belly. And unlike always...it's smaller. Yes! It was 35 inches, and now it's 34.5 inches. Great, now I just have more reasons to believe that something is going wrong and that my cervix is not holding my little baby boy in. Dr Google says that your belly becomes smaller when your baby drops into position. Well, that shouldn't be happening for at least another 15 weeks. I have a doctor's appointment on Wednesday, and if I don't crack and call on Monday, I'm going to have a long list of questions/anxieties to discuss with the PA. I haven't seen her before, so I hope she'll be nice enough to listen and talk to me about my concerns. Why can't I accept that my body is doing something normal. I have to be convinced that something is going wrong, or will go wrong.

I Love My Mommies

Today I was looking around at onesies and jumpers online. I kept finding shirts about "my mom" "my dad" "my aunt" "my grandma". I always feel a little sad when I see the cute daddy onesies because in essence it's just talking about the other very significant parent who didn't carry the baby for nine months, or the other parent in general since families are made in SO many ways. That person is the Brain and she's not a daddy. I want to be able to honor her like other parents who put their children in these types of clothes. We've had discussions before about father's day and how she wants to celebrate fathers day because she feels like a father. I'm uncomfortable with this idea for more than just the blaring fact that she doesn't have a penis (because that's not the only thing that makes a man). She does not identify as a man, she uses the women's restroom, she's my wife and therefore should be proud to be a mother. Back to the onesies. So eventually I searched for "I Love My Mommies" onesies and found some cute ones. When I scrolled down google looking for different sites that carry them, I came across a forum where a lady was saying she would never put such a statement on her baby and therefore subject her baby to ridicule. In my personal opinion, if our child is to be ridiculed for having two moms, it will happen with or without a onesie because anyone with their eyes open will see that we're two women and a baby. It's as much a statement of pride of parenthood as putting on a "I love my mommy and daddy" onesie. But, there were people who had a problem with it.

What do you think? Am I selfish if I put such a onesie on our baby?

20 Weeks

We've made it half way!!!! 20 weeks down, and please G-d, please, another 20 weeks to go. According to my nifty iphone app, our little mister is the size of a banana. I think he's the size of an extra large banana, because he's been measuring a week ahead consistently. The occasional popcorn "is that gas or the baby" feelings went away and were replaced by internal thumps, bumps and rolls. Some take me by surprise and I have to stop for a second because I feel as if I might fall down. The Brain asked me how they feel, and I said "you know those balls that glide? That have the clear plastic outside with the oil and another ball on the inside that wobble around as the ball glides forward? It feels like that." I used up my zofran today and had to have it refilled. 20 weeks, not really throwing up, but still having nausea. The spotting is gone! I'm still finding bits of black crinone that have been hiding up my vag for the last 10 weeks. An occasional reminder of those scary times. I've become obsessed with being afraid of incompetent cervix, leaking amniotic fluid and other irrational fears, but only on bad days. In a moment of weakness I invited my mother to the anatomy scan with me this coming Friday. I thought she might enjoy it, and I'm trying to give her every chance to be involved and enthusiastic. Her complete lack of interest and emotional support is driving me crazy. I'm trying to be the bigger adult and continue to reach out to her and provide her with opportunities, but I'm pretty close to throwing my hands in the air and writing her off. That's another post, that I didn't bother writing because to bitch about how my dad said, "oh I wanted a granddaughter" when I told him it was a boy, or how my mom said she'd touched pregnant bellies before and I had to remind her that she had NEVER touched mine just to get a half hearted pat out of her, would just be draining. So back to this anatomy scan...Silly me forgot that my mother knows nothing about my ginormous phoenix tattoo, that will appear even bigger since it's stretching. I'm hoping if I don't say anything and play it off like "what massive tattoo are you referring to?" that it won't turn into a big fight that ends up with my mom not talking to anyone for a couple weeks until she seeks therapy...AGAIN. Have I mentioned that the Brain reads a chapter of Pinocchio to my belly each night? Or how my belly popped out so that even when I'm laying down it's still visible? We're totally giddy these days, and in love with each other and our baby. Despite the fear and worry, it's like the clouds have lifted, giving rise to a bright sun (hot too at 107 these days) and we can smile up at the sky once again. Ok, yep...with that, I'm ending on a cheesy note.