In the Last Week I…

I had a 4-day-old little girl brought to me by EMTs after her mother was placed on a psychiatric hold for inappropriate behavior. They had been staying at a safe house within a rehabilitation facility. The baby’s behavior and development was all normal, but she had a little hematoma on her head. Because it was a CPS case, there was nobody there to take care of the baby. All the nurses and some of the doctors were fighting over holding, and feeding, and changing and cuddling the baby. I had no interest in holding the baby, but I took care of her when nobody else was around. The baby ended up having a skull fracture and bleed. I knew I should feel angry, but I didn’t. I didn’t feel anything.

I took a pregnancy test and it was still positive. Seeing that second line and knowing it wasn’t real was crushing. The next day, I tested again and it was negative.

I’ve been fighting a cold all week. After Theraflu failed me, I took Mucinex. I didn’t realize it has dextromethorphan. After taking the med, I spent the next day and a half stuck in bed trying not to freak out. I get anxious, hallucinate, and feel terrible when I take anything with dextromethorphan.

While at Disneyland I got a call from my RE’s office letting me know that my beta as of Wednesday was 20. My RE thinks that I could start a cycle as early as next week. Maybe we’ll go ahead, maybe we won’t.  Rather than thinking about it too hard, I went on a rollercoaster.

We went out of dinner at an amazing steakhouse. I had a delicious glass of wine, yet another thing I couldn’t do if I were still pregnant.

Got the green light to start a new FET cycle next week. I wrote back that we would start once this cold has gone away. 

To My IF Sisters

I want to acknowledge something that touched my heart, and made me feel a lot less alone. While reading through all the kind words, thoughts, and prayers left as comments, I noticed people saying they were from LFCA. After a quick search, I discovered the Lost and Found Connections Abound. I skimmed it and then continued on with my self-pity. Then, this morning, I returned to the site and thoroughly read through the pages to see what the site is about. There, under Pregnancy Announcements and News, was a blurb about me, and my little baby measuring behind. Someone read my blog, announced it on the board, and women who don't know me, but know my struggle, gave me exactly what I needed: support. Thank you so much for this kindness.

I also need to thank the women of inspire, who kept positive during the week we waited to know if our baby was growing, and who reached out to me when we found out it no longer was. I keep visiting the site and reading the posts to help gather strength when I start to fall apart. 

The physical and emotional pain we endure on our journeys to motherhood would be much more difficult without each other. Be proud of yourselves for your unselfish benevolence. I see the dark side of humanity far too frequently in my professional life, and it is a breath of fresh air to encounter such compassion among strangers. 

The Day After

I have pressure over my heart. It takes my breath away. I think it will last forever. I know it won’t. I want to move on. Maybe tomorrow.

8 weeks 0 days

5:38 a.m.- I’ve been up since 3:45 a.m. watching old episodes of the Twilight Zone. How ironic and appropriate, since I feel like I’m in my own Twilight Zone episode: Pinky’s Pregnancy. In less than 12 hours I should have some answers. I hope all the nausea and fatigue I’ve experiences this week are positive signs. But, I keep dreaming about needing to schedule a D&C. I’ve been trying to maintain a happy attitude, since being depressed won’t help my little runt.

8:15 a.m.- The baby bump app sent me an update letting me know I’ve started a new week in my pregnancy. 8 weeks today! By now my baby should be the size of a raspberry, and my uterus the size of a grapefruit. Perhaps I was too hasty in purchasing an app that would guide me through my pregnancy week by week. Shame on me for celebrating my pregnancy with great optimism so early on.

10:00 a.m.- The pain, redness, and swelling in my right hip/butt from the PIO injections is unbearable. The pressure of my underwear is too much. I melt down into full on snotty nose sobbing. My little dog decides my butt is a springboard. At this moment she is my worst enemy, and I can’t blame her, how can she know any better?

4:30 p.m.- There is no new development, the pregnancy is over. My doctor starts to give me my options and I blurt out D&C before he can even finish. The Brain and I had already discussed this, so there was no need for further conversation. He offers to call in his anesthesiologist and do it right then and there. I accept until I realize I had drunk tea on the way in, and eaten 6 hours prior. They check my insurance to see what will be covered. My dear insurance company wants me to go to my primary doctor. My sainted RE feels more comfortable doing it himself, decides to waive his fee, leaving only a mere $400 for us to cover for the anesthesiologist. I feel blessed to have such a wonderful RE. We schedule the D&C for first thing the next morning. We reschedule the Brain’s doctor’s appointment and head home.

7:00 p.m.- The sense of calm and relief I’ve been feeling starts to fade. I’m a little sad and a little nervous. I keep having thoughts of posting something obnoxious and totally inappropriate on FB. Mostly I’m just glad this will soon be over and we will get to try again as soon as my beta is near 0. In the meantime, I plan on watching a sad movie and icing my swollen butt. 

Purgatory

I feel like I've been punched in the stomach and then hugged by the person who punched me. That's pretty much what just happened. My RE looked said there was a pregnancy, and I knew at once my fears turning into a reality. I know his happy tone and his worried tone. First he just saw a sack, then he measured the baby at 5w6d and couldn't see a heartbeat. He looked for a long time and found a heartbeat of 133. So, it's not over, but it's not good. He gave me a hug and said we'd recheck in a week. So I get to cry, and they get to enjoy a fresh batch of Irish Car Bomb cupcakes that I baked for them.

Letter To My Higher Power...

Today I am 7 weeks pregnant and I am scheduled for my first ultrasound. Please grant me the pleasure of seeing a baby, measuring 7 weeks, with a strong heartbeat. Please let me feel connected with this little life growing inside of me. Release me from this fear and apprehension I feel everyday. Today I worry that my uterus will be empty, that there will be an empty sac, that there will be a baby and no heartbeat, that there will be a baby and a slow heartbeat, or something worse, if that is possible. I am too afraid to take a pregnancy test in order to reassure myself that I'm still pregnant, because I think it will only show one line. I worry because my betas were so low, and most women on my message boards report high numbers. I try and reassure myself by reminding myself that I only have the power to take my shots and vitamins, to eat nutritious foods, to hydrate well, to sleep as directed on my side or back, to abstain from sex and to rest. Please replace this fear with love and serenity. It is out of my hands.