Generosity

Our RE continues to shower us with kindness. The Brain called yesterday to ask how much the FET would cost. (Maybe we should have done this at our baseline ultrasound?) They put her on hold, and when they returned, they blew her away. The $2000 FET, which should have come with a discount (for being a nurse) is actually not going to cost anything. We'll pay for blood work, and of course continue paying for our meds, but the FET is free. I have NO idea why, and I'm not going to question it. I'm just amazingly grateful for yet another act of generosity. Perhaps our RE wants to entice us to bring more baked treats, or maybe he's just very invested in making our story a success story. Regardless, he's getting the Brain's famous brownies this Tuesday.

Butterflies In My Basket

This Friday we go in for an ultrasound to see if I'm ready to start progesterone. If my lining is thick enough, we should expect to do the transfer on July 5th. The Brain has picked up the baby blanket she began crocheting during our last cycle. I suppose this is her way of coping with having the idea that we may be pregnant again soon. She's coping better than I am. Instead of nervous excitement, I'm scared. I'm afraid we'll have another BFN. I'm afraid that we'll have a BFP that will end in a m/c. I'm sad that IF has made this process about fear and caution rather than joy and abandon. I have to center myself, find my little zen place and stay there. Maybe it's in the pile of stuff next to the bed. I'll have to dig deep below the pillows to find it.

Being a nervous nelly,
Pinky

TMI

AF is here with vengeance, and that is an understatement. Day one was slow and I prematurely thought that maybe this cycle was going to be super light because of the D&C. By the next day, I was bleeding so heavy that I soaked through a super plus tampon in an hour. At that point, I switched to pads, because tampons make the cramping so much worse. On Saturday, day three, I visited my RE for my baseline ultrasound and he suggested I get a CBC. Usually by day three, when I sit on the little chucks, there is only a slight but of blood only after the ultrasound wand has been removed. Nope, this time I had soaked it before he even entered the room. I got up to get dressed and noticed blood on the floor. I hurried and cleaned it up and disposed of the chucks. Being a stubborn ER nurse, I refused to go to the urgent care for a CBC until I was symptomatic.... lightheaded. My hemoglobin was normal and so I went on my merry way to continue soaking through one pad every three hours. Here we are on day four, and now in addition to all the blood, there are huge clots. JOY!! I've used up the package of pads and bought overnights in hopes that will cut down on the frequency. All this is way to much information, but I'm just overwhelmed by the amount of blood pouring out of my body. My periods usually last 5 days, and today is the end of day 4. I see no signs of this easing up. It's making it very difficult to enjoy that fact that we've begun our cycle for FET #2. Yes, my first injection was yesterday! 

Off to bleed some more...

Pinky

Lunchtime First

I met a woman about the same age as me through the Resolve message boards. I was so excited to friend her on the boards when I saw how close to me she lived. Although I thought maybe we could become friends, I didn't suggest it for fear that she would not want to break the anonymity of the the message boards format. To my great surprise, she asked me if I would like to join her and her friend for lunch. Although I was nervous about meeting a complete stranger off the internet, I accepted. The three of us met on Thursday for lunch. We dove straight into our IF and respectfully leapt over personal boundaries. Our experiences with IF were all different yet we had so much in common. In fact, we have all seen the same RE. We talked about our spouses, our mother in laws, our sister in laws, our furbabies, our jobs, our neurotic fertility diets, God, religion, sex, baking and more until suddenly three hours had passed. I left with such joy in my heart to have been able to meet personally with two IF sisters. I am so thankful to the two of them for allowing me to join them, and for sharing their stories with me. I look forward to our next lunch.

Looking forward to more Panera,

Pinky

Oops, False Alarm

I was offered a job interview for the new position in my hospital. Since I wear scrubs most of the time, I only own two professional outfits, and I wanted to look sharp. So, off to the mall I went for a day of taking care of errands I'd been avoiding since I dislike the mall so much. I had tried on bunches of white skirts and pants because everyone wears black, and I like to stand out. For my grad school interview, I wore celadon. I found nothing, and decided to head over to Nordstroms, where customer service still means something. I felt a gush, and then another. Slowly I sauntered over to the restroom. I looked down, and audibly let out a "shit!" I was bleeding through my tiny thong and jeans. I rushed home to clean up and thank God for not letting that happen 20 minutes earlier while I was trying on the white suites. What would I have done? Ball up the pants in a corner and run? Ball them up and take the tags to the counter and try and pay for the mess asap? Oh well, why worry about something you don't have to deal with? What I did need to worry about was if the Brain and I were ready to move on with a cycle. We deiced time is not our friend. Time won't make us worry any less about getting a BFN, or a BFP that turns out to be a chemical, or a BFP that ends in a m/c or D&C. We're just going to worry, so we might as well worry now. We called the RE and left a message. The next day when the coordinator called us back, I let her know that I had stopped bleeding. She gave me her cell phone number and told me to call her if I started up again. I went on with my weekend, planting vines and roses in the front of my condo. And then suddenly, gush...there it was again. I called the coordinator back and through the noise of a carnival set up a baseline ultrasound. By the time I got to the office the next day, the bleeding had stopped...again. I informed the RE and he reassured me we'd know what was happening in a minute. So, there we were, me on the table with my feet in stirrups again, thinking about how my nail polished is chipped on my toe, and that I should either wear socks next time or get a pedicure. He announces that this is not my period, I have no cysts, and it is an anovulatory cycle. My lining, which should be thin by now, is very thick and it is just break through bleeding. He hands me a prescription for provera and esterase and shakes my hand, "see you in a couple of weeks." I suppose this works out well. I won't be juggling injections, hormones and appointments the day of my interview. And I won't be bleeding through my white pants.

Stuck behind the starting gates....Pinky

Doctors

I had three doctor's appointments yesterday, and am proud to say none of them were with my RE. I like to schedule them all in one day so that I can just get them out of the way. It's so sad that at 31, I cluster my appointments like a little old lady would so that she could still make it to mahjong with the other purple haired grannies on Friday.

My first appointment was with my primary. I've been getting auras ever since my first IVF cycle. The last time I actually had the headache after, but usually it's just the aura. He put me on a medication that should help, but isn't safe for pregnancy. That's fine, because when I'm on all the hormones, I don't get the aura.

Then, I moved on to my appointment with my OB.  It hit me hard how different an OB and a RE are. I handed him my lab results because when I get pregnant, I wanted him to be my OB. Now, I'm rethinking it. I had to explain what MTHFR is, what the treatments are and what the future implications are. He even asked me about the cost of IVF and FET. I really like this OB, he is very supportive, kind, patient, and he complimented me on my strength and dedication trying to get pregnant. But, is this OB going to be qualified to make sure that I get the right meds and treatment during a pregnancy? It's something I'll defiantly ask when the time comes.

Lastly, I had my eyes checked and purchased sunglasses, prescription sunglasses, contacts and new lenses for the frames I already have and love. I got a pair of designer sunglasses, because damn it, I deserve it. But, parting with the money was a little difficult. In fact, I put back the pair of Tiffany's sunglasses because I couldn't justify spending the money on them. Funny how I'm willing to drop thousands of dollars on IF, but several hundred on my eyes seems like too much.

Now, to enjoy the time without doctor's appointments,
Pinky

The Infamous Facebook

The idea of a personal life, and privacy is somewhat antiquated by today's standards. People post every little thought and event on twitter and facebook. Now that everyone has a cell phone, photos of the mundane, the embarrassing, and the miraculous are captured and shared almost instantly. I've seen posts about vacuum cleaners, landscaping, car accidents, new jobs, food critiques, vacation plans, paranoid ramblings, being sick, birthdays, births, deaths, weddings, parties, getting drunk, getting laid, being board, having fun, having fun while on a date etc. I've seen photos of babies, children, cars, dinner, drunken escapades, pregnancy tests, ultrasounds, animals, houses, bathtubs etc. You get the point. Board stay at home mothers can post 10 times a day photos of their children and every thought that passes through their heads. Pregnant friends posts weekly updates explaining the development of their fetus. If they can be open about pregnancy, family, and their love for tapioca pudding, than why must I keep quiet about IF?

Over the years I have posted little things about my IF. Mostly things that hint at it, but do not outright say "I'm infertile" or "I'm in the middle of a cycle of IVF" or "I just found out this pregnancy isn't viable" Instead I've posted about my butt being sore, or not being able to stop crying. In the beginning, I remember posting about how expensive sperm was. Truthfully, I'm a little done with the silence. I'm not ashamed about anything we've done or are doing. I'm not embarrassed of IF. But I feel like society tells me to be hushed, that it's not something people want to hear about, or be burdened with. And today, I've decided I've had enough. People on my message board talk about coming out IF. My thought on that, if I  live my life out of the closet in a society that still discriminates against gays, then why not be open and "out" about IF?

So today I posted "For many of my friends, happy and exciting news is finding out they are pregnant, finding out if it's a boy or girl, and having their baby. For me, exciting happy news is finding out I have MTHFR with two copies of the gene C677T, which may explain why it's been two years of trying, with one chemical pregnancy, and one miscarriage. So for this blessing, I give thanks." 

Feeling sassy today,

Pinky