Nerves

IF is like a shadow lurking beneath you, following you everywhere you go. Sometimes I think I can shake it. It's like enjoying high noon on a beach, it's great while it lasts, but inevitably the sun shifts positions in the sky, and it isn't quite as nice. For a few days, I was on cloud nine. And now, the worry sets it. I worry that my little embryo(s) are developing properly. That the wellbutrin I take won't effect my baby's heart. I worry that something will happen before I even have the chance to see that heart on the ultrasound at 7 weeks. I worry because I often feel a fullness in my lower abdomen. I worry because sometimes I don't feel a fullness in my lower abdomen. I especially worry because I worry, and anxiety and stress isn't good for a pregnancy.

I know that I'm not nearly out of the woods. I see women who come into the ER loosing their babies early in the pregnancy. I want so badly to celebrate entering my second trimester, then my third and then my healthy baby. I can't even bring myself to wish to be like most other women and glide through pregnancy with little concern. If this were easy, than would I appreciate this gift as much? I'd like to think that those of us who battle IF embrace pregnancy and motherhood with the spirit of a woman who has been to hell and back, with an appreciation kin to when a person experiences a near death experience.

Goal for today: Distraction and relaxation through work and deep breathing.