What I would give to be sick and throw up...

Then at least I might feel pregnant. I can't count the sore and enlarged breasts as a pregnancy symptom because I'm on progesterone and estrogen shots, which cause that. I'm peeing all the time, but also drinking more water than usual. Usually, I might drink 8-12 oz of fluid per day. Instead I'm drinking water all day and all night long. If I sleep for 8 hours without drinking, I wake up feeling parched, my hands feel swollen and have mild cramps. I am also eating a lot more salt that usual. Normally I use salt to bake and that's about it, but now I'm adding it to food, and enjoying salty food. But, I'm afraid to POAS because I have a fear that it will be negative. We still have 9 days to go until the ultrasound and I'm afraid there won't be a baby in there. I also had two baby dreams today. One was at an ultrasound and there were two babies, one with a strong heartbeat, and one with a slow heartbeat. Then, I had a dream where I was holding a baby and I didn't know if it was a boy or girl or how old it was, but I knew it was mine. The baby was holding onto me very tightly. You can't tell, but I'm actually trying not to worry...but it's not working. 

Calmly worried, Pinky

Nerves

IF is like a shadow lurking beneath you, following you everywhere you go. Sometimes I think I can shake it. It's like enjoying high noon on a beach, it's great while it lasts, but inevitably the sun shifts positions in the sky, and it isn't quite as nice. For a few days, I was on cloud nine. And now, the worry sets it. I worry that my little embryo(s) are developing properly. That the wellbutrin I take won't effect my baby's heart. I worry that something will happen before I even have the chance to see that heart on the ultrasound at 7 weeks. I worry because I often feel a fullness in my lower abdomen. I worry because sometimes I don't feel a fullness in my lower abdomen. I especially worry because I worry, and anxiety and stress isn't good for a pregnancy.

I know that I'm not nearly out of the woods. I see women who come into the ER loosing their babies early in the pregnancy. I want so badly to celebrate entering my second trimester, then my third and then my healthy baby. I can't even bring myself to wish to be like most other women and glide through pregnancy with little concern. If this were easy, than would I appreciate this gift as much? I'd like to think that those of us who battle IF embrace pregnancy and motherhood with the spirit of a woman who has been to hell and back, with an appreciation kin to when a person experiences a near death experience.

Goal for today: Distraction and relaxation through work and deep breathing.

4 weeks 2 days

After we got the call that my second beta had more than doubled, we purchased a box of HPT. I really wanted to see two lines, something we'd never seen before. The first test, the line was faint, but there. I was so excited that it was faint, because then I could see it get darker. So, I waited two days, and took another HPT. The line was defiantly darker! I'm so excited because it means my little lucky charms are hanging on and growing. 

Life and Taxes

Driving to our accountants, my cell phone rings. I recognize the number, it's the RE's office. I pick up as we pull into the lot. The nurse asks for me by name and introduces herself. "This is Jennifer from Dr. Q's office. I'm calling about your beta." GULP. Not again, it's gone down, it's chemical! "Your beta is 69, it more than doubled." What?? Why did she say it like that, she just told me good new right? I actually ask her, "Why did you say it so seriously? I was preparing myself for the worst. My heart was in my throat." Then I ask about the next step, my next beta. She tells me I don't need one, I just need to continue my meds and come into the office for an ultrasound in April. Then, the next questions out of my mouth surprise me. 1. Can I have sex yet? 2. Can I sleep on my stomach? Answers, no and no. It's worth it, totally worth it.

We sat with the accountant on cloud nine, and must have had the biggest goofy smiles on our faces the whole time. The Brain and I just held hand and exchanged grins. He totaled our returns, and in my head I was thinking...money for the baby, for the nursery. We have savings again!! Gosh, I loved tax day!!

Floating somewhere over the moon....
Pinky

7dp5dt

As much as I wish IVF didn’t involve vaginas, it does. There is constantly things going in and coming out. Pelvic ultrasounds with loads of goopie surgilube, speculums, catheter tips, dilators, camera tips, contrast, saline, suppositories, needles…in. Blood, more blood, secretions, increased secretions, and more blood…out. Why can't my vagina be a happy place, all cute and clean, and free of medical instruments. Of course, all this will seem obsolete once I’m pregnant and delivering a baby and all that comes out with that… With that said, I raise my glass of water to TMI, an unavoidable part of IF.

At 2:00 am I had my first bathroom break of the night. I sat down, looked down, and there it was…thick, dark, brown blood. Damn! How can be blood be a good sign seven hours before my beta? Then, an hour later, more brown blood. That’s it…it’s over, it hasn’t worked. My coworker who is a midwife suggested implantation bleeding. Some of the members of members of my online support group also suggested implantation bleeding. When I get to the office looking defeated, one of the nurses reassured me that dark brown is good blood. She comments that I always stay so positive until the last day. She’s right, except for the one off negative Nancy day earlier in the week, I’m usually very upbeat and positive.

Then the phone call wakes me up around 3 pm. The nurse says she has good news and I have to stop her and question what she said. Good news? For me? No, I’m bleeding and it’s over. She says my beta is 23. That’s 13 more than last cycle when I had a chemical pregnancy. This is progress!

Now, if only I could renounce my membership to the panty inspection club...

Pinky

Symptom watch 2011...

Last night around 2:30 am nausea struck. After debating whether or not to get up to vomit, I decided instead to go to the sleep instead. When I woke up at 7 am, the nausea was just as bad. I got up to feed the dogs and had to stop and sit down a few times. The smell of my dog's wet food was too much for my churning stomach. While annoying, it gave me hope, because it's the first symptom that can't be blamed on progesterone.

Around 10:45 am, I woke up again. This time from a vivid, steamy sex dream. I don't have those very frequently. Luckily I woke up in time. It took a few hours to fall back asleep because I couldn't get comfortable. I was experiencing a cramping pain in my lower abdomen. The cramps were unlike the cramps I have experienced up until now, and before the ET. It was more of a burning cramp.

Since waking up at 4:30 pm for work, I have been free of nausea and cramps. We'll see how the rest of the night goes...it's my first night back at work.

Pinky

My Lucky Charms

Implant...grow...thrive...I'll keep this image in my thoughts to conjure up the warm fuzzies and hope.
Your mommy,
Pinky