31w1d

Tuesday late afternoon I was sent home, much to my surprise. I wasn't against going home. I was just against going home without the Procardia or even a minute of my OB's time. I had waited all day for the perinatologist to consult and ended up never seeing him. He came, looked at my chart and then spoke to my OB. My OB decided to discharge me and went on with his day. I felt ripped off. What about all my questions and concerns? What about the conversation we're supposed to have so that I can be an active part of my treatment? They took those away from me without even giving a thought to how I would feel. It made me think of all the times doctors have handed me admission orders without even so much as glancing beyond the chart to the patient. I always tried my hardest to get them to enter the patient room, forget about numbers, and pay attention to the patient. And now, here I was, on the other end of things...the patient and not the nurse.

The Brain took me home slowly in the car and set me up in bed. I kept track of my contractions until going to sleep. And then when I woke up the next morning, I kept track of my contractions some more. And today, that's what I'm doing again. Very relaxing, and not stressful in the least. The more distracted I am, the better. I was very upset today and I just wanted the Brain to get away from me so that I could relax and slow the contractions. But, she is infuriatingly persistent sometimes in her desire to talk about things when sometimes I just need to be left alone to process my thoughts and feelings.

It's not easy feeling like a burden and the cause of stress to everyone. I'm trying to still enjoy my pregnancy, which is not easy considering that it's become a very physically difficult pregnancy. I'm trying not to ask much of anyone, especially the Brain so that she can focus on school. The moment we were back from the hospital she started to stress about me being home, needing to get me food, medicating the cats, cleaning the litter boxes, emptying the trash. I tried to get her to go to school while we were in the hospital and even had her attend lecture through Skype. Today she got upset because she didn't remember something from last year. That doesn't have anything to do with missing two days of school this week because it wasn't something that she missed learning. Yet, I'm the source of her stress and worry and she's working herself up to the point that I think she's going to be unable to pass. And not because she can't, but because she's dug herself into such a pit of anxiety that she's not capable of getting out of or seeing past.

So while I should be excited to have made it to 31w1 days, I'm not feeling excited at all. I'm just feeling like I'm in the way.

30w4d And New Complications

We went to L&D last night giggling like idiots saying that we were sure everything was fine but just wanted to get checked out, and personally feeling dumb for even coming. Who knew we'd have a BIG surprise in store for us. They saw the contractions, checked the cervix and announced it was a little dilated. Further clarification revealed "a little" meant 2 cm, which lets face it, isn't bad considering. They told me I'd be staying, would probably not be heading back to work, and would more than likely not make it full term. Last night my nurse kept telling me to take it day by day, which is something I already do. They transfered me to a new room and my poor nurse was SO busy administering medication to me though just about every rout. Yay for NO suppositories! I was privy to enjoy the flush personal summer of mag accompanied with it's dopy daze, headache and decreased respirations. I'll say this from the heart....I'll do anything to keep this little man inside me until he's further along.

I remember saying last night that this was not ok every time the Brain said it's ok. I told her no, this is NOT ok. Nothing about this is ok. This is not what is supposed to be happening. I am SCARED for my baby. Not because they did anything wrong. They didn't and are spot on as far with their treatments as far as I can tell. They answer all my questions and have been wonderful. I'm scared because although I understand the advances in modern medicine, I understand more than 95% chance of survival means 5% of mortality. And more importantly, understand that no artificial environment is nearly ask good as the one inside of me.

At this point contractions are no longer every 5 minutes. They are irregular for the most part. I'm calm, taking in the reality. Knowing we won't know what the future brings and that yes, we'll take one day at a time, one hour at a time, and one moment at a time if needed. I'll enjoy every beat of his heart I hear over the monitors and every little movement (although they can irritate the uterus). I'll continue praying our little boy makes it into this world alive and well I can't think right now about if he doesn't. It's too much and not the right state of mind for now.

How Do People Afford A Baby?

I was totally fine with the financials of having a baby. I'd come to terms with the fact that everything we've saved for the last five years has gone towards making the baby, and therefore we didn't have any savings for the baby. It's just part of IF and there wasn't anything I could do about it. But then, I read the contract that our useless union is trying to get us to settle for. Panic set it.

Let me break it down with a touch of background. As a county nurse, you expect to bring home less money than other nurses. We work hard, sometimes I think maybe harder than in other hospitals because we have less to work with and more patients. So why work for county? Because you know that while today you're taking home less, your retirement benefits are supposed to make up for it. Yes, I'm talking about a pension. The county pays a 7% contribution to my retirement. Now, they are proposing to take that away. We voted to strike, we moved forward with paperwork, and then the county gave us another proposal. Now, the union is encouraging us not to strike. Why strike over 7%? I looked at my paycheck and loosing that 7% is essentially a 7% pay cut. I will now be responsible for paying the $420 per month instead of the county. To make this up, They will give me $350 bonus in 6 months, and another $350 bonus 6 months from then. I will get $0.25 raise in 6 months, and another $0.25 raise in one year. Over 6 months I will loose $2,520 from my take home pay. They give me $350 in 6 months and that reduces it to $2,170. At that point I get my raise, which adds up to $20 more per pay period. In 6 months that raise only nets me $240. These raises and bonuses are designed to make up for our losses. Now, I'm not very good with math, but it seems to me that I'll still be loosing out on a lot of my take home pay.

This comes at a time when a new baby is going to be added to my family. This amazing miracle will add cost to our living expenses. I don't yet know how much since he's not here yet. There will be the diaper service ($20 per month more than disposable CostCo brand), his health insurance, childcare (an in home nanny for 25 hours per week), clothing, toiletries, and a million other things I don't yet know that I'll need.

So what about the Brain? Why can't she work? Well, because she's in school studying very diligently, and following her dream to become a veterinarian. It is 100% unfair to ask her to work knowing how much time she spends studying or in class. She barely has time for me. If she works, she won't see me or the baby, and then will be freaking out about how she needs to study but doesn't have time. If she works during the summer, it won't really be cost effective. It would make more sense for her to stay home with the baby over the summer, eliminating the need for a nanny for a few months, and getting to have some quality time with our little mister.

So what about me? Well, I could get another job where I made more money, but wouldn't necessarily be happier. I know many many many people who have left to other hospitals for more money just to return to my hospital. Some leave and stay gone, but aren't happy there. They admittedly stay for the money. And, it's not that easy to get another job. There are a lot of nurses looking for jobs. It's not like you just say I want to work at hospital x in the y department and it's yours. I could work registry, and never be home to see the baby or the Brain.

All this leaves me with one question. How the heck am I supposed to afford to be a mom?

28 Weeks!

It's here! I'm here! We've arrived to the third trimester! Thank you G-d for getting me here, for keeping my baby safe, for keeping my body strong. I wonder if these last 12 weeks are going to feel like they go by fast or slow?

Things I look forward to this trimester:
-My mother in law is coming to the ultrasound with me this Friday.
-We start prepared childbirth classes this Saturday.
-Our baby shower!
-Finishing the nursery.
-Seeing the OB more frequently. I like my OB and it always makes me reassured to air my worries and hear that they are all "normal".
-Breast feeding class.
-Our photo shoot at the end of this month.
-Meeting our son!