November 26, 2011

In another reality, on a different time line, in a parallel universe, in my dreams...this would be the day we would be welcoming our little baby boy into the world. We would be in the hospital counting his little toes, and fingers, running our fingers over his soft skin, kissing his face, smelling that sweet spot on the top of his head. I'd be gazing into his eyes, wondering what color they would end up. The Brain and I would be holding each other, crying happy tears, feeling complete, whole. We would have a beautiful nursery, decorated in a nature theme, with a tree on the wall I made from last year's wallpaper catalogues, a birdhouse light, a mobile with birds and a nursing chair where I'd sit for hours softly singing songs to my son. All the boxes of junk in that room would have been a distant memory sitting for sale at the local Salvation Army. The door would be open instead of closed shut as if to block out the reminder of an unfulfilled dream. We'd be planning a bris at my parent's house. There would be four beaming grandparents, well, maybe just three beaming, and one making semi inappropriate and borderline homophobic comments. The rainbow blanket the Brain had finished crocheting would be folded over the crib, waiting to swaddle our baby instead of laying in a pile on the floor by the bed, partially completed, and half forgotten. This is the day our dream would have come true.

Instead it's just another day, another reminder of what I don't have, of what I've been through, about how my body has failed me. It's a day of regret, or what ifs. What if I had refused to push the gurney's with the patients in them? What if I had not allowed myself to get mad and stressed at work? What if I had continued my medications against the doctor's suggestion and seen if the pregnancy could have been viable anyway?What if I worked days instead of nights? What if I never touched alcohol? What if I didn't have cats? What if I was a better Jew, had a blind faith in God, prayed daily? What if I were a better person? What if I hadn't done drugs when I was younger?

But....I'm going to try and stay positive. Remember what I do have and not just what I have lost. It will be my personal Thanksgiving Day. I'm thankful for a supportive, loving wife who once wrote me a list of 50 reasons why she loves me because I was having a bad day. I'm glad that my health (other than my reproductive health) is good. I'm grateful that I have a job that although drives me crazy and some days I hate, I also love because I have the chance to help those who really need my help, and because I work with some of the best nurses out there. As I look into the wet blinky eyes of my precious Bessie who want me to throw her greenie toy, I'm reminded of all the love I receive and give to my six furbabies. I'm grateful for my parents who dive me crazy and I don't understand in the least, because at least I have parents who love and support me in their own quirky way.

Conflicted...sad and grateful...
Pinky

Letter To AF

Dear AF,

Thank you for visiting, it's been a long time. 112 days in fact, since we've hung out. I missed you all this time, but enjoyed our time away from each other. I hope you don't feel the need to make up for lost time, although I know that in reality, that's you're style. You're timing of this visit is nearly perfect, showing up the day after the Brain's birthday. The only day that would have been better would have been January 1, 2012. You may not have received our message, but the Brain and I agreed not to move forward with another round of IVF until after the new year sine working IVF in around the holidays is not something we would like to experience. I have two packages of partially used BCPs, so if you don't mind, I'm taking those so that we can meet again when we're ready to do IVF again. So, until then, I'm going to pop a few more motrin because you're literally a pain, and we'll see each other again soon.

Sincerely,

Pinky 

Happy Birthday to the Brain!

My wife is turning 30 today! She has been my rock, the person I can lean on for support, who helps me find strength when my knees buckle under the weight of the world, the one who reminds me there is so much good to live for, who is my shoulder to cry on, who is my opposite just enough to balance me out, she's studious, silly, serious, loving, caring, nurturing, my best friend, and my partner in life.

Sister In Law

A few weeks ago, The Brain sent her sister an e-mail asking if she would consider carrying a child for us. I was hoping for at least some sort of acknowledgment that would let us know that she had at least read the e-mail, but we never received one. She finally asked her mom her sister had mentioned receiving the e-mail. Then, yesterday she wrote us to tell us that she had not been ignoring the letter, but that she is taking time to think about it. That is more than I expected her to actually do. I figured she would just say no. I still think that ultimately that is the decision she'll make, but at least I know that she's taking time to really consider what we have asked. I only hope she gives us the opportunity to answer some questions and discuss it with her before making a final decision. Among other things, I want her to know that she'll receive financial support, and we'll pay for any counseling that she'll need. For now, I'm just going to be happy with knowing she's not making any quick decisions.

I Am A Phoenix

I spent the evening having great conversation and finishing getting my Phoenix tattoo. Thanks to Craig at Another Twilight Fantasy. I still have one session to go for final touch ups but for the most part it's complete. I may not be able to have a baby, but I can get an amazing tattoo that makes me happy and lasts a life time.

Same Shit Different Day

I e-mailed the nurse at my RE's office to ask if I could take provera to trigger my period so that we could do another cycle before November. I had already ordered a refill, but wanted to start a line of communication anyway. She asked why I was so insistent about cycling before November. Derrr...I purchased the two cycle plan thinking we would NEVER get that far...and we were told we would loose the second cycle if it wasn't used within a year. And...NOVEMBER, which is just around the corner is one year. Happy freaking anniversary to ME!! It will be the one year anniversary of the first time I thought I was pregnant, and will commemorate two chemical pregnancies, one unsuccessful pregnancy ending with a D&C at eight weeks, one failed IVF cycle. In January, it will be out three year anniversary of trying to start a family. Wow, side tracked.... The nurse gets back to me and says she has discussed this with the woman who takes care of the finances and they have decided that they will allow me to do the second cycle whenever it's a good time for me. They don't want me to feel rushed, or do it before I'm ready. Seriously? I'm always ready, and just as much so not ready. I long for success but fear another disappointment. Isn't the definition of insanity doing the same thing over and over and expecting different results? What makes doing this any different? I feel like a psychological experiment, putting my hand in for a treat and getting a shock instead. I tried to sign up for the foster/adoption orientation for October 22nd, but didn't have the day off. I requested the time off and they didn't get back to me. So, I call and take my name off the list and told them I'd call back to put my name back on the list if I got the time. OK, no problem they said....failing to mention that the classes fill up regularly and that I should just wait and see. So, I finally get the day off and I call. Now, I have to wait until January. Great, now I have an extra Saturday off this month. Maybe I'll spend it at Disneyland.

After an infuriatingly sleepless day, I went to work with bloodshot eyes, no dinner, this terrible persistent cough which often triggers vomiting, and a chip on my shoulder. I get to work, get report, and then get the best news ever. Please read that with a hint of sarcasm. This nurse who I had trained for a short while back in March and April when I was pregnant just found out she's having a boy. A boy?? I didn't even know she was pregnant. Yes, she's four months along and her last doctor just thought she had a cyst, but the last check up showed a fully formed little baby boy. She's SO happy because she was worried that she'd have trouble because everyone around her is having trouble with infertility. REALLY??? Because infertility is contagious?? If only...then I'd take some antibiotics and have a freaking baby already. Or, better yet, maybe fertility is contageous as I hear it's spread in the water. Maybe I should hydrate more. 

And now, my chest hurts from coughing, my benadryl might kick in soon, I have to sleep before work tonight (it's my Friday) and then Tuesday I get to relax into the tattoo chair again to complete my Phoenix. Upon completion I'll post a picture. Until then, just know it's awesome and makes me feel a little bad ass. Which is a nice change of pace because pissed off and depressed is really getting rather old.  

Rosh Hashana Dinner

Sometimes being the one infertile childless person is actually a good thing. I was at my brother's house this past week visiting. They have two boys, a 4 year old and a 1.5 year old. Both are quite a handful, the older one especially. I love them both, but they require constant attention, mostly because they are given constant attention. I won't go into all that. It was Rosh Hashana and we were having dinner with their neighbors who have two children around the same age. Here we were five adults and four children. The children were all screaming and yelling, running around, being picky eaters, throwing shoes, toys, fighting over dolls etc. Parents were in all directions as their beer warmed up, and their food cooled down. But not me! I sat at the head of the table, eating my dinner and sipping at my beer because NONE of the chaos was my responsibility. It was the first time I felt like I was the lucky one for once.