Sister In Law

A few weeks ago, The Brain sent her sister an e-mail asking if she would consider carrying a child for us. I was hoping for at least some sort of acknowledgment that would let us know that she had at least read the e-mail, but we never received one. She finally asked her mom her sister had mentioned receiving the e-mail. Then, yesterday she wrote us to tell us that she had not been ignoring the letter, but that she is taking time to think about it. That is more than I expected her to actually do. I figured she would just say no. I still think that ultimately that is the decision she'll make, but at least I know that she's taking time to really consider what we have asked. I only hope she gives us the opportunity to answer some questions and discuss it with her before making a final decision. Among other things, I want her to know that she'll receive financial support, and we'll pay for any counseling that she'll need. For now, I'm just going to be happy with knowing she's not making any quick decisions.

I Am A Phoenix

I spent the evening having great conversation and finishing getting my Phoenix tattoo. Thanks to Craig at Another Twilight Fantasy. I still have one session to go for final touch ups but for the most part it's complete. I may not be able to have a baby, but I can get an amazing tattoo that makes me happy and lasts a life time.

Same Shit Different Day

I e-mailed the nurse at my RE's office to ask if I could take provera to trigger my period so that we could do another cycle before November. I had already ordered a refill, but wanted to start a line of communication anyway. She asked why I was so insistent about cycling before November. Derrr...I purchased the two cycle plan thinking we would NEVER get that far...and we were told we would loose the second cycle if it wasn't used within a year. And...NOVEMBER, which is just around the corner is one year. Happy freaking anniversary to ME!! It will be the one year anniversary of the first time I thought I was pregnant, and will commemorate two chemical pregnancies, one unsuccessful pregnancy ending with a D&C at eight weeks, one failed IVF cycle. In January, it will be out three year anniversary of trying to start a family. Wow, side tracked.... The nurse gets back to me and says she has discussed this with the woman who takes care of the finances and they have decided that they will allow me to do the second cycle whenever it's a good time for me. They don't want me to feel rushed, or do it before I'm ready. Seriously? I'm always ready, and just as much so not ready. I long for success but fear another disappointment. Isn't the definition of insanity doing the same thing over and over and expecting different results? What makes doing this any different? I feel like a psychological experiment, putting my hand in for a treat and getting a shock instead. I tried to sign up for the foster/adoption orientation for October 22nd, but didn't have the day off. I requested the time off and they didn't get back to me. So, I call and take my name off the list and told them I'd call back to put my name back on the list if I got the time. OK, no problem they said....failing to mention that the classes fill up regularly and that I should just wait and see. So, I finally get the day off and I call. Now, I have to wait until January. Great, now I have an extra Saturday off this month. Maybe I'll spend it at Disneyland.

After an infuriatingly sleepless day, I went to work with bloodshot eyes, no dinner, this terrible persistent cough which often triggers vomiting, and a chip on my shoulder. I get to work, get report, and then get the best news ever. Please read that with a hint of sarcasm. This nurse who I had trained for a short while back in March and April when I was pregnant just found out she's having a boy. A boy?? I didn't even know she was pregnant. Yes, she's four months along and her last doctor just thought she had a cyst, but the last check up showed a fully formed little baby boy. She's SO happy because she was worried that she'd have trouble because everyone around her is having trouble with infertility. REALLY??? Because infertility is contagious?? If only...then I'd take some antibiotics and have a freaking baby already. Or, better yet, maybe fertility is contageous as I hear it's spread in the water. Maybe I should hydrate more. 

And now, my chest hurts from coughing, my benadryl might kick in soon, I have to sleep before work tonight (it's my Friday) and then Tuesday I get to relax into the tattoo chair again to complete my Phoenix. Upon completion I'll post a picture. Until then, just know it's awesome and makes me feel a little bad ass. Which is a nice change of pace because pissed off and depressed is really getting rather old.  

Rosh Hashana Dinner

Sometimes being the one infertile childless person is actually a good thing. I was at my brother's house this past week visiting. They have two boys, a 4 year old and a 1.5 year old. Both are quite a handful, the older one especially. I love them both, but they require constant attention, mostly because they are given constant attention. I won't go into all that. It was Rosh Hashana and we were having dinner with their neighbors who have two children around the same age. Here we were five adults and four children. The children were all screaming and yelling, running around, being picky eaters, throwing shoes, toys, fighting over dolls etc. Parents were in all directions as their beer warmed up, and their food cooled down. But not me! I sat at the head of the table, eating my dinner and sipping at my beer because NONE of the chaos was my responsibility. It was the first time I felt like I was the lucky one for once.