Sunday, March 17, 2013
Final Post
As far as I can tell, this will be my final blog post. I don't expect I'll start a new one, but that could change. I began this blog as a creative outlet to help me with my frustrations, to share my experience with others, and become part of the blogosphere. I'm not sure if it fully served it's purpose. It was more like an online journal, which was good to a point. I don't have a following, and don't know if my experiences have helped anyone else. If nobody is reading, then I might as well just write in my journal. I barely have time for that. I want to fully experience every moment of motherhood, with undivided attention or distraction. So, with this, I will say goodbye.
Sunday, December 9, 2012
My Little Mister
Welcome to the world little mister. My heart belongs to you. Thank you for making me a mommy 12-4-12.
Monday, November 26, 2012
Little Mister's Nature Themed Nursery
Since I'm on bed rest, and the Brain has been so busy keeping the house maintained, and going to school, I was worrying a lot about the nursery. I wanted nothing more than to go into the nursery and organize the boxes and bags of nursery items piled up. It's been very difficult ignoring the urge to nest. So, Friday we went into the nursery and I reclined in the nursery chair while the Brain put the bedding onto the crib, and put some things away into drawers. The next morning two of my best friends came over and again I was in my chair. The Brain and my friends organized the nursery, put up the decals and picture I'd purchased. The Brain hung a hook into the ceiling and then hung the bird mobile I'd made. It took about an hour to put together a way of hanging the birdhouse I painted from a branch on the wall. They helped to find a sheer curtain and rod and hung them. We put our baby pictures on the top shelf with some of our childhood stuffed animals. I'm so excited about the nursery, and feel so much more prepared for little mister to come. Which is really good, because I'm due in 30 days!
Here are several photos of the nursery. You can't see all the animals we have up, but it gives a pretty good sense of what we've put together.
Here are several photos of the nursery. You can't see all the animals we have up, but it gives a pretty good sense of what we've put together.
Wednesday, November 14, 2012
Falling at 33w 6d
Today I'm 34 weeks and ecstatic! We've made it to the goal we were given by the NICU doctor. He and the antipartum nurse told us about this magic number. At 34 weeks there are less complications with the lungs and brains. There is less chance of brain bleeds occurring after 34 weeks. I'd been feeling especially optimistic since our OB appointment on Monday. My doctor checked my cervix, and it was CLOSED!! How it went from 2 cm to closed is beyond me, but I'll take it! I was feeling even more relaxed because he was submitting a request to have me go into the perinatal center for biweekly NST with AFI.
Then came yesterday. I ventured outside to quickly take the dogs out, something I have only done a couple of times. Some guy the condo association apparently hired to do some work on the wood below the roof came around the corner. Of course he starts freaking out because an 80 pound dog and a 9 pound dog came running up on him barking. Why should he know they bark a lot, but are the biggest lovers ever. So I take off after them without thinking. That didn't work very well. I just couldn't keep my balance and I kept trying to regain it. Finally I went down slowly onto my hands and wrists and then rolled like a log. I was able to keep my arms out around my belly to protect it, and rolled on my arms instead. The man looked at me and asked if I was ok once he saw me sit up and my big belly stick out. He then told me my dogs were nice and asked me the big one's name. I told him and then asked if I could help him with anything. He told me what he was there to do. He stayed in the same place the whole time, and never even came over to help me up to my feet. Seriously? You see a pregnant woman fall and you don't even try and help her? I struggled to my feet, grabbed the little dog and went inside.
The OB had me come in 2 hours after the fall, and the nurse practitioner ordered a formal STAT ultrasound. This STAT ultrasound happened 7 hours after I fell. I felt the baby moving often, didn't have any bleeding, leaking, or cramping. His heart rate was normal. So I was able to remain calm the whole day. I had joked with the Brain while I was admitted to the hospital last month that if the baby came at 34 weeks that he would be her birthday present. But yesterday, I was thinking since it really was her birthday that I better not have hurt him, because I really didn't want him to be her birthday present. In any case, little mister is doing just fine, and his little home is undamaged. He's bouncing around this morning like normal. I'm in bed with NO plans of letting the dogs out again until after the baby is born.
Then came yesterday. I ventured outside to quickly take the dogs out, something I have only done a couple of times. Some guy the condo association apparently hired to do some work on the wood below the roof came around the corner. Of course he starts freaking out because an 80 pound dog and a 9 pound dog came running up on him barking. Why should he know they bark a lot, but are the biggest lovers ever. So I take off after them without thinking. That didn't work very well. I just couldn't keep my balance and I kept trying to regain it. Finally I went down slowly onto my hands and wrists and then rolled like a log. I was able to keep my arms out around my belly to protect it, and rolled on my arms instead. The man looked at me and asked if I was ok once he saw me sit up and my big belly stick out. He then told me my dogs were nice and asked me the big one's name. I told him and then asked if I could help him with anything. He told me what he was there to do. He stayed in the same place the whole time, and never even came over to help me up to my feet. Seriously? You see a pregnant woman fall and you don't even try and help her? I struggled to my feet, grabbed the little dog and went inside.
The OB had me come in 2 hours after the fall, and the nurse practitioner ordered a formal STAT ultrasound. This STAT ultrasound happened 7 hours after I fell. I felt the baby moving often, didn't have any bleeding, leaking, or cramping. His heart rate was normal. So I was able to remain calm the whole day. I had joked with the Brain while I was admitted to the hospital last month that if the baby came at 34 weeks that he would be her birthday present. But yesterday, I was thinking since it really was her birthday that I better not have hurt him, because I really didn't want him to be her birthday present. In any case, little mister is doing just fine, and his little home is undamaged. He's bouncing around this morning like normal. I'm in bed with NO plans of letting the dogs out again until after the baby is born.
Thursday, November 8, 2012
Fur Babies, Our Baby & Tempers
The fur babies came home to us last night after staying at my parent's house since I was admitted to the hospital. They had all the dogs, but we brought the big scary 80 pound dog home a while back so that I had a little protection while alone. The girls love being at grandma and grandpa's house because they have a yard and get played with more. They snuggle with my mom in her bed in the mornings after my dad wakes up, lets them out and feeds them. It's actually his way of trying to get my mom out of bed, but it never works. The last time they spent the weekend with my parents they tried to run back to the front door while we were getting them into the car. And when they came home last night, they didn't even "say hi" to us like we'd expected.
But we had to bring them home. Tuesday my mother tells me that Monday my dad had completely lost it. He was screaming, yelling and banging things around. She was afraid enough that she considered grabbing the girls and heading to my house. Tessa had been whining during his rage and it was irritating him more so he put them in the kennel. That part seems fine. I've done the same thing when I'm upset about something and they are in my face and interfering with my ability to just calm down. But the part of my mom's story that scared me was that (per my mom) he stood there yelling at them "the world doesn't revolve around you!" and then she was afraid he might throw one across the room. Since he's been yelling at my mom a lot recently, angry all the time, and a little unpredictable, we decided for safety reasons to have the girls return home.
It just reminded me of my childhood too much, and how I don't want my baby's childhood to be. And, while my dad never hit me (beyond being spanked when I was young until I laughed at him for doing it) my parents have left some deep emotional scars. And I know that he was yelling at the dogs, but I immediately thought about the possibility of him yelling at my son like that. What was going to happen if he was babysitting my son and got upset about something, and the baby started crying? Was he going to yell and scream at him? If he did, it would be the last time he was alone with my son.
I'm laying here on bed rest, trying to protect my unborn baby from entering the world too early, and the thought of him being caught up in a situation like that makes me sick inside in a way I've never experiences. I have a feeling that protective instinct will be even stronger once my baby is actually here.
I'm trying to get my mom to talk to my dad about his temper and the deep seeded fear behind it. My dad needs help. Professional help, therapy. He's gone a few times and then decides he's said everything he wanted to and didn't need it anymore. Obviously this is not how it works, but my dad is pig headed and doesn't listen to anyone, and my mom is too timid to push the issue. Which is where we are now. She doesn't want to talk to him about his anger because she's afraid of making him angry. I'll talk to him, but I'm trying to avoid stress right now, and this situation isn't helping reduce my contractions (I've been having them all week). My brother is willing to talk to my dad about it even though he lived in Maryland. All I know is that it needs to be resolved and I feel stuck in the middle. My mom had a great opportunity to tell my dad why the dogs were coming home after he told her he was crushed to see them leaving, and she didn't take it.
This really sucks!
But we had to bring them home. Tuesday my mother tells me that Monday my dad had completely lost it. He was screaming, yelling and banging things around. She was afraid enough that she considered grabbing the girls and heading to my house. Tessa had been whining during his rage and it was irritating him more so he put them in the kennel. That part seems fine. I've done the same thing when I'm upset about something and they are in my face and interfering with my ability to just calm down. But the part of my mom's story that scared me was that (per my mom) he stood there yelling at them "the world doesn't revolve around you!" and then she was afraid he might throw one across the room. Since he's been yelling at my mom a lot recently, angry all the time, and a little unpredictable, we decided for safety reasons to have the girls return home.
It just reminded me of my childhood too much, and how I don't want my baby's childhood to be. And, while my dad never hit me (beyond being spanked when I was young until I laughed at him for doing it) my parents have left some deep emotional scars. And I know that he was yelling at the dogs, but I immediately thought about the possibility of him yelling at my son like that. What was going to happen if he was babysitting my son and got upset about something, and the baby started crying? Was he going to yell and scream at him? If he did, it would be the last time he was alone with my son.
I'm laying here on bed rest, trying to protect my unborn baby from entering the world too early, and the thought of him being caught up in a situation like that makes me sick inside in a way I've never experiences. I have a feeling that protective instinct will be even stronger once my baby is actually here.
I'm trying to get my mom to talk to my dad about his temper and the deep seeded fear behind it. My dad needs help. Professional help, therapy. He's gone a few times and then decides he's said everything he wanted to and didn't need it anymore. Obviously this is not how it works, but my dad is pig headed and doesn't listen to anyone, and my mom is too timid to push the issue. Which is where we are now. She doesn't want to talk to him about his anger because she's afraid of making him angry. I'll talk to him, but I'm trying to avoid stress right now, and this situation isn't helping reduce my contractions (I've been having them all week). My brother is willing to talk to my dad about it even though he lived in Maryland. All I know is that it needs to be resolved and I feel stuck in the middle. My mom had a great opportunity to tell my dad why the dogs were coming home after he told her he was crushed to see them leaving, and she didn't take it.
This really sucks!
Sunday, November 4, 2012
Dreams
This began many months ago when a coworker said that anything you see in a dream while your pregnant about your baby will come true. While I'm educated enough to understand this is totally absurd, the part of my brain saturated with pregnancy hormones totally fell for it. I've been fighting the hormonal part of my brain with logic, which doesn't work very well because you can't reason with hormones. This was made worse by a dream a few months back where I was visiting my baby in the NICU. Even though he was hooked up to all sorts of machines, I felt a sense of optimism and knew he was going to be okay. But, even in this dream I didn't SEE him. It continued to bother me that I was never seeing him as an infant. I've had dreams of interacting with older children who somehow I knew were my children. I would wake up wondering if these were adopted kids. My mind would wander into dark places, led there by the PTSD left behind by IF. Our original goal was to have a baby. Then it became to get pregnant. Then it became to get pregnant and stay pregnant. And then when all that happened it transitioned into having a healthy baby, but the staying pregnant part was always in the forefront. Hormonal me became terrified that if I didn't have a dream about holding my baby boy, that it was because I would never hold him alive. And thus, I'm afraid that he won't come into this world healthy, screaming, pink...alive.
Then last night I dreamed that I was looking into the bathroom mirror at my big pregnant belly. I kept sucking it in so that it looked flat and little like before the pregnancy. It would be completely gone, and then I'd let it out and there it was again, big and round. Earlier in the week I also dreamed I was pregnant and was refusing to put myself in danger because of it. This morning I realized that those were the first times I had dreams about being pregnant, and saw my belly. I never had a dream before getting pregnant about being pregnant, and it's taken until 32 weeks to see my belly in a dream. Though the lack of dreams, I'm still pregnant with a healthy baby boy.
The logical side took over, and the hormonal side has more or less agreed that if I was able to get this far without having a dream that incorporated my pregnant belly, that I can also have a healthy, living baby without dreaming about it first. I'm really hoping this logical side remains dominant, because I want to fantasize about life here with my baby instead of worrying that I'll come home empty handed. And of course, in the end, I just want to come home with my little mister in my arms, happy and healthy.
Then last night I dreamed that I was looking into the bathroom mirror at my big pregnant belly. I kept sucking it in so that it looked flat and little like before the pregnancy. It would be completely gone, and then I'd let it out and there it was again, big and round. Earlier in the week I also dreamed I was pregnant and was refusing to put myself in danger because of it. This morning I realized that those were the first times I had dreams about being pregnant, and saw my belly. I never had a dream before getting pregnant about being pregnant, and it's taken until 32 weeks to see my belly in a dream. Though the lack of dreams, I'm still pregnant with a healthy baby boy.
The logical side took over, and the hormonal side has more or less agreed that if I was able to get this far without having a dream that incorporated my pregnant belly, that I can also have a healthy, living baby without dreaming about it first. I'm really hoping this logical side remains dominant, because I want to fantasize about life here with my baby instead of worrying that I'll come home empty handed. And of course, in the end, I just want to come home with my little mister in my arms, happy and healthy.
Thursday, October 25, 2012
31w1d
Tuesday late afternoon I was sent home, much to my surprise. I wasn't against going home. I was just against going home without the Procardia or even a minute of my OB's time. I had waited all day for the perinatologist to consult and ended up never seeing him. He came, looked at my chart and then spoke to my OB. My OB decided to discharge me and went on with his day. I felt ripped off. What about all my questions and concerns? What about the conversation we're supposed to have so that I can be an active part of my treatment? They took those away from me without even giving a thought to how I would feel. It made me think of all the times doctors have handed me admission orders without even so much as glancing beyond the chart to the patient. I always tried my hardest to get them to enter the patient room, forget about numbers, and pay attention to the patient. And now, here I was, on the other end of things...the patient and not the nurse.
The Brain took me home slowly in the car and set me up in bed. I kept track of my contractions until going to sleep. And then when I woke up the next morning, I kept track of my contractions some more. And today, that's what I'm doing again. Very relaxing, and not stressful in the least. The more distracted I am, the better. I was very upset today and I just wanted the Brain to get away from me so that I could relax and slow the contractions. But, she is infuriatingly persistent sometimes in her desire to talk about things when sometimes I just need to be left alone to process my thoughts and feelings.
It's not easy feeling like a burden and the cause of stress to everyone. I'm trying to still enjoy my pregnancy, which is not easy considering that it's become a very physically difficult pregnancy. I'm trying not to ask much of anyone, especially the Brain so that she can focus on school. The moment we were back from the hospital she started to stress about me being home, needing to get me food, medicating the cats, cleaning the litter boxes, emptying the trash. I tried to get her to go to school while we were in the hospital and even had her attend lecture through Skype. Today she got upset because she didn't remember something from last year. That doesn't have anything to do with missing two days of school this week because it wasn't something that she missed learning. Yet, I'm the source of her stress and worry and she's working herself up to the point that I think she's going to be unable to pass. And not because she can't, but because she's dug herself into such a pit of anxiety that she's not capable of getting out of or seeing past.
So while I should be excited to have made it to 31w1 days, I'm not feeling excited at all. I'm just feeling like I'm in the way.
The Brain took me home slowly in the car and set me up in bed. I kept track of my contractions until going to sleep. And then when I woke up the next morning, I kept track of my contractions some more. And today, that's what I'm doing again. Very relaxing, and not stressful in the least. The more distracted I am, the better. I was very upset today and I just wanted the Brain to get away from me so that I could relax and slow the contractions. But, she is infuriatingly persistent sometimes in her desire to talk about things when sometimes I just need to be left alone to process my thoughts and feelings.
It's not easy feeling like a burden and the cause of stress to everyone. I'm trying to still enjoy my pregnancy, which is not easy considering that it's become a very physically difficult pregnancy. I'm trying not to ask much of anyone, especially the Brain so that she can focus on school. The moment we were back from the hospital she started to stress about me being home, needing to get me food, medicating the cats, cleaning the litter boxes, emptying the trash. I tried to get her to go to school while we were in the hospital and even had her attend lecture through Skype. Today she got upset because she didn't remember something from last year. That doesn't have anything to do with missing two days of school this week because it wasn't something that she missed learning. Yet, I'm the source of her stress and worry and she's working herself up to the point that I think she's going to be unable to pass. And not because she can't, but because she's dug herself into such a pit of anxiety that she's not capable of getting out of or seeing past.
So while I should be excited to have made it to 31w1 days, I'm not feeling excited at all. I'm just feeling like I'm in the way.
Sunday, October 21, 2012
30w4d And New Complications
We went to L&D last night giggling like idiots saying that we were sure everything was fine but just wanted to get checked out, and personally feeling dumb for even coming. Who knew we'd have a BIG surprise in store for us. They saw the contractions, checked the cervix and announced it was a little dilated. Further clarification revealed "a little" meant 2 cm, which lets face it, isn't bad considering. They told me I'd be staying, would probably not be heading back to work, and would more than likely not make it full term. Last night my nurse kept telling me to take it day by day, which is something I already do. They transfered me to a new room and my poor nurse was SO busy administering medication to me though just about every rout. Yay for NO suppositories! I was privy to enjoy the flush personal summer of mag accompanied with it's dopy daze, headache and decreased respirations. I'll say this from the heart....I'll do anything to keep this little man inside me until he's further along.
I remember saying last night that this was not ok every time the Brain said it's ok. I told her no, this is NOT ok. Nothing about this is ok. This is not what is supposed to be happening. I am SCARED for my baby. Not because they did anything wrong. They didn't and are spot on as far with their treatments as far as I can tell. They answer all my questions and have been wonderful. I'm scared because although I understand the advances in modern medicine, I understand more than 95% chance of survival means 5% of mortality. And more importantly, understand that no artificial environment is nearly ask good as the one inside of me.
At this point contractions are no longer every 5 minutes. They are irregular for the most part. I'm calm, taking in the reality. Knowing we won't know what the future brings and that yes, we'll take one day at a time, one hour at a time, and one moment at a time if needed. I'll enjoy every beat of his heart I hear over the monitors and every little movement (although they can irritate the uterus). I'll continue praying our little boy makes it into this world alive and well I can't think right now about if he doesn't. It's too much and not the right state of mind for now.
I remember saying last night that this was not ok every time the Brain said it's ok. I told her no, this is NOT ok. Nothing about this is ok. This is not what is supposed to be happening. I am SCARED for my baby. Not because they did anything wrong. They didn't and are spot on as far with their treatments as far as I can tell. They answer all my questions and have been wonderful. I'm scared because although I understand the advances in modern medicine, I understand more than 95% chance of survival means 5% of mortality. And more importantly, understand that no artificial environment is nearly ask good as the one inside of me.
At this point contractions are no longer every 5 minutes. They are irregular for the most part. I'm calm, taking in the reality. Knowing we won't know what the future brings and that yes, we'll take one day at a time, one hour at a time, and one moment at a time if needed. I'll enjoy every beat of his heart I hear over the monitors and every little movement (although they can irritate the uterus). I'll continue praying our little boy makes it into this world alive and well I can't think right now about if he doesn't. It's too much and not the right state of mind for now.
Thursday, October 11, 2012
How Do People Afford A Baby?
I was totally fine with the financials of having a baby. I'd come to terms with the fact that everything we've saved for the last five years has gone towards making the baby, and therefore we didn't have any savings for the baby. It's just part of IF and there wasn't anything I could do about it. But then, I read the contract that our useless union is trying to get us to settle for. Panic set it.
Let me break it down with a touch of background. As a county nurse, you expect to bring home less money than other nurses. We work hard, sometimes I think maybe harder than in other hospitals because we have less to work with and more patients. So why work for county? Because you know that while today you're taking home less, your retirement benefits are supposed to make up for it. Yes, I'm talking about a pension. The county pays a 7% contribution to my retirement. Now, they are proposing to take that away. We voted to strike, we moved forward with paperwork, and then the county gave us another proposal. Now, the union is encouraging us not to strike. Why strike over 7%? I looked at my paycheck and loosing that 7% is essentially a 7% pay cut. I will now be responsible for paying the $420 per month instead of the county. To make this up, They will give me $350 bonus in 6 months, and another $350 bonus 6 months from then. I will get $0.25 raise in 6 months, and another $0.25 raise in one year. Over 6 months I will loose $2,520 from my take home pay. They give me $350 in 6 months and that reduces it to $2,170. At that point I get my raise, which adds up to $20 more per pay period. In 6 months that raise only nets me $240. These raises and bonuses are designed to make up for our losses. Now, I'm not very good with math, but it seems to me that I'll still be loosing out on a lot of my take home pay.
This comes at a time when a new baby is going to be added to my family. This amazing miracle will add cost to our living expenses. I don't yet know how much since he's not here yet. There will be the diaper service ($20 per month more than disposable CostCo brand), his health insurance, childcare (an in home nanny for 25 hours per week), clothing, toiletries, and a million other things I don't yet know that I'll need.
So what about the Brain? Why can't she work? Well, because she's in school studying very diligently, and following her dream to become a veterinarian. It is 100% unfair to ask her to work knowing how much time she spends studying or in class. She barely has time for me. If she works, she won't see me or the baby, and then will be freaking out about how she needs to study but doesn't have time. If she works during the summer, it won't really be cost effective. It would make more sense for her to stay home with the baby over the summer, eliminating the need for a nanny for a few months, and getting to have some quality time with our little mister.
So what about me? Well, I could get another job where I made more money, but wouldn't necessarily be happier. I know many many many people who have left to other hospitals for more money just to return to my hospital. Some leave and stay gone, but aren't happy there. They admittedly stay for the money. And, it's not that easy to get another job. There are a lot of nurses looking for jobs. It's not like you just say I want to work at hospital x in the y department and it's yours. I could work registry, and never be home to see the baby or the Brain.
All this leaves me with one question. How the heck am I supposed to afford to be a mom?
Let me break it down with a touch of background. As a county nurse, you expect to bring home less money than other nurses. We work hard, sometimes I think maybe harder than in other hospitals because we have less to work with and more patients. So why work for county? Because you know that while today you're taking home less, your retirement benefits are supposed to make up for it. Yes, I'm talking about a pension. The county pays a 7% contribution to my retirement. Now, they are proposing to take that away. We voted to strike, we moved forward with paperwork, and then the county gave us another proposal. Now, the union is encouraging us not to strike. Why strike over 7%? I looked at my paycheck and loosing that 7% is essentially a 7% pay cut. I will now be responsible for paying the $420 per month instead of the county. To make this up, They will give me $350 bonus in 6 months, and another $350 bonus 6 months from then. I will get $0.25 raise in 6 months, and another $0.25 raise in one year. Over 6 months I will loose $2,520 from my take home pay. They give me $350 in 6 months and that reduces it to $2,170. At that point I get my raise, which adds up to $20 more per pay period. In 6 months that raise only nets me $240. These raises and bonuses are designed to make up for our losses. Now, I'm not very good with math, but it seems to me that I'll still be loosing out on a lot of my take home pay.
This comes at a time when a new baby is going to be added to my family. This amazing miracle will add cost to our living expenses. I don't yet know how much since he's not here yet. There will be the diaper service ($20 per month more than disposable CostCo brand), his health insurance, childcare (an in home nanny for 25 hours per week), clothing, toiletries, and a million other things I don't yet know that I'll need.
So what about the Brain? Why can't she work? Well, because she's in school studying very diligently, and following her dream to become a veterinarian. It is 100% unfair to ask her to work knowing how much time she spends studying or in class. She barely has time for me. If she works, she won't see me or the baby, and then will be freaking out about how she needs to study but doesn't have time. If she works during the summer, it won't really be cost effective. It would make more sense for her to stay home with the baby over the summer, eliminating the need for a nanny for a few months, and getting to have some quality time with our little mister.
So what about me? Well, I could get another job where I made more money, but wouldn't necessarily be happier. I know many many many people who have left to other hospitals for more money just to return to my hospital. Some leave and stay gone, but aren't happy there. They admittedly stay for the money. And, it's not that easy to get another job. There are a lot of nurses looking for jobs. It's not like you just say I want to work at hospital x in the y department and it's yours. I could work registry, and never be home to see the baby or the Brain.
All this leaves me with one question. How the heck am I supposed to afford to be a mom?
Wednesday, October 3, 2012
28 Weeks!
It's here! I'm here! We've arrived to the third trimester! Thank you G-d for getting me here, for keeping my baby safe, for keeping my body strong. I wonder if these last 12 weeks are going to feel like they go by fast or slow?
Things I look forward to this trimester:
-My mother in law is coming to the ultrasound with me this Friday.
-We start prepared childbirth classes this Saturday.
-Our baby shower!
-Finishing the nursery.
-Seeing the OB more frequently. I like my OB and it always makes me reassured to air my worries and hear that they are all "normal".
-Breast feeding class.
-Our photo shoot at the end of this month.
-Meeting our son!
Things I look forward to this trimester:
-My mother in law is coming to the ultrasound with me this Friday.
-We start prepared childbirth classes this Saturday.
-Our baby shower!
-Finishing the nursery.
-Seeing the OB more frequently. I like my OB and it always makes me reassured to air my worries and hear that they are all "normal".
-Breast feeding class.
-Our photo shoot at the end of this month.
-Meeting our son!
Sunday, September 30, 2012
Mini Freak Out
Today I made it my goal to contact a list of potential photographers for a maternity and newborn photo sessions. Simple task, right? I'd already looked at their online portfolios and narrowed it down to a select few. I realized nobody was going to have everything I wanted. Basically, for a less expensive session I was going to expect to only walk away with a few photos because they were expensive. Those who charged more per session had less expensive photos. Each photographer had something about them that I liked. And, the one I like the most really approaches his work as art, which is something I can appreciate and am looking for. At first I was looking only for newborn sessions, but I really do want to capture this time. He does some nude maternity photos that look like they belong in a gallery. I'd like to do some of those for the Brain, because they are intimate and if there is one thing we discovered during our pregnancy, is intimacy. So, I checked that off my list and moved on.
Item two, mohels. Researching men who I have never met, who I am going to hire to perform a sacred ritual on my tiny infant son. He has to be willing to work with not only a lesbian couple, but also an interfaith one. This means that there will be people there who have never been to a bris. He has to convey how special the moment is to people who think of a circumcision as something a doctor does to remove the foreskin, when in fact, it is so much more. And yes, I have to choose the man who will take a scalpel to my baby's penis. I read one profile of a pediatrician/mohel who approaches it the same way it is done in the hospital. Local anesthetic injected into the penis and the baby is strapped down. I've witnessed this done on the second day of life and found it cold. In a bris, the baby is held on a pillow by an honored guest. It is warm and full of love. It is not a medical procedure, but a mitzvah. And with this, the freak out began.
I couldn't compose my list of questions for the mohel even though I basically just have to copy them out of The New Jewish Baby Book. It just seemed like too much. And because it seemed like too much I worried that I was putting it off. And because I was putting it off, I wasn't going to have enough time to do everything that needs to be done. And this all stems from the fact that we're running out of time. Wednesday will be the first day of my third trimester. Which means we're 2/3 there. Which means there is only three brief months left. And I still haven't folded any of the baby clothes I washed!! Do you see where I'm going here?
I decided to calm down by taking a nice relaxing shower. My little dog insisted on not leaving my side so I brought her into the bathroom to lay in there while I showered. That wasn't good enough because she insisted on sitting on the edge of the bath. But then she jumped into the shower and stood on her hind legs for uppies. This is how the Brain found me, freaking out in the shower holding my dog. She dried her off and joined me. This extended the shower time, and the water was too warm, and I was freaking out. So by this time my heart was racing and I was dizzy, but not fully showered. I finished washing up and was nauseated. I vomited all my breakfast, although I had eaten it almost three hours prior.
And this is how a to do list of two things ends with your head in the toilet.
Item two, mohels. Researching men who I have never met, who I am going to hire to perform a sacred ritual on my tiny infant son. He has to be willing to work with not only a lesbian couple, but also an interfaith one. This means that there will be people there who have never been to a bris. He has to convey how special the moment is to people who think of a circumcision as something a doctor does to remove the foreskin, when in fact, it is so much more. And yes, I have to choose the man who will take a scalpel to my baby's penis. I read one profile of a pediatrician/mohel who approaches it the same way it is done in the hospital. Local anesthetic injected into the penis and the baby is strapped down. I've witnessed this done on the second day of life and found it cold. In a bris, the baby is held on a pillow by an honored guest. It is warm and full of love. It is not a medical procedure, but a mitzvah. And with this, the freak out began.
I couldn't compose my list of questions for the mohel even though I basically just have to copy them out of The New Jewish Baby Book. It just seemed like too much. And because it seemed like too much I worried that I was putting it off. And because I was putting it off, I wasn't going to have enough time to do everything that needs to be done. And this all stems from the fact that we're running out of time. Wednesday will be the first day of my third trimester. Which means we're 2/3 there. Which means there is only three brief months left. And I still haven't folded any of the baby clothes I washed!! Do you see where I'm going here?
I decided to calm down by taking a nice relaxing shower. My little dog insisted on not leaving my side so I brought her into the bathroom to lay in there while I showered. That wasn't good enough because she insisted on sitting on the edge of the bath. But then she jumped into the shower and stood on her hind legs for uppies. This is how the Brain found me, freaking out in the shower holding my dog. She dried her off and joined me. This extended the shower time, and the water was too warm, and I was freaking out. So by this time my heart was racing and I was dizzy, but not fully showered. I finished washing up and was nauseated. I vomited all my breakfast, although I had eaten it almost three hours prior.
And this is how a to do list of two things ends with your head in the toilet.
Saturday, September 29, 2012
Reflections
The other day, one of my patients asked me what I thought about the Duggars. It was an interesting question coming from someone waking up from anesthesia. I paused, and really thought about it because my opinion has changed. I told this patient that her children are all well educated, clothed, fed, have good morals and values, are well behaved, respectful, supportive of each other and love their parents. They are not on government assistance, and have found successful ways to make money and live debt free. You can tell that they aren't putting on a show for the camera, because even the smallest of children behave, and little ones just aren't good at lying. (Just ask balloon boy's parents). The main problem I have with the Duggars is that I think Michelle Duggar's body is trying to tell her not to have children, and I'm worried that she's not listening and this will effect her mental and physical health. The last baby she gave birth was premature. If I remember correctly, she had her baby around 25 weeks due to pre-eclampsia. She then became pregnant again and miscarried. But, it wasn't long ago that I would think about the Duggars and feel nothing but jealousy and anger. I thought, how selfish that they have so many children when there are those of us who would give anything to have just one child. I despised their happy homes because it just wasn't fair. What a difference coming to terms with my own anger, and becoming pregnant has made.
Today we saw the reverend who preformed our wedding ceremony for the first time in five years. We have some infrequent contact through facebook. Mostly, we read what the other person is up to and don't comment. She's been doing amazing charity work in Nepal, elevating the status and education of women, bringing equality to the casts, and using goats as a means of women making money for themselves. Please check out this link, it really is an amazing charity. http://rstarfoundation.org/ She was surprised to see that I was pregnant, and thought she must have missed it on facebook. I informed her that I still have several friends who were struggling with infertility and was trying to be respectful of their feelings, and therefor trying not to post too much about the pregnancy. I see it all the time on the resolve boards, women who have not yet conceived complaining about people posting pregnancy announcements on facebook, talking about their pregnancy, posting belly pictures and other such pregnancy related posts. They are so hurt by these postings, and while I was still trying, I remember feeling jealous, but not personally offended. I never considered canceling my account over it, but many women do. And now that I'm the pregnant person, I understand why people post so much about it on facebook. Pregnancy is a life altering experience. It effects every part of your life from brushing your teeth to walking to the mailbox and everything in between. Even when you're not trying to think about it, you end up thinking about it because the baby will kick you in the cervix, or will kick you right where you've laid your book, sending the book bouncing. It's joyous, scary, overwhelming, awe inspiring and miraculous. How do you not share about that? It's difficult. I know because I have to try and figure out ways to be vague enough when I post. I have other friends who have asked for belly pictures and I haven't posted a single one. There are however a few photos of me that show my belly because others posted them after we hung out. But, I wonder if it's really reasonable to become so angry and hurt over pregnancy posts while you're struggling with infertility, and experiencing jealousy. I mean, we post photos of our dinners, of our pets, of the sunset, of a new outfit or a room we just decorated. We talk about new jobs, current jobs, old jobs, looking for a job, getting fired from a job. We don't cancel our facebook accounts because we're unemployed and a friend keeps going on and on about how wonderful her new job is. If friends post a picture of a drink they order at a bar, why not post a photo related to the life I'm carrying inside me? Am I denying myself an experience for fear of hurting a few people's feelings as opposed to celebrating with the majority?
It's amazing how my views have changed. And not just because my perspective has been effected by pregnancy. If you go back through my blog, I was overcoming my anger prior to pregnancy. I had come to realize jealousy and anger had no place in my life anymore. But, I'll admit, seeing the world from a different angle, the other side of the coin, in retrospect makes me stop and think about how far in this journey I've come. And for this, I am thankful.
Today we saw the reverend who preformed our wedding ceremony for the first time in five years. We have some infrequent contact through facebook. Mostly, we read what the other person is up to and don't comment. She's been doing amazing charity work in Nepal, elevating the status and education of women, bringing equality to the casts, and using goats as a means of women making money for themselves. Please check out this link, it really is an amazing charity. http://rstarfoundation.org/ She was surprised to see that I was pregnant, and thought she must have missed it on facebook. I informed her that I still have several friends who were struggling with infertility and was trying to be respectful of their feelings, and therefor trying not to post too much about the pregnancy. I see it all the time on the resolve boards, women who have not yet conceived complaining about people posting pregnancy announcements on facebook, talking about their pregnancy, posting belly pictures and other such pregnancy related posts. They are so hurt by these postings, and while I was still trying, I remember feeling jealous, but not personally offended. I never considered canceling my account over it, but many women do. And now that I'm the pregnant person, I understand why people post so much about it on facebook. Pregnancy is a life altering experience. It effects every part of your life from brushing your teeth to walking to the mailbox and everything in between. Even when you're not trying to think about it, you end up thinking about it because the baby will kick you in the cervix, or will kick you right where you've laid your book, sending the book bouncing. It's joyous, scary, overwhelming, awe inspiring and miraculous. How do you not share about that? It's difficult. I know because I have to try and figure out ways to be vague enough when I post. I have other friends who have asked for belly pictures and I haven't posted a single one. There are however a few photos of me that show my belly because others posted them after we hung out. But, I wonder if it's really reasonable to become so angry and hurt over pregnancy posts while you're struggling with infertility, and experiencing jealousy. I mean, we post photos of our dinners, of our pets, of the sunset, of a new outfit or a room we just decorated. We talk about new jobs, current jobs, old jobs, looking for a job, getting fired from a job. We don't cancel our facebook accounts because we're unemployed and a friend keeps going on and on about how wonderful her new job is. If friends post a picture of a drink they order at a bar, why not post a photo related to the life I'm carrying inside me? Am I denying myself an experience for fear of hurting a few people's feelings as opposed to celebrating with the majority?
It's amazing how my views have changed. And not just because my perspective has been effected by pregnancy. If you go back through my blog, I was overcoming my anger prior to pregnancy. I had come to realize jealousy and anger had no place in my life anymore. But, I'll admit, seeing the world from a different angle, the other side of the coin, in retrospect makes me stop and think about how far in this journey I've come. And for this, I am thankful.
Wednesday, September 26, 2012
Aches and Pains Weeks 24-27
When I got pregnant, I didn't think of all the pains that are associated with pregnancy. Morning sickness didn't surprise me. The aching uterus didn't surprise me because I knew it was now housing my baby and needed to make room. But as this pregnancy has progressed, I've experienced some things that literally take my breath away. Some things don't hurt, but worry the heck out of me. I've turned to Dr Google, which sometimes helps, but always end up with a long list of questions at my appointments. I thought I'd share some of my concerns and the PA's responses.
Sometimes it feels like the baby is scratching my abdomen or my cervix with a very sharp nail. It takes my breath away, and I fully expect to see blood when I got to the bathroom, but don't. I wouldn't be surprised if he's born with a shank.
-This is normal. Other women complain of this too. There isn't really an explanation of what causes this.
Sometime it feels like someone is scraping the inside of my vagina.
-Same answer as above.
I get frequent braxton hicks, especially when I'm super busy at work. I can't stop, drink water and lay down when I'm in the middle of hanging blood and fluids, contacting anesthesiologist and surgeons because my patient is unstable.
-It's ok to have braxton hicks. Even though the books all say to contact your doctor if you have more than 4 in an hour, it's ok as long as they aren't strong. You could have one per minute as long as they aren't strong.
Is it normal for the baby to have quieter days. Days where I don't feel him move much at all?
-As long as you feel him move 10 times in two hours than it's ok. If you don't feel him move 10 times in two hours, go to the hospital.
Sometimes it burns before I urinate, but not when I urinate or after. There is no blood in my urine.
-It is probably just the pressure of the baby on your full bladder. It's ok as long as you don't have painful urination, which would indicate a UTI.
I've been getting floaters in my vision for the last week. I took my blood pressure at work and it was normal.
-Monitor the floaters. If I have a headache with it, or high blood pressure notify the doctor.
Sometimes it feels like the baby is scratching my abdomen or my cervix with a very sharp nail. It takes my breath away, and I fully expect to see blood when I got to the bathroom, but don't. I wouldn't be surprised if he's born with a shank.
-This is normal. Other women complain of this too. There isn't really an explanation of what causes this.
Sometime it feels like someone is scraping the inside of my vagina.
-Same answer as above.
I get frequent braxton hicks, especially when I'm super busy at work. I can't stop, drink water and lay down when I'm in the middle of hanging blood and fluids, contacting anesthesiologist and surgeons because my patient is unstable.
-It's ok to have braxton hicks. Even though the books all say to contact your doctor if you have more than 4 in an hour, it's ok as long as they aren't strong. You could have one per minute as long as they aren't strong.
Is it normal for the baby to have quieter days. Days where I don't feel him move much at all?
-As long as you feel him move 10 times in two hours than it's ok. If you don't feel him move 10 times in two hours, go to the hospital.
Sometimes it burns before I urinate, but not when I urinate or after. There is no blood in my urine.
-It is probably just the pressure of the baby on your full bladder. It's ok as long as you don't have painful urination, which would indicate a UTI.
I've been getting floaters in my vision for the last week. I took my blood pressure at work and it was normal.
-Monitor the floaters. If I have a headache with it, or high blood pressure notify the doctor.
Friday, September 14, 2012
Love Taps
The aching of my hips usually wakes me up between 8:30 and 9:30 in the morning. I usually try and reposition myself to find a comfortable position so that I can continue laying down. I don't like to get up, not even to pee if I can help it because little mister wakes up and starts moving around. It's those little love taps that I enjoy the most because they are the first ones of the day. When they slow I get up for breakfast and then put my feet up on the couch. He starts kicking again and I can just sit back and enjoy it. This little morning routine that is my favorite part of the day. Later I know that I'll be at work and my back will ache, I'll be busy and it will be difficult to feel him kick, His favorite place to kick while I'm at work is in my cervix, and besides being uncomfortable, it puts a lot of pressure in a place that I'd rather not be feeling pressure. I worry about incompetent cervix, so I'd like him to lay off it as he gets bigger. I asked him to kick me higher during our nightly conversation, and the next day (yesterday) he listened and kicked me high up in my abdomen. I still use my doppler when he's having quiet days, and it's reassuring and cute. He often pushes the doppler away or turns away from it. Back to my morning routine!
Sunday, September 2, 2012
Riding the Hormonal Roller Coaster
It happened somewhere after 20 weeks. Suddenly, and without any warning, anything could make me cry. The Brain would just have to have an intonation in her voice and I'd be convinced she was mad at me and then there came the tears. It's my number one trigger these days. Last weekend when I was so upset that something might go wrong that I burst into tears because I'd realized I'd become crazy. Last night I watched the movie "A Little Bit of Heaven" and burst out into full on uncontrollable sobbing. We're talking crying like the protagonist was my close and personal friend. I even got a nosebleed from it. Why I thought watching a movie about a young woman (around my age) being diagnosed with terminal cancer and then finding love was a good idea..I have no clue. Then last night we tried perineal massage for the first time (as advised by my doctor). I felt vulnerable and uncomfortable, so the flood gates opened. This morning over breakfast I told the Brain about last nights strange dream. She told me she had a bad dream about us. I couldn't leave it at that so pried further until she told me that I had told her that I was leaving and taking our son with me. I burst into tears and sobs and told her I would never do that. And then lastly, I became overwhelmed looking through slow cooker recipes in order to pick out easy meals since I'm going back to work. I was looking through five ingredient recipes, it doesn't get much more simple yet I threw body dramatically on the table and declared it was too much. Yep... pregnancy hormones have taken over and gotten the best of me. Poor Brain...she hates to see me upset and always wants to make it better and she just keeps asking "What can I do to make you feel better? What do you need?" And the answer is always "I dunno." And...we have 17 more weeks of riding this hormonal roller coaster followed by the postpartum hormones.
Sunday, August 26, 2012
Fighting Anxiety
I spent yesterday mostly in bed or on the couch laying down. I plan on pretty much doing the same thing today. I've been feeling anxious...again. I've been having sharp shooting pains in my cervix and surrounding areas. They only last a moment and then are gone, but they make me incredibly nervous. The baby is kicking me all the time, really low, so I'm assuming that he's laying really low. Maybe that's why I'm hurting below. But, then I've been having Braxton Hicks that take my breath away. Not frequent, but several during the day. I even had one when I bent down and picked up my 8 pound dog. Then I had a "my belly looks smaller moment" last night...yet again. So, like always I measured my belly. And unlike always...it's smaller. Yes! It was 35 inches, and now it's 34.5 inches. Great, now I just have more reasons to believe that something is going wrong and that my cervix is not holding my little baby boy in. Dr Google says that your belly becomes smaller when your baby drops into position. Well, that shouldn't be happening for at least another 15 weeks. I have a doctor's appointment on Wednesday, and if I don't crack and call on Monday, I'm going to have a long list of questions/anxieties to discuss with the PA. I haven't seen her before, so I hope she'll be nice enough to listen and talk to me about my concerns. Why can't I accept that my body is doing something normal. I have to be convinced that something is going wrong, or will go wrong.
Wednesday, August 15, 2012
I Love My Mommies
Today I was looking around at onesies and jumpers online. I kept finding shirts about "my mom" "my dad" "my aunt" "my grandma". I always feel a little sad when I see the cute daddy onesies because in essence it's just talking about the other very significant parent who didn't carry the baby for nine months, or the other parent in general since families are made in SO many ways. That person is the Brain and she's not a daddy. I want to be able to honor her like other parents who put their children in these types of clothes. We've had discussions before about father's day and how she wants to celebrate fathers day because she feels like a father. I'm uncomfortable with this idea for more than just the blaring fact that she doesn't have a penis (because that's not the only thing that makes a man). She does not identify as a man, she uses the women's restroom, she's my wife and therefore should be proud to be a mother. Back to the onesies. So eventually I searched for "I Love My Mommies" onesies and found some cute ones. When I scrolled down google looking for different sites that carry them, I came across a forum where a lady was saying she would never put such a statement on her baby and therefore subject her baby to ridicule. In my personal opinion, if our child is to be ridiculed for having two moms, it will happen with or without a onesie because anyone with their eyes open will see that we're two women and a baby. It's as much a statement of pride of parenthood as putting on a "I love my mommy and daddy" onesie. But, there were people who had a problem with it.
What do you think? Am I selfish if I put such a onesie on our baby?
What do you think? Am I selfish if I put such a onesie on our baby?
Wednesday, August 8, 2012
20 Weeks
We've made it half way!!!! 20 weeks down, and please G-d, please, another 20 weeks to go. According to my nifty iphone app, our little mister is the size of a banana. I think he's the size of an extra large banana, because he's been measuring a week ahead consistently. The occasional popcorn "is that gas or the baby" feelings went away and were replaced by internal thumps, bumps and rolls. Some take me by surprise and I have to stop for a second because I feel as if I might fall down. The Brain asked me how they feel, and I said "you know those balls that glide? That have the clear plastic outside with the oil and another ball on the inside that wobble around as the ball glides forward? It feels like that." I used up my zofran today and had to have it refilled. 20 weeks, not really throwing up, but still having nausea. The spotting is gone! I'm still finding bits of black crinone that have been hiding up my vag for the last 10 weeks. An occasional reminder of those scary times. I've become obsessed with being afraid of incompetent cervix, leaking amniotic fluid and other irrational fears, but only on bad days. In a moment of weakness I invited my mother to the anatomy scan with me this coming Friday. I thought she might enjoy it, and I'm trying to give her every chance to be involved and enthusiastic. Her complete lack of interest and emotional support is driving me crazy. I'm trying to be the bigger adult and continue to reach out to her and provide her with opportunities, but I'm pretty close to throwing my hands in the air and writing her off. That's another post, that I didn't bother writing because to bitch about how my dad said, "oh I wanted a granddaughter" when I told him it was a boy, or how my mom said she'd touched pregnant bellies before and I had to remind her that she had NEVER touched mine just to get a half hearted pat out of her, would just be draining. So back to this anatomy scan...Silly me forgot that my mother knows nothing about my ginormous phoenix tattoo, that will appear even bigger since it's stretching. I'm hoping if I don't say anything and play it off like "what massive tattoo are you referring to?" that it won't turn into a big fight that ends up with my mom not talking to anyone for a couple weeks until she seeks therapy...AGAIN. Have I mentioned that the Brain reads a chapter of Pinocchio to my belly each night? Or how my belly popped out so that even when I'm laying down it's still visible? We're totally giddy these days, and in love with each other and our baby. Despite the fear and worry, it's like the clouds have lifted, giving rise to a bright sun (hot too at 107 these days) and we can smile up at the sky once again. Ok, yep...with that, I'm ending on a cheesy note.
Monday, July 30, 2012
Tuesday, July 24, 2012
Recent Musings
Insurance companies are there to make your life harder when life is already difficult. I've been stuck under a mountain of paperwork. Ok, well, really it's more like a small stack, but getting it all completed has been as difficult as climbing a mountain. To spare you the two week and counting saga I'll leave it at, I don't think they ever actually want to pay you out.
Just the thought of having to do this paperwork again makes me dread the idea of being cleared to go back to work. I also don't know that I will ever feel comfortable pushing patients around in difficult and heavy beds while pregnant. I'm never again going to assume that people will just help me out of pure kindness, because I've already experienced the "there is no such thing as light duty on this unit" speeches and eye flutterings. On the other hand, working and having the opportunity to earn some overtime would be financially beneficial.
I'm almost giddy with anticipation just thinking about the possibility of maybe being able to find out the sex of baby eggnog a couple of weeks early. I have an ultrasound scheduled for 7/30 and I'm hoping we can ask for a sneak peak. Knowing them, they'll tell me they can't say because they wouldn't even tell me what the baby was measuring last time (something they just read off the screen). The Brain won't be allowed in during the ultrasound, so I'm hoping if they will tell me, they will wait until it's over when she's allowed into the room.
I've been tempted to take a photo of my belly and post it on facebook, and ask my friends to place their bets on if it's a boy or a girl. Then the sensible side of me thinks about how I would feel if I saw that and wasn't pregnant, and remembers that I have several friends still struggling with IF and comes to my senses.
I had a scare the other day because I was just feeling off and "jet lagged" all day. Baby's heartbeat was fine that day and when I checked it again a couple days later. Before this "bad day" I thought I hard started to feel the baby move, with light popping feelings. Now, I don't feel it. Maybe it was just gas. I know the baby has a heartbeat, but I so wish I could feel it move for added reassurance.
Sleep has already become difficult so yesterday I bought a snoogle. So far I'm not sure about it. I was so excited and desperate for a good night's sleep that I couldn't fall asleep for a very long time and then woke up at 6:00 am instead of the usual 9:30 am.
The "nursery" is so tiny (less than 10x10ft. There is not a single wall that is really usable since one wall has the closet, another has a window and a built in shelving unit, another had the door and abuts up to the shelving unit with the cabinet doors and the last abuts up to the window and the closet. The only place I can really think to put the crib is under a drafty old window. I've written an e-mail asking my dad if we can have the window replaced, but I doubt he will pay for it, and we can't afford it. We may have to bring in the Pottery Barn Professionals to set up our micro nursery.
Two Fridays ago we went to Shabbat services. It was the Brain's first time and my first time in about 14 years. It reminded me of the congregation at the beginning of Sister Act. A sleepy, old, unenthusiastic group of people. Really, people were asleep in their rascals, and nobody came up to us and introduced themselves. Part of the problem may have been we were there with my parents, who have zero social skills and are a bit off putting. None the less, during the Sh'ma, the most "important" of prayers, moved me to tears and I had to run to the bathroom. We're still looking for the right congregation. I wrote an e-mail to one congregation asking if we would be welcome to participate in services as a homosexual interfaith couple, and I have yet to hear back from them. Perhaps the "no answer" was my answer. It's too bad because they looked like an amazing community.
Just the thought of having to do this paperwork again makes me dread the idea of being cleared to go back to work. I also don't know that I will ever feel comfortable pushing patients around in difficult and heavy beds while pregnant. I'm never again going to assume that people will just help me out of pure kindness, because I've already experienced the "there is no such thing as light duty on this unit" speeches and eye flutterings. On the other hand, working and having the opportunity to earn some overtime would be financially beneficial.
I'm almost giddy with anticipation just thinking about the possibility of maybe being able to find out the sex of baby eggnog a couple of weeks early. I have an ultrasound scheduled for 7/30 and I'm hoping we can ask for a sneak peak. Knowing them, they'll tell me they can't say because they wouldn't even tell me what the baby was measuring last time (something they just read off the screen). The Brain won't be allowed in during the ultrasound, so I'm hoping if they will tell me, they will wait until it's over when she's allowed into the room.
I've been tempted to take a photo of my belly and post it on facebook, and ask my friends to place their bets on if it's a boy or a girl. Then the sensible side of me thinks about how I would feel if I saw that and wasn't pregnant, and remembers that I have several friends still struggling with IF and comes to my senses.
I had a scare the other day because I was just feeling off and "jet lagged" all day. Baby's heartbeat was fine that day and when I checked it again a couple days later. Before this "bad day" I thought I hard started to feel the baby move, with light popping feelings. Now, I don't feel it. Maybe it was just gas. I know the baby has a heartbeat, but I so wish I could feel it move for added reassurance.
Sleep has already become difficult so yesterday I bought a snoogle. So far I'm not sure about it. I was so excited and desperate for a good night's sleep that I couldn't fall asleep for a very long time and then woke up at 6:00 am instead of the usual 9:30 am.
The "nursery" is so tiny (less than 10x10ft. There is not a single wall that is really usable since one wall has the closet, another has a window and a built in shelving unit, another had the door and abuts up to the shelving unit with the cabinet doors and the last abuts up to the window and the closet. The only place I can really think to put the crib is under a drafty old window. I've written an e-mail asking my dad if we can have the window replaced, but I doubt he will pay for it, and we can't afford it. We may have to bring in the Pottery Barn Professionals to set up our micro nursery.
Two Fridays ago we went to Shabbat services. It was the Brain's first time and my first time in about 14 years. It reminded me of the congregation at the beginning of Sister Act. A sleepy, old, unenthusiastic group of people. Really, people were asleep in their rascals, and nobody came up to us and introduced themselves. Part of the problem may have been we were there with my parents, who have zero social skills and are a bit off putting. None the less, during the Sh'ma, the most "important" of prayers, moved me to tears and I had to run to the bathroom. We're still looking for the right congregation. I wrote an e-mail to one congregation asking if we would be welcome to participate in services as a homosexual interfaith couple, and I have yet to hear back from them. Perhaps the "no answer" was my answer. It's too bad because they looked like an amazing community.
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