Recent Negativity From Others: A Rant

I don't need unsolicited doses of reality. Really, I can reality check myself just fine on my own. I spent the first eight weeks of this pregnancy being realistic. Fearing the worst every time I went to the bathroom and saw the blood pouring out of me. Barely able to walk from the car to my RE's office for an ultrasound because my heart was beating so hard, and my knees were buckling under the weight of my own worry. And then this peaceful calm set in once I graduated. I actually started to enjoy my pregnancy. While I still have a nightly conversation with my baby, and then pray to God before falling to sleep, I also rub my growing little belly, stare in the mirror with a smile on my face as I turn from side to side taking in my changing profile, laugh at how veiny my breast have become, take some pleasure in how well my breasts fill up my bra and look better in a shirt... My appetite has mostly come back, and I'm learning to pig out within the constraints of my many food aversions. I still throw up now and then, or feel nauseated, and it's a little reminder that I'm still in my first trimester. The word has gotten out that I'm pregnant and my friends and coworkers who have been with my on this journey from the beginning are overjoyed, have cried, hugged me, kissed me, and are already planning my baby shower in their heads.

So then why does this one new coworker of mine have to rain on my parade? She asked me how far along I was. I told her "12 weeks today". I then told her I have my NT scan the day before and everything looked good, and that it had been exciting to see the baby again. She makes that "humph" noise that negative Nancys like to make. "Well" she starts, "it's good not to be 100% because it's still early." Me, trying to keep my jaw from dropping, thinking a lot of things that I chose not to say. Things like, "Bitch, I don't need you of all people to remind me that something can still go wrong. I'm more than aware of the possibility of loss." Or..."Who the fuck do you think you are to say something like that to me? Do you tell ALL pregnant women that they could miscarry, or just the ones who have spent over three years and every cent of their savings trying to get pregnant?" And, "What do you think is going through my head every time I go to the bathroom and see the dark brown blood on my panty liner? Would you like to join me in the restroom to witness me tell my baby to stay with me each time I feel like I've been leaking blood?"

Or then, the other coworker who still believes in "boy's toys" and "girl's toys" and who believes men should never cry, and who got knocked up in high school. She called me and another nurse "crazy" and a "freaks" because we have dopplers at home. And then told us that we're the type of people who something bad will happen to because we buy things like dopplers. This nurse, who has two beautiful children and just had her first miscarriage, had brain surgery DURING her first pregnancy, and bought the doppler for reassurance. And then, you know my story of loss and IF. My doppler is there for when I feel anxious, and gives me reassurance, or when I just want to enjoy hearing my baby's heartbeat. I don't spend all day worrying about things. Most of the time I spend relaxing and enjoying myself.

So, dear coworkers...if you don't mind, I will be avoiding talking to you about my pregnancy because I don't care to include people like you in this experience. It's my time to enjoy. I have worked hard to get here, and you were not there to see me cry everyday at work, or to help me with my injections, or to cover my patients while I ran off to vomit, or hugged me when I was scared and bleeding heavily. You didn't visit me after my D&C to make sure I was ok. This doesn't involve you. If and when I choose to involve you, you'll know. Until then, you can direct your negativity inward where it belongs.

Graduation

I knew it was coming. We had even postponed it because my FAVORITE nurse (MFN) and I refused to let it be my last appointment. I had baked my doctor's favorite red velvet cupcakes with cream cheese frosting the night before in preparation. But I was still nervous to the point that the Brain complained that I was being grumpy. I had to wait about half an hour in the ultrasound room for the doctor because he was finishing up a last minute hysteroscopy. I lamented with another nurse that those are painful and I really wish I had taken the valium they'd offered me. I understand when doctors are busy, but I was just so nervous. I'm always nervous in that room because it's where I went in hopeful last year and left broken hearted first with a baby that measured behind, and then a week later with the news it was over. But this time was different. Dr Q and MFN came in so happy (sugar high from the cupcakes I'm sure). MFN tried to kick the other nurse out of the room and playfully pushed her behind the curtain. I told her it was fine to be in there too. I love that MFN is so territorial over me. They inserted the probe and said "oh my". I thought something was wrong because my eyes were closed. I asked if there was a heartbeat. He said yes. I looked and it was a baby! I mean, it looked like a baby not a blob/gummy bear anymore. There were legs, arms, eyes, a nose. I don't think baby eggnog liked all the movement from the probe because it woke up and started moving around. We could see little legs kicking, and the whole body wiggle. They spent a lot of time just watching the baby and cooing over it. Usually they release people earlier, so they don't see such a developed baby ever. There were lots of hugs and congratulations. MFN told me she wants to be the first to know if it's a boy or girl, and that I should e-mail or text her so that the other girls in the office don't find out before her. I gave them my big brown box of supplies and meds, and my used sharps container to dispose of. I signed a paper so they should e-mail my medical records to me, thanked them, told them I would miss them and then walked out.

I have such love and appreciation for the people who work in my clinic. They have gone above and beyond my expectations to help us. They have given us free medications (we of course bought thousands of dollars worth as well), they waived fees for procedures, extended my prepaid cycles to beyond the one year limit, held my hand when I was in pain (physical and emotional), cheered me on and urged me not to give up, checked up on me when things got scary, squeezed me in last minute for emergencies, and most of all, they genuinely cared. I've been with them for two and a half years and only now are they getting on the SART website (numbers aren't published yet). I hope NOW that they have this distinction, more people will listen when I recommend them.

10 Weeks

Since my first cycle of IVF, I have had a big brown box full of syringes, needles, alcohol wipes and various medications. Before each cycle we organize it and take inventory of what we are running low on, and what extra meds we have, so we can use them up first. At the end of each cycle, we close the box, and put it in the hall closet so we can forget about it until next time. This time, it's different. This time, all my extras are going to my RE's office next Monday so they can use them for other people. It's exciting to be able to give back to them since they gave me so much. They have given me two gonal f pens, countless syringes and needles and handfuls of crinone. They also have me a box of endometrium which I never even opened. To date, all I have them back was the ganirellix, because we would never be touching that stuff again and it's expiration date was coming up. So today, instead of inserting crinone, I took the medication and placed it in my big brown box. Today is that day I never thought would happen, and frankly I'm a little nervous about. It's my first day off meds because I have reached 10 weeks.

Next Monday, God willing, will be my last ultrasound with my RE, and I will graduate to my regular OB. I've been feeling calm about things after hitting 8 weeks and seeing my growing little baby. But, the negative thoughts keep creeping in. I had light brown spotting all of last week, so I hope the hematoma is smaller. But that little negative voice in my head worried it means something else. I didn't throw up yesterday, for the first time in weeks. I was happy about it, but at the same time, that little voice wonders why my nausea was better. I still felt a little queasy on and off yesterday, but it was so mild. Especially compared to Monday when I threw up the entire day. I think part of me hasn't accepted that this is going well and is waiting and expecting something terrible to happen. I'm hoping after 12 weeks, that little part of me goes away, and I can fully enjoy this pregnancy.

Photos

Our Little Blasts...

The Transfer ie. Our Little Babies Coming Home...

7w3d...Baby On The Left & Hematoma On The Right...

8w5d...Our Baby Is Looking Like A Gummy Bear & Smaller Hematoma

Ups and Downs

I haven't been writing because there have been many ups and downs and I've spent most of my time on my back, in prayer, talking to the baby, and being frightened at work. The ups have been that we went in Monday and heard a great heartbeat again and the baby was measuring perfectly. The hematoma was still there, the same size. The downs have been that Tuesday I started having thin, brown spotting. It turned into thin red spotting Wednesday so I called off work and stayed in bed. I went to work Thursday and all was fine. Friday (today) I cleared the crinone out and it was black with coagulated blood. I knew then the bleeding hadn't stopped, just wasn't heavy. I went to work and was having a great day. Again, sitting around and talking with my coworkers, telling stories. I got up to go to the bathroom and WHAM...red blood pouring out of me. At least this time I had a panty liner. I called the Brain and then texted my nurse. I told my charge nurse I was going home and left. We'll have an ultrasound tomorrow morning. I hope the baby is OK.

Blood and Fear

Tuesday started out like any other day, more or less. My nausea had improved, but since I had had a meeting in the morning, I didn’t have a chance to eat anything other than an insure. I was still exhausted, and felt like I was wearing a weighted suite. And, of course, I had to work. Work was going well, and I had lots of time to chit chat with my coworkers about this pregnancy, my coworkers’ daughter being pregnant, and my other coworkers’ daughters pregnancy (she has a two month old now). All the information I was getting was making me feel more confident about this pregnancy. Meanwhile I started to feel wet. This isn’t anything new. I have more thin white CM now that I’m pregnant. I was ignoring it for a while and finally I decided I had to pee. I told the nurse next to me to watch my patient for a moment because I was going to run to the restroom. I sat down and immediately noticed dark brown blood had leaked all over my underwear and through to my scrub pants. I looked down and it was pouring out of me into the toilet. I actually said, “no, no, no” out loud. I didn’t know what to do. I shoved a bunch of toilet paper into my underwear and burst into tears. I walked over to my charge nurse and told him in needed to go to the ER right now, for myself. He said ok, and asked if I could call report first on my patient. I looked at my patient, looked at him, and nodded no. There was no way I could get through a report, crying and thinking about how I needed an OB. I walked past a friend who just had a miscarriage, and she asked me what was going on. I told her I was bleeding everywhere and didn’t know where to go. She told me to go to L&D. So I took the elevator up one floor , called the brain, and walked over to the nurses where I used to take pregnant patients for the last 5 years. My interactions with these nurses haven’t always been the best, so I wasn’t sure what to expect. All I could get out was, “I work in PACU, I’m pregnant, I just started bleeding.” One of the nurses took my badge so she could check me in, rather than having me walk over to the window to wait and register. A resident asked me a couple questions and walked me over to a table where she could examine me. Another nurse gave me a gown and put chucks down. They tried to do an abdominal ultrasound, and of course couldn’t. They did a vaginal ultrasound and I was sure they would find an empty uterus. Instead there it was, one little sac with a little heartbeat, beating at a rate of 95. They said it was slow but there. She checked my cervix and said it was closed. They asked me about my medical history, drew my blood, and triaged me. All the stuff they would normally do before the exam. This is when it helps to work at a hospital…there are a couple of benefits here…access to quick medical care when you’re having an emergency. These nurse were so kind to me and I really appreciated it. The doctor even exchanged my scrubs so that I wouldn’t have to put on my bloody scrubs. My coworker came up to check on me, and soon after the Brain and our friend who drove her there showed up. We waited on my unit for my blood results to see if I needed a rhogam shot. I used that time to text message my nurse who contacted my RE. The Brain took me home and put me to bed. It was the worst night. I felt so helpless. I was afraid every time I had to pee. I made her go with me into the bathroom. I made her site there with me while I put in the extra crinone. She tried to get me to hydrate, but I kept throwing everything up. I felt like the night would never end. I just wanted it to be Wednesday at 1pm so that I could be in my RE’s office getting another ultrasound. Wednesday afternoon finally came and I was so relieved to see my nurse and RE. I handed him the copy of my ultrasound and described what had happened. He checked me with the ultrasound and said I measured exactly 6 weeks, which is where they have me in their records. Then they focused on the heartbeat. It was so clear and loud and I finally cried some happy tears. Stupid us, we didn’t even ask what the rate was. We were all just so thrilled to hear such a reassuring heartbeat. Then he moves on and says I have a large subchorionic hemorrhage. He thinks there was a second pregnancy there and now I have that pocket of blood. Hopefully my body reabsorbs it. I know I may bleed again though and that frightens me. In the meantime, I’m using crinone twice a day now, and have started using two estrogen patches. I’m off work the rest of the week and am staying in bed except to go to the restroom. I’m trying not to worry too much about missing work, but I’m so new on the unit that it’s hard not to. I’m trying to hydrate as much as I can. Thankfully he gave me a prescription for zofran for my nausea because I told him I wasn’t holding much down and had lost 5 pounds. The Brain has been taking care of me, and even missed school yesterday…a week before finals. We’re thanking God there is a baby in there, and asking that it stay in there until it’s able to come out screaming and crying. We’ll go back for another ultrasound on Monday. Right now, we’re taking things one day at a time.

Nightmares

I slept so poorly last night. Between getting up to pee and these terrible nightmares, I woke up tired again. I was having dreams about low heart rates and the IVF not working, and being out of options. I think that my brain is interpreting the bit of anxiety I have in the back of my head. Last time my baby stopped growing at 5w6d. Today I am 5w4d and am approaching that time when I suddenly knew something was wrong but wouldn't know what it was until my ultrasound. This 2ww is almost worse than the first 2ww. I so desperately want to see if we're having one or two babies and I want to hear heartbeats. I want to be reassured that everything is OK. I was trying to keep this pregnancy to myself, but everyone at work is so invested that they wanted updates, so basically everyone knows. I hope their positive thoughts and prayers carry me through this. I think I let the cat out of the bag because I feel so positively that this is it. Maybe that's why these dreams are so disturbing. Also, I have done some things that I wasn't going to do, like look at baby names, and nursery bedding...things that you do when you're pregnant, and things that I have done before. I don't have a past positive experience to drawn on, so everything I've ever done is linked with something negative. I hope and pray it's different this time.