As I was walking up the stairs to my RE's office this afternoon, I suddenly had a wave of anxiety wash over me. It hit me and I stopped, like my feet were caught in the sand as the water recedes into the ocean. All I was going in for was a baseline ultrasound, not a big deal, but at that moment my hands were trembling. Each time I go in, I am more and more anxious. It all started with that seven week ultrasound where I was supposed to see a growing little baby with a strong heartbeat, but instead I saw a baby struggling to develop and lagging far behind. Then, a week later I didn't even look because I knew what he was going to say. The next day, I left after a D&C. At our ET I cried, was anxious, impatient, and didn't even watch. I didn't want to see the embryos that I might never meet. I left upset, negative and down. I don't want to be that way. I want to shed this anxiety, drop it in a corner like a heavy winter coat on the last day of winter. It weighs on me. I want to feel weightless again, like when we were scuba diving in Belize. I felt free and exhilarated knowing I was defying nature, breathing underwater, not even feeling the burden of the bulky dive gear. If only getting pregnant were as easy and enjoyable.
In other news, we started our stims today. I forgot the hot searing pain that goes along with Bravelle. I tried to postpone the shot by said "wait wait wait" a lot. But, I know she'll eventually sit on me, so I allowed her to give it to me. I thought that it would be an easier shot now that I've gained a few pounds and have some belly fat...but nope it still hurts.