Final Post

As far as I can tell, this will be my final blog post. I don't expect I'll start a new one, but that could change. I began this blog as a creative outlet to help me with my frustrations, to share my experience with others, and become part of the blogosphere. I'm not sure if it fully served it's purpose. It was more like an online journal, which was good to a point. I don't have a following, and don't know if my experiences have helped anyone else. If nobody is reading, then I might as well just write in my journal. I barely have time for that. I want to fully experience every moment of motherhood, with undivided attention or distraction. So, with this, I will say goodbye.

My Little Mister

Welcome to the world little mister. My heart belongs to you. Thank you for making me a mommy 12-4-12.

Little Mister's Nature Themed Nursery

Since I'm on bed rest, and the Brain has been so busy keeping the house maintained, and going to school, I was worrying a lot about the nursery. I wanted nothing more than to go into the nursery and organize the boxes and bags of nursery items piled up. It's been very difficult ignoring the urge to nest. So, Friday we went into the nursery and I reclined in the nursery chair while the Brain put the bedding onto the crib, and put some things away into drawers. The next morning two of my best friends came over and again I was in my chair. The Brain and my friends organized the nursery, put up the decals and picture I'd purchased. The Brain hung a hook into the ceiling and then hung the bird mobile I'd made. It took about an hour to put together a way of hanging the birdhouse I painted from a branch on the wall. They helped to find a sheer curtain and rod and hung them. We put our baby pictures on the top shelf with some of our childhood stuffed animals. I'm so excited about the nursery, and feel so much more prepared for little mister to come. Which is really good, because I'm due in 30 days!

Here are several photos of the nursery. You can't see all the animals we have up, but it gives a pretty good sense of what we've put together.

Falling at 33w 6d

Today I'm 34 weeks and ecstatic! We've made it to the goal we were given by the NICU doctor. He and the antipartum nurse told us about this magic number. At 34 weeks there are less complications with the lungs and brains. There is less chance of brain bleeds occurring after 34 weeks. I'd been feeling especially optimistic since our OB appointment on Monday. My doctor checked my cervix, and it was CLOSED!! How it went from 2 cm to closed is beyond me, but I'll take it! I was feeling even more relaxed because he was submitting a request to have me go into the perinatal center for biweekly NST with AFI.

Then came yesterday. I ventured outside to quickly take the dogs out, something I have only done a couple of times. Some guy the condo association apparently hired to do some work on the wood below the roof came around the corner. Of course he starts freaking out because an 80 pound dog and a 9 pound dog came running up on him barking. Why should he know they bark a lot, but are the biggest lovers ever. So I take off after them without thinking. That didn't work very well. I just couldn't keep my balance and I kept trying to regain it. Finally I went down slowly onto my hands and wrists and then rolled like a log. I was able to keep my arms out around my belly to protect it, and rolled on my arms instead. The man looked at me and asked if I was ok once he saw me sit up and my big belly stick out. He then told me my dogs were nice and asked me the big one's name. I told him and then asked if I could help him with anything. He told me what he was there to do. He stayed in the same place the whole time, and never even came over to help me up to my feet. Seriously? You see a pregnant woman fall and you don't even try and help her? I struggled to my feet, grabbed the little dog and went inside.

The OB had me come in 2 hours after the fall, and the nurse practitioner ordered a formal STAT ultrasound. This STAT ultrasound happened 7 hours after I fell. I felt the baby moving often, didn't have any bleeding, leaking, or cramping. His heart rate was normal. So I was able to remain calm the whole day. I had joked with the Brain while I was admitted to the hospital last month that if the baby came at 34 weeks that he would be her birthday present. But yesterday, I was thinking since it really was her birthday that I better not have hurt him, because I really didn't want him to be her birthday present. In any case, little mister is doing just fine, and his little home is undamaged. He's bouncing around this morning like normal. I'm in bed with NO plans of letting the dogs out again until after the baby is born.

Fur Babies, Our Baby & Tempers

The fur babies came home to us last night after staying at my parent's house since I was admitted to the hospital. They had all the dogs, but we brought the big scary 80 pound dog home a while back so that I had a little protection while alone. The girls love being at grandma and grandpa's house because they have a yard and get played with more. They snuggle with my mom in her bed in the mornings after my dad wakes up, lets them out and feeds them. It's actually his way of trying to get my mom out of bed, but it never works. The last time they spent the weekend with my parents they tried to run back to the front door while we were getting them into the car. And when they came home last night, they didn't even "say hi" to us like we'd expected.

But we had to bring them home. Tuesday my mother tells me that Monday my dad had completely lost it. He was screaming, yelling and banging things around. She was afraid enough that she considered grabbing the girls and heading to my house. Tessa had been whining during his rage and it was irritating him more so he put them in the kennel. That part seems fine. I've done the same thing when I'm upset about something and they are in my face and interfering with my ability to just calm down. But the part of my mom's story that scared me was that (per my mom) he stood there yelling at them "the world doesn't revolve around you!" and then she was afraid he might throw one across the room. Since he's been yelling at my mom a lot recently, angry all the time, and a little unpredictable, we decided for safety reasons to have the girls return home.

It just reminded me of my childhood too much, and how I don't want my baby's childhood to be. And, while my dad never hit me (beyond being spanked when I was young until I laughed at him for doing it) my parents have left some deep emotional scars. And I know that he was yelling at the dogs, but I immediately thought about the possibility of him yelling at my son like that. What was going to happen if he was babysitting my son and got upset about something, and the baby started crying? Was he going to yell and scream at him? If he did, it would be the last time he was alone with my son.

I'm laying here on bed rest, trying to protect my unborn baby from entering the world too early, and the thought of him being caught up in a situation like that makes me sick inside in a way I've never experiences. I have a feeling that protective instinct will be even stronger once my baby is actually here.

I'm trying to get my mom to talk to my dad about his temper and the deep seeded fear behind it. My dad needs help. Professional help, therapy. He's gone a few times and then decides he's said everything he wanted to and didn't need it anymore. Obviously this is not how it works, but my dad is pig headed and doesn't listen to anyone, and my mom is too timid to push the issue. Which is where we are now. She doesn't want to talk to him about his anger because she's afraid of making him angry. I'll talk to him, but I'm trying to avoid stress right now, and this situation isn't helping reduce my contractions (I've been having them all week). My brother is willing to talk to my dad about it even though he lived in Maryland. All I know is that it needs to be resolved and I feel stuck in the middle. My mom had a great opportunity to tell my dad why the dogs were coming home after he told her he was crushed to see them leaving, and she didn't take it.

This really sucks!

Dreams

This began many months ago when a coworker said that anything you see in a dream while your pregnant about your baby will come true. While I'm educated enough to understand this is totally absurd, the part of my brain saturated with pregnancy hormones totally fell for it. I've been fighting the hormonal part of my brain with logic, which doesn't work very well because you can't reason with hormones. This was made worse by a dream a few months back where I was visiting my baby in the NICU. Even though he was hooked up to all sorts of machines, I felt a sense of optimism and knew he was going to be okay. But, even in this dream I didn't SEE him. It continued to bother me that I was never seeing him as an infant. I've had dreams of interacting with older children who somehow I knew were my children. I would wake up wondering if these were adopted kids. My mind would wander into dark places, led there by the PTSD left behind by IF. Our original goal was to have a baby. Then it became to get pregnant. Then it became to get pregnant and stay pregnant. And then when all that happened it transitioned into having a healthy baby, but the staying pregnant part was always in the forefront. Hormonal me became terrified that if I didn't have a dream about holding my baby boy, that it was because I would never hold him alive. And thus, I'm afraid that he won't come into this world healthy, screaming, pink...alive.

Then last night I dreamed that I was looking into the bathroom mirror at my big pregnant belly. I kept sucking it in so that it looked flat and little like before the pregnancy. It would be completely gone, and then I'd let it out and there it was again, big and round. Earlier in the week I also dreamed I was pregnant and was refusing to put myself in danger because of it. This morning I realized that those were the first times I had dreams about being pregnant, and saw my belly. I never had a dream before getting pregnant about being pregnant, and it's taken until 32 weeks to see my belly in a dream. Though the lack of dreams, I'm still pregnant with a healthy baby boy.

The logical side took over, and the hormonal side has more or less agreed that if I was able to get this far without having a dream that incorporated my pregnant belly, that I can also have a healthy, living baby without dreaming about it first. I'm really hoping this logical side remains dominant, because I want to fantasize about life here with my baby instead of worrying that I'll come home empty handed. And of course, in the end, I just want to come home with my little mister in my arms, happy and healthy.

31w1d

Tuesday late afternoon I was sent home, much to my surprise. I wasn't against going home. I was just against going home without the Procardia or even a minute of my OB's time. I had waited all day for the perinatologist to consult and ended up never seeing him. He came, looked at my chart and then spoke to my OB. My OB decided to discharge me and went on with his day. I felt ripped off. What about all my questions and concerns? What about the conversation we're supposed to have so that I can be an active part of my treatment? They took those away from me without even giving a thought to how I would feel. It made me think of all the times doctors have handed me admission orders without even so much as glancing beyond the chart to the patient. I always tried my hardest to get them to enter the patient room, forget about numbers, and pay attention to the patient. And now, here I was, on the other end of things...the patient and not the nurse.

The Brain took me home slowly in the car and set me up in bed. I kept track of my contractions until going to sleep. And then when I woke up the next morning, I kept track of my contractions some more. And today, that's what I'm doing again. Very relaxing, and not stressful in the least. The more distracted I am, the better. I was very upset today and I just wanted the Brain to get away from me so that I could relax and slow the contractions. But, she is infuriatingly persistent sometimes in her desire to talk about things when sometimes I just need to be left alone to process my thoughts and feelings.

It's not easy feeling like a burden and the cause of stress to everyone. I'm trying to still enjoy my pregnancy, which is not easy considering that it's become a very physically difficult pregnancy. I'm trying not to ask much of anyone, especially the Brain so that she can focus on school. The moment we were back from the hospital she started to stress about me being home, needing to get me food, medicating the cats, cleaning the litter boxes, emptying the trash. I tried to get her to go to school while we were in the hospital and even had her attend lecture through Skype. Today she got upset because she didn't remember something from last year. That doesn't have anything to do with missing two days of school this week because it wasn't something that she missed learning. Yet, I'm the source of her stress and worry and she's working herself up to the point that I think she's going to be unable to pass. And not because she can't, but because she's dug herself into such a pit of anxiety that she's not capable of getting out of or seeing past.

So while I should be excited to have made it to 31w1 days, I'm not feeling excited at all. I'm just feeling like I'm in the way.