Monday, March 21, 2011


IF is like a shadow lurking beneath you, following you everywhere you go. Sometimes I think I can shake it. It's like enjoying high noon on a beach, it's great while it lasts, but inevitably the sun shifts positions in the sky, and it isn't quite as nice. For a few days, I was on cloud nine. And now, the worry sets it. I worry that my little embryo(s) are developing properly. That the wellbutrin I take won't effect my baby's heart. I worry that something will happen before I even have the chance to see that heart on the ultrasound at 7 weeks. I worry because I often feel a fullness in my lower abdomen. I worry because sometimes I don't feel a fullness in my lower abdomen. I especially worry because I worry, and anxiety and stress isn't good for a pregnancy.

I know that I'm not nearly out of the woods. I see women who come into the ER loosing their babies early in the pregnancy. I want so badly to celebrate entering my second trimester, then my third and then my healthy baby. I can't even bring myself to wish to be like most other women and glide through pregnancy with little concern. If this were easy, than would I appreciate this gift as much? I'd like to think that those of us who battle IF embrace pregnancy and motherhood with the spirit of a woman who has been to hell and back, with an appreciation kin to when a person experiences a near death experience.

Goal for today: Distraction and relaxation through work and deep breathing.

1 comment:

  1. What you are experiencing sounds normal after infertility. I've heard that most former infertiles don't stop worrying until after the baby is born and healthy. It's just normal for us to worry. Try your best to relax (easier said than done I know=) ) and hang in there. Maybe some pre-natal yoga would help? Good luck!